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Feeling pressured

(21 Posts)
sighthoundofdoom Sun 08-Nov-15 17:55:49

My Mum is very ill. She has had surgery but has a terminal condition. We do not know wether she has months or a couple of years.

She wants to go abroad to a place she loves and has visited often, she won't go alone and wants me and the children to go with her.

She cannot afford to go out of term time and neither can we. There is a difference of two thousand pound in a week from 267 to 800 plus a person! This is not an excuse to go on holiday. I hate flying and would happily stay in the UK and as the children are all in secondary i dont really want to take them out anyway but i feel awful. We did go away in the UK this year but she just talked about wanting to be somewhere warm and wants to go back to x one last time. I love the place she means but i would also have to contact ex for permission to leave the country and i dont want to stir that hornets nest.

So i feel like crap but i dont want to go.

BeeRayKay Sun 08-Nov-15 17:58:07

Why would you have to contact the ex?

You should do it you know, you'll regret it later if you don't.

OutToGetYou Sun 08-Nov-15 17:58:12

Why do you need permission from ex to leave the country? We've taken dss away several times without anything specific from his DM. Who is going to monitor it?

anotherbloomingusername Sun 08-Nov-15 18:03:24

My understanding is that ex CAN stop you leaving the country with kids if he is so inclined. Do they have passports? When I got my dc's (US passports) I had to have a notarised letter of permission to apply. If they already have passports, do you really have to tell him?

It sounds like it's the kind of thing that needs to be done, or at least tried.

sighthoundofdoom Sun 08-Nov-15 18:04:25

You are meant to get permission from all with PR if you go abroad.

Im worried about regretting it BeeRay but at the same time the secondary school is very strict about time off and tells them if caused they are banned from their prom. Mine are lower secondary.

JeanSeberg Sun 08-Nov-15 18:04:50

You need to do everything you can to make this happen.

pinotblush Sun 08-Nov-15 18:08:13

Under the circumstances Im sure you'd get an unequivocal pass from the school to do so.

Is it the money that's bothering you?

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

mrsmalcolmreynolds Sun 08-Nov-15 18:10:34

Why does OP "*have to do everything [she] can to make this happen*?

I completely understand that this is very difficult, that there is a good chance that if she doesn't she will regret it etc but she has come asking for advice and help, not to be pounced on with instant guilt trips!

OP might it be possible for someone else to look after your DC and just you go as a compromise?

trapdooragain Sun 08-Nov-15 18:11:40

ask the school if they say yes then stir the hornet's nest with the ex? is he really likely to say no?

LIZS Sun 08-Nov-15 18:14:26

Does it have to be a full week, could you tag it onto end/start of term or inset day for a long weekend? Will her doctors allow her to go, is she really well enough and what about insurance should she relapse?

JeanSeberg Sun 08-Nov-15 18:14:47

No need for anyone else to post now you've spoken then Mrs.

SorryCantBeArsed Sun 08-Nov-15 18:18:30

Will your mum be able to get travel insurance? Unless you've already checked I'd look at that before anything else. Sorry to hear about your mum flowers

pinotblush Sun 08-Nov-15 18:19:29

I actually get what Mrs. has just said.

I had a fantastic relationship with my father and would not think for a moment about pulling out all the stops to do this.

I didn't have a great relationship with my mother and would have backed out of doing what she asked (felt a bit guilty) though.

SmokeAlarmsSaveLives Sun 08-Nov-15 18:21:08

While I understand how much pressure you feel to accommodate this request I think you need to look at the practical issues before thinking about school issues. Is your mother well enough for the trip, what do her doctors say, would she be able to get medical insurance cover (you would be crazy to go without it). Does the area you will be visiting have good medical facilities should they the need arise?

Taking someone on holiday who is very ill is a huge responsibility - your mother may like the idea of going away but could she really cope with it?

If all of the above were sorted and I could afford it I would take the kids out of school and go!

sighthoundofdoom Sun 08-Nov-15 18:21:45

The doctors will allow her to go.
Her insurance will be very very costly.
Ex will not say no but is manipulative and will use it to his benefit at some point in the future.

I am also worried that it will start a prescendent (sp??) if we get permission to go then what is going to happen the year after when she wants to go again if we are still in a situation to.

sighthoundofdoom Sun 08-Nov-15 18:26:36

God my last post sounds awful. What i meant is if we go next year and get permission i am going to be left in the same position the following year of feeling guilty she cannot go again if she is still well enough.

SmokeAlarmsSaveLives Sun 08-Nov-15 18:27:22

It's not just her insurance that is going to be costly, you will struggle to find an insurer who will cover you for cancellation if one of the party has a terminal diagnosis.
It sounds as though you don't really want to go, if that is the case then you don't have to! Sometimes things just aren't possible.

scarlets Sun 08-Nov-15 18:28:31

It'll be a stressful sort of holiday for your DCs. I know that at secondary school age they can't be shielded from life/death realities, but I still think it's going to be tough - what if she falls very ill or dies out there? Could they cope with seriously maudlin conversation and tears? Consider going alone.

I hope your ex finds some compassion and supports you, if you opt to take them. It's a hard time. Very sad.

sighthoundofdoom Sun 08-Nov-15 18:30:37

I have offered to go just me and her.
The children have said they wouldn't be bothered with that.
Dd would prefer to stay in the UK anyway i think.

sighthoundofdoom Sun 08-Nov-15 18:32:41

Sorry pressed post too soon.
My Mum wants the children to come and theres no one really there to look after them. (My Dad is also very ill and ex doesnt have access )

SmokeAlarmsSaveLives Sun 08-Nov-15 18:52:04

I can see why you are struggling so much with this! The children not being keen makes it harder for you, I think your mum is perhaps being a bit unreasonable in insisting the children come too.

I wish you well with a very difficult situation x

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