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To be hurt to not even get a card?

(17 Posts)
Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:11:34

Please be gentle with me as I'm not feeling very robust at he moment. I've also namechanged as I don't want to be outed.

I have been ill with a serious mh crisis for the last couple of months. I am likely to be off work at least another couple of months.
I have had fantastic support from Dh and my closest friends but...
I do a hobby which involves meeting as a group each week and takes up some weekends. We are all very committed and take it seriously. We are also very close as a group (there are quite a lot of us - more than 20) As I've been ill, I've taken a leave of absence. I've had a few texts from one or two of them and one person has been to see me. Other than that, nothing. The reason I'm so hurt that I haven't even had a get well card or anything is because of the amount of times I have contributed to get well/sorry you're having a tough time etc cards and flowers sent to other members. Sometimes, it has been something relatively minor but they've needed herring up so we've sent something. I don't mind at all and think it's lovely that we've supported each other in that way.
I've never been this ill in my life and I've been pretty honest with them about how horrible it's been and I'm really quite hurt that nobody has even thought to send a card. Am I being too sensitive? It just makes me feel less valued than other members.

Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:12:26

*cheering not herring!!

Hurr1cane Sun 08-Nov-15 17:16:22

Didn't want to read and run. I don't think they'll be purposely snubbing you or anything, just that unfortunately they probably just don't know what to say because MH conditions have only just really started to be spoken about and not hidden away. They might also think you need some space and not want to be hounding you in case you think they're trying to pressure you to come back

For what it's worth. I hope you get better soon flowers

When you get there they'll all be so pleased to see you back I'm sure.

pinotblush Sun 08-Nov-15 17:19:15

I gave up expecting others to do the same as I do a long time ago.

In whatever group Ive ever joined I've only ever found a couple of people here or there that have become friends.

I wouldn't really take it personally.

Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:24:04

Thanks. Yes, I know they'll be lovely when I get back and be pleased to see me. I think you're right that it's because it's mh. If I'd broken a bone, they wouldn't hesitate. That almost makes me feel worse though, as though I'm somehow not really ill. They are a group of well educated, emotionally intelligent adults including teachers, nurses and social workers amongst other professions. A lot of them will have had experience of mh within their workplace a couple have confided that they have been ill in the past. I have been pretty open and have made it clear I'd love a couple of visitors now I'm feeling a bit better but nothing...

FrozenPonds Sun 08-Nov-15 17:25:11

Honestly, I think lots of people would view a 'get well soon' response to be inappropriate when dealing with MH issues.

Are the people involved really friends, or just people with a hobby in common? It does make a difference as to how much mind space they will give you.

They may feel it would be inappropriate to contact you at home.

MH issues are regarded as more of a long term thing, for people to cope with, rather than recover from.

Also, hobby groups do have people just dropping out all the time, it's not usually regarded as being a big deal.

fedupandtired Sun 08-Nov-15 17:26:45

You have my sympathy.

If it helps I've been in hospital three times this year because of mental health problems and my younger sister never even acknowledged it. No visit, phone call, not even a bloody Facebook message.

And yes I am bitter about it.

Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:27:39

Pinot, we normally contribute as a group so it isn't just me if you see what I mean and there are two or three people in the group who have responsibility for organising this as part of our shared 'duties' , although it can be anyone who suggests it. Out of the whole group I would consider at least 7 or 8 of them as actual 'friends'. I mean, I'm friends with all of them and there actually isn't anyone I dislike, I am just closer to some more than others. I'm just feeling a bit fragile I think. My family haven't been that great so that isn't really helping I don't suppose.

Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:33:13

Frozen, we are quite a committed group and our membership turnover is very low. We are expected to attend regularly and have to actually put in for a leave of absence if we are going to be off for a while.
I am going off past history and how we have supported other group members when they've needed it. Sometimes, we haven't even known the reason. Someone will just say "x is having a bad time, can we arrange some flowers and a card?" And we have done, no questions asked.
Fedup, I can relate to that and I've found it incredibly hurtful but, as my consultant pointed out, I can't change those people and I haven't done anything wrong.
I think with this, I just a little hurt that not one person has thought to send even a card out of the whole group when we do this as standard for other people, at least every couple of months.

pinotblush Sun 08-Nov-15 17:40:26

Well they do say it takes a crisis to actually know who your friends are Name. Its quite shocking but true. I would just leave it for now and re-address when you feel better.

It's a case of forgive them as they know not what they do sad

The main thing is you look after you and don't let this or anything else hinder your recovery.


fiverabbits Sun 08-Nov-15 17:42:28

When my 34 year old DD fell over and broke her arm which needed an operation she had 16 weeks off work. She had one get well card from one of her customers and one from a friend who works in a different shop but no-one from her shop contacted her in anyway including the man who lives opposite us. They didn't even post her wage slips to her or invite her to the Christmas party. Some people think that if you are not in work that that don't have to communicate with you in anyway.

Booyaka Sun 08-Nov-15 17:50:05

I hardly ever get cards any more. Everything comes through Facebook.

but I have my own MH problems and know what you mean. They're probably not being deliberately unkind, but it is hard sometimes for people to gauge what to do when it's MH. A lot of people with MH problems are very, very uncomfortable with attention being drawn to it, so a group card would be very unwelcome. I think they're probably trying to be sensitive and missing the mark.

Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:50:07

You're right Pinot and on the plus side, I have some amazing friends who we wouldn't have managed without. One friend always says (about herself) "I'm a rubbish friend, don't rely on me, I'm too selfish" and she has actually been fantastic and gone completely above and beyond! I guess i just have to accept that they aren't the friends I thought they were sad

Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 17:51:58

Booyaka, you may be right. I know they'd be mortified if they realised I was upset by it. I'd be surprised if there hadn't been some sort of discussion about it. Maybe they decided it was better not to send anything. (Clutches at straws maybe)

pinotblush Sun 08-Nov-15 17:57:33

Its a very throw away fast moving world now isnt it name.

"Groups" are just that.

The people you think will step up to the mark never do and the people you think wouldn't become rocks.

Nothing stranger than folk huh!

Im so pleased you have support.

Booyaka Sun 08-Nov-15 18:08:06

I wouldn't be so certain you were clutching at straws. There is was a thread on here last week about man who'd told a mutual acquaintance about lots of women who had cancer without their consent. He was roundly told it was not his place to broadcast details about her health.

Please don't be too upset OP, I think you are reading too much into this.

Namechanger476 Sun 08-Nov-15 18:13:40

Thanks Booyaka, I hope you're right.
There's no confidentiality issue though as I group emailed to give my reasons for absence weeks ago (our standard method of communication) I could have just told the main organisers but I decided to be open and honest. I've always hidden any mh crisis in the past but this time, I've decided that I have nothing to be ashamed of and have treated it like I would if I had any other illness.

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