...to be upset about her termination?

(528 Posts)
princesspineapple Mon 09-Nov-15 19:47:56

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and one of my best friends has just had a termination.
I'm all for pro-choice and it's her body etc etc... But she has basically used this as contraception (they've not used any protection for a year) and I don't really agree with that.
Putting aside my (and everyone's) feelings about her pregnancy choices... AIBU to be upset that she turned to me first in her "time of need"?
I've had MCs in the past, and am over the moon to be pregnant... So am finding it really hard to support her when she says things like "well it's only pea sized" when my little pea is now wriggling away in my belly!
Am I being a bit of an over-emotional pregnant lady and need to buck up and be a better friend, or is she actually being a cow?

ilikebaking Mon 09-Nov-15 19:49:01

Buck up.

It doesn't affect you.

Mummamayhem Mon 09-Nov-15 19:50:30

Perhaps insensitive to make such comments to her pregnant friend but her body, her choice. Far better to terminate than bring an unwanted child into the world IMO.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 09-Nov-15 19:50:44

I can see why you are finding this difficult but she's not doing anything wrong. You presumably wouldn't want her to have a baby she doesn't want as a punishment for being irresponsible with contraception?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 09-Nov-15 19:51:25

She isn't being a cow, no.

You are not as pro choice as you think you are either.

You need to stop talking about it, end the friendship, or tell her how you feel and give her the opportunity to end the friendship.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 09-Nov-15 19:52:00

How was she when you suffered your MCs? Has she always been a good & supportive friend to you?

She is not you. Please don't judge her for making a different decision to your own. If she has been a good friend to you, then she probably deserves you being a good friend to her too.

StellaAlpina Mon 09-Nov-15 19:52:01

I don't think she is being a very sensitive friend choosing a pregnant friend to get support from about a termination.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Mon 09-Nov-15 19:52:12

You can't say you are pro choice then slate her choice.

StellaAlpina Mon 09-Nov-15 19:53:06

But then I'm assuming that she has lots of other friends to get support from and she might not....goes to sit on fence.

Focusfocus Mon 09-Nov-15 19:55:15

I'm getting a bit tired of hearing sentences that go "I'm not anti choice but....."

You know what these statements sound like? There are other statements of this kind that begin ...."I'm not xxxx but....."

CwtchMeQuick Mon 09-Nov-15 19:55:35

Don't think she's being a cow, but she is definitely being insensitive!
Does she know about your miscarriages?
I'm not pregnant and I'd struggle to support a friend through a termination since my miscarriage.

Maybe you could find a way of saying that while you understand her decision and respect that, it's acrially quite difficult for you to listen to, especially with your pregnancy hormones?

Duckdeamon Mon 09-Nov-15 19:57:30

You don't sound very pro choice.

princesspineapple Mon 09-Nov-15 19:58:45

Did have a feeling I might be being over sensitive!
I didn't know her when I had the MCs (a couple of years ago) so I haven't really had the "friend in need situation before".
She's asked me for advice on how long it will take to recover at 8weeks as she knows I had a miscarriage then... Which from her perspective is probably practical... But I found it a bit insensitive.
Never mind... Suppose I just need to focus on the fact she's not bringing an unwanted baby into the world like some of you have said.

PaulAnkaTheDog Mon 09-Nov-15 20:00:09

I think you are actually being pretty unfair. Don't say you are pro-choice and then launch into a post that it judgment after judgment on your friends behaviour.

lljkk Mon 09-Nov-15 20:00:22

It's pants (irresponsible) if she's using abortion as her main method of contraception.

Whereas you're planning to change your whole life to have a hard-earned baby.

You're just in completely different places. I think I'd struggle too.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 09-Nov-15 20:00:51

so tell her

pro choice means allowing women the choice - not judging their reasons

Mistigri Mon 09-Nov-15 20:02:28

Asking about recovery times is a bit insensitive (and rather odd tbh), but YABU otherwise. The thing about being "pro-choice" is that it involves accepting the idea that other people may make choices that are different to yours.

maxxytoe Mon 09-Nov-15 20:02:36

What's her uterus got to do with you ?

Her reason is as good enough as anyone else's
You aren't pro choice

HackerFucker22 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:03:04

Surely you can be pro choice but have grey areas?

You can support woman's right to autonomy over her own body without agreeing with every single individual case (although many pro choicers argue that you can't!!)

I am not completely comfortable with multiple abortion or abortion because of gender preference but this doesn't make me pro-life. It just means I have grey areas.

YANBU op.

princesspineapple Mon 09-Nov-15 20:03:36

Also... I didn't mean for this to turn into a debate about my pro-choice or otherwise feelings! Wish I'd just left that bit out confused
Thanks for the pep talk though... I'll be putting my silly hormonal feelings to one side and get back to being supportive!

theycallmemellojello Mon 09-Nov-15 20:04:58

Err YABU and apparently not pro-choice.

nocoolnamesleft Mon 09-Nov-15 20:06:26

Actually, I think the "friend" is being insensitive. Deliberately picking someone who's had a miscarriage (wanted pregnancy) to ask about an aspect of a termination (chosen as unwanted pregnancy) seems very cold.

squiggleirl1 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:06:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

She has made a choice, but she shouldn't expect you to be okay with it. Abortion is an emotive topic. You may well have expressed to her that you are pro-choice, but given your history, and the fact that you are currently pregnant, I think it is very unreasonable of her to expect you to be in a position to be able to support her, and not have it impact you in some way.

StellaAlpina Mon 09-Nov-15 20:07:58

I dunno, I'd say my mum for example (Catholic) is pro-choice in that she thinks abortion should be legal because we live in a democracy/accepts that other people don't share her beliefs but I think she still sees it as immoral.

Devilishpyjamas Mon 09-Nov-15 20:08:42

Tell her you're the wrong audience. (You are). She's being crass.

And it's perfectly possible to be pro-choice & not be up to supporting someone through a termination.

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