Kid with DVD player on train.... I asked to turn it down

[Dungandbother]

Outs self
Been on a very busy child packed train to a popular European tourist attraction.
There was no row but I'm curious for a MN verdict

Family next to mine. One child about 10. He gets out a portable DVD player and starts watching a film LOUDLY as in I can hear the whole thing and my DS was next to me.

It was a 12 film, The Avengers. I inwardly tut at the loudness but DS carries on playing iPad (on silent) and I continue to read.

DS notices film and leans towards it, he can hear it and it's interesting.

Film says SHIT and I quietly ask Dad to turn it down for the swearing. Mum herself turns it down and kid has a meltdown. He actually punched his DVD player. Mum removes film and all hell breaks loose.

Then mum tells me he has SN and I said sorry to have caused upset but I was bothered by the swearing for DS who is young (5).

She practically yelled at me well my son is little too.

Son calms down 15 mins later on being given a donut, a new film etc. He was actually pretty angelic for the rest of the journey.

I do feel the mum blamed me for the meltdown. Unjustifiable so.

Why didn't he have headphones

I wasn't being U was I?

[Leavingsosoon]

No. YANBU, it's obnoxious when people do this.

I don't even like it when there's a traffic jam and a warm day and people have thumping music in the car next to you.

[llhj]

It's sad when people use SN as an excuse as it diminishes the real need that some children with SN have for accommodation.

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

My son has asd and headphones are just as vital as the iPad.

It's taken a few trails and errors to get the perfect ones for him.

However despite his disability, I feel it's my responsibility to ensure he learns as many social norms as possible.

I can't stop his flaps and little quirks but little things like making sure others can't hear his crap is something I can do.

[ProudAS]

YANBU - SN does not come with the right to this inconsiderate behaviour. It is just as likely that someone with SN could go into meltdown due to the noise of a fellow passenger.

[LittleFishBigOcean]

Reading this has made me really angry on your behalf! We had a similar situation on a flight this summer, but it was only despicable me that the kids were watching. It annoyed me all the same and no, you were NBU.

[Sirzy]

Yanbu.

The iPad is a godsend for ds at times but if he was using something loud in public I would make him use headphones.

[AlwaysHope1]

Yanbu, she's just used that excuse to make you feel bad. She didn't seem to have any consideration for imposing that loud film on everyone else.

[milkandmarmite]

My son also has SN. He finds journeys very stressful and they cause him lots of anxiety. The ONLY thing that keeps him okay is his iPad on which I load some programmes from CBeebies. He won't wear headphone because of his sensory issues. We do really try and be very considerate and have the volume down low. I tend to Hope other passengers would prefer iPad on low volume to very bad meltdowns!

I can definitely see both sides of this really...

[kippersmum]

My DD has Aspergers. She likes things loud to distract her from other things that might stress her out & cause a meltdown. She has a set of headphones. It isn't rocket science.

[GwynethPaltrowIamNot]

I think she was at the end of her tether , not your fault but let's cut her some slack

[Leavingsosoon]

Problem is milk, the sound could still impact on someone else ...

[CalleighDoodle]

SN is not an excuse. Parents should have taken headphones. Bad planning was the cause of the meltdown, not SN.

[milkandmarmite]

That's judgemental AlwaysHope1. If this had happened with my son, I would apologise, turn volume down and then explain about his SN. Why must she be 'using it as an excuse' ? I certainly wouldn't - i'd be stating the facts.

She sounds as though she did act on turning it down.

Incidentally, I don't think you
Were being U. You've every right to ask it to be turned down if the content was unsuitable for your child, but as with most things - they are not black and white!

[passmethewineplease]

Tbf maybe some children with SEN might not like to wear headphones if they have sensory issues?

I think a lower volume would of been the answer here.

[LumelaMme]

YANBU. You weren't to know.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

The mother knew he had SN, knew he might want to watch a film, so should have packed headphones.

[cansu]

My ds has asd and the ipad or dvd player is often only way of keeping him calm. He will not wear ear phones just like he will not wear certsin colours and can only wear one type of trouser eyc etc. He is in short extremely difficult to care for. If I had been the mum in your scenario in all likelihood I would have been bitten. My ds would have had s screaming meltdown hitting out at others and me. The noise and upset caused would have far outweighed your irritation of the loudness of the film or fact that your ds heard the word shit. I suppose though that the fact that my ds behaviour is completely socially unacceptable is the reason we can't take him on holiday. There are many children with sn who can wear earphones or turn it down but there are equally quite a few like my ds who clearly can't. Those who think the mum is making an excuse think how they would feel to have to cope with their child having a horrible meltdown and punching his dvd player in public on a train.

[milkandmarmite]

My DS wouldn't tolerate headphones, but we do keep volume to a minimum and I always ask others around us if they mind.

Whoever said bad planning caused the meltdown is being ridiculous. I could not plan more if my life depended on it, but triggers can come out of left field. I am not superwoman to predict them all.

[GwynethPaltrowIamNot]

Well said cansu
And behaviours can change

[Dungandbother]

Cansu I did think that, I did think perhaps he can't tolerate headphones, I really didn't want a scene, thankfully one didn't particularly materialise.

I sort of agree with whoever spoke about planning. That film should not have been available to him on a child packed train.

She was able to discipline him over other things, when Dad spoke, child listened but Mum was far more consoling and oh no the nasty lady type consoling of his out burst and Dad was silent. I didn't make any outward sign of annoyance.

[TwigsWithStupidLittleLightsOn]

YWNBU.

[Cookingongas]

Yanbu. You should have asked her to turn it down, you did so sensitively and appropriately.

My dd has sn. When I tell people she is autistic it is not an excuse. It is an explanation of her extreme behaviour. Her reaction is very unusual and I am self conscious that people judge me as a very bad parent for having a screaming uncontrollable child who is seemingly old enough to know better. So I explain- I'm sorry she has asd. Perhaps the mother wasn't using it as an excuse. Just explaining and dying inside.

[milkandmarmite]

Cansu - agreed. And you could've been writing about my DS. He once had a meltdown on a train and attacked me. I could've died. I felt such a bad parent. People were relived when he settled to
Watch the iPad!

[WelliesAndPyjamas]

You were right to ask for the volume to be turned down. Nothing you did or said was wrong. It does sound like the mum was very upset, but maybe not necessarily all at you, maybe at the tweaks to 'normal' life that their family have to go through in order to live with their ds's needs. Perhaps life is difficult for them. Perhaps she had been dreading the train journey.

So no, you were NBU. But consideration might be due to how stress might have badly affected the mum's reaction to the situation.