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to not want to host Christmas and New Year?

(22 Posts)
MrsDeaconClaybourne Sun 08-Nov-15 18:55:32

We live quite far from DH's family and, after a couple of crazy years when the DCs were small we have mostly had an open house but no travel policy at Christmas. This has meant that some years we've had PILs for Christmas and then other family for New Year. There is a chance we might be doing this again this year and I really don't want to but DH thinks I'm BU and unwelcoming.

My reasons are that I feel like it just adds a whole additional round of cleaning, shopping and planning as soon as Christmas is over. Time that I'd prefer to spend just relaxing as our term times are so busy. Also, I'm a bit of an introvert so find it really tiring to have another round of socialising after all the Christmas stuff.

There is a bit of a back story that I feel that his family don't visit very often and it's always visit on their terms rather than fitting in with us so am perfectly prepared to hear that I am BU.

(Just to add, although I'm a new poster, I've name changed since the security thing and have been around for ages, though always more of a lurker than poster)

NewNameNotTheSame Sun 08-Nov-15 18:57:26

Tell him he can host his family, and do all shopping and cleaning. If he says no, remind him how unwelcoming he is being.

MrsDeaconClaybourne Sun 08-Nov-15 19:07:24

Tbf, he would do most of it if I said that, it's more that I don't want either of us to be rushing around doing it all. We don't get a lot of time to relax as a family and I love the feeling of the week after Christmas with nothing to do. Also, I'd feel a bit awkward sitting around doing nothing when we have people in

Littleallovertheshop Sun 08-Nov-15 19:58:45

YANBU - I'd only want to host one or the other, both seems like you nrver get a rest

bumbleclat Sun 08-Nov-15 20:06:37

just don't do it... people will understand, its such a lot to take on, just enjoy your family on your own terms..

GrannyGoggles Sun 08-Nov-15 21:06:27

Bit puzzled by your open house policy - it doesn't seem to be fully open.

There also seems to be some resentment towards your ILs, possibly fully justified.

How long do people stay? Maybe shorten the stay? Get people to help with food? Send them off with your children or on their own?

If your DH really wants to host, keep talking with him and come up with strategies to help you both enjoy it, because if you're stressed and resentful no one is going to have a good time.

MrsDeaconClaybourne Sun 08-Nov-15 21:34:25

You're right, actually, Granny - that's a fair point. More open house as long as everybody comes at once which isn't entirely genuine I admit. I like having my own space whereas DH is naturally more outgoing and understandably doesn't see his family as 'guests'.
My alternative suggestion is that the get come for the weekend before Christmas but I think they'll find this inconvenient which is why I'm a little resentful as I know it'll end up being me who compromises.

PurpleCrazyHorse Sun 08-Nov-15 21:44:07

Tricky, but I think if you have a no travel policy, then they are going to want (or for your DH to feel he needs) them to visit you at a time that's also convenient to them. So YANBU to feel like to want some family down time but YABU to resent your inlaws visit when you don't want to travel to them.

We travel to one set of family before Christmas and the other after Christmas. We're often with friends at New Year too. The bonus is that our house doesn't need to be clean and tidy, we don't need to host or indeed therefore do a load of shopping! It does mean we drive around the country, feel like we're on our best behaviour when at our own inlaws and live out of a suitcase for a few days. The pros outweigh the cons for us as we have Christmas at home, just us, and we choose to go to friends for New Year (who love to host and enjoy inviting us, we could easily decline and also stay at home).

DinosaursRoar Sun 08-Nov-15 21:52:38

I think you drop your no-travel policy for New year! At least try to find somewhere half way that could be done in a day and arrange a day out rather than at yours? Iceskating, a Panto or Christmas play followed by a meal out? A national trust/woods walk on NYday? Or go to them.

ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean Sun 08-Nov-15 22:09:07

If DH wants to see his family, I think you have to decide whether you want to travel less than you want to host and act accordingly. Have you considered alternatives? Could DH and the children travel to the in-laws for a couple of days whilst you stay home alone?
Both my parents & DH's parents live 4 hours away & in opposite directions. We alternate which set we see for Christmas & then see the other set immediately before or after Xmas. This year, we have in-laws & BIL for 23, 24, 25 & 26, my family for 27, 28 & 29 and then friends for NYE. It will feel like a hotel at time, I will do a lot of washing but it saves travelling so I'm happy to do it. Over the years, I have learned to make some meals (casserole etc) in advance and have them in the freezer, to do some very simple meals & offer my cleaner double pay to come at a time convenient to her.

Nydj Sun 08-Nov-15 22:13:26

Does your open house policy have to be for the whole week between Xmas and new year? Can you not have an open house policy for three days and then have the rest as family time?

MrsDeaconClaybourne Sun 08-Nov-15 22:18:57

Unfortunately we are just a bit too far too do aa day meeting somewhere else that would be perfect.

We did travel to them last year for new year. I just wanted a quiet one this year. I think it would be seen as odd if DH went without me and I really want time with him and the DC. Looks like I'm hosting then! I'm quite good at it tbf and do most of the things you suggest, that'snotmyhouse, was just looking forward to a more relaxed time.

MrsDeaconClaybourne Sun 08-Nov-15 22:21:01

That's what I was hoping Nydj but DH doesn't think some of his family will be able to make it so we are negotiating what, if anything else, he invites them for!

Nydj Sun 08-Nov-15 22:36:56

In that case I think your dh is being unreasonable. He needs to be prepared to compromise too - it is simply unfair to ask an introvert to spend the whole of the Xmas break hosting people or socialising with them. Part of that compromise is that not everyone will be able to visit if they can't make it for your set days of an open house. Good luck.

MrsDeaconClaybourne Sun 08-Nov-15 22:56:35

Thank you for all being so lovely. I expected a unanimous IWBU. Still lots to think about

girlywhirly Mon 09-Nov-15 08:30:26

I think it might be more effective if you shortened the length of the stays. If you had some days between Christmas and New Year with no guests it would give you time to recover. So if your parents came for 24/25/26, you could have 27/28/29/30 with no staying guests and then possibly ILS ON 31/1/2.

LetGoOrBeDragged Mon 09-Nov-15 08:40:18

I think yanbu. Unfair of your dh to expect everything on his terms. I think you have to insist on having some days guest free.

I also think you should make your dh do all the running around, seeing as he is so keen - it might dampen his enthusiasm next year!

MrsDeaconClaybourne Mon 09-Nov-15 11:20:33

We've got the days between Christmas and new year free so I think I probably am being at least a bit U. It's more that if people come for New Year there is pressure to do something, not a party as such but certainly a celebration and I'd rather it was much more low key. I think if he does it all, Letgo, it might backfire and he'll be filled with enthusiasm to do it every year grin

OnlyLovers Mon 09-Nov-15 11:50:03

I think YANBU. Can you tell DH you'll host at and for a bit after Christmas, so his family gets to see you, but you just want New Year itself to be a quiet one?

LetGoOrBeDragged Mon 09-Nov-15 12:07:05

What about agreeing with dh to take it in turns. So one year he gets Christmas and New Year as he wants and the next year you do it your way?

MrsDeaconClaybourne Mon 09-Nov-15 12:42:06

At the moment, that's what I'm suggesting Only, he offers them any time upto and including Christmas + a couple of days. If they can't make it, he wants to say come for new year. I want to say, oh, that's a shame grin

OnlyLovers Mon 09-Nov-15 18:11:55

Stick to your guns!

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