To be annoyed?

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

I'm 22, just graduated and back home for a few months after finishing uni. Money's tight right now as I'm trying to study three/four days a week so bringing in about £70 a week, enough to live on but not loads. I'm starting a job next summer which is pretty well paid and will mean i can leave home and fully support myself. So my point is that I've tried not to be a financial burden on my parents, and this is the first time since I was 18 that I've done this.

I supported myself throughout university, had a full-time gap year job which continued in summers and meant I could live pretty well on that along with the (quite small) student loan I received. My parents were very kindly on hand to help with housing deposits but otherwise I was v happy to support myself and work throughout (as it should be).

My parents are quite well off and although they very rarely spend money on themselves they are generous but do not splurge. So while they haven't ever given me an allowance or anything, they would help me if I needed help and have said they will help with housing deposits in future which is very kind - my intention isn't to boast, just to say that they mean well.

Anyway. My dad is a bit more generous in this way than my mum and when I got paid back a housing deposit, he said I should keep it in my account "for emergencies". It's about £700 and very kind of him to do that.

I offered to pay the money back but he refused.

Months later, my mum is apparently really annoyed about it and asking for it to be "paid back". I'm very upset as I feel that I offered to give it back, he refused... And now she wants it back. I haven't spent it, it's still in my account, I'm quite frugal and living within my means. Just feel a bit put out, like I'm being accused of being on the take! I didn't even ask to keep the bloody money, it was given to me (very kindly I know) but why resent it after?! I've worked since I was 16 in an effort to be independent so it annoys me when it is implied that I'm a sponger (which is what I feel is being implied here)... Aibu???

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Does your mum know that your dad told you to keep it?

This just sounds like a misunderstanding, and I think it's probably your preoccupation with not being a spongers that's making you worry that they think you are one.

[AlwaysHope1]

Yanbu, your mother treats you like a random than her child.

[EnglishWeddingGuest]

Just give it back

If you feel the need to then explain your father wanted you to keep it in the bank which is what you've done so no issues returning it

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

She does, anchordown, and doesn't agree with it apparently...

Just a bit upset because I didn't ask for it but nonetheless it is an amount which would make a big difference to me, that they can afford to let me have if they want. I feel like she's just asking for it back because she can.

You're right that maybe I'm preoccupied with not being a sponger

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

She's just made muttered comments about how annoyed she is when it comes up in conversation, my dad doesn't defend me because he doesn't want to annoy her and then today he said "oh yes, mum's quite annoyed about the deposit I think" wtf?!

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

Bumping xx

[RB68]

its a safety net and clearly at the moment you don't need it. I would make a point of giving it back to your father in front of your Mother, and just say I know you said to look after it and keep it as a safety net dad, but I know its causing friction between you so here it is, I am not using it it was just in the bank waiting to be needed. You look after it for me and if push comes to shove I will come and ask you.

£700 in the scheme of things is not very much money to be honest although I know its alot to you at the moment. I would just try and put a £5 away each month or week if you can to build yourself a deposit fund for a flat to rent or something - you sound pretty clued up and I am like you in this respect like my independence and don't like people to have one over on me at all.

[Nanny0gg]

I think your mother is being very mean and if she has and issue over the money she should take it up with your dad, not you.

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

Thanks RB68... Appreciate the advice!

Yeah I agree £700 isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things.

The annoying thing is, is that I'm moving to London in a few months and they have saved up a fair bit for a flat deposit (couldn't afford to buy there on my own due to crazy crazy prices). I'm incredibly incredibly grateful for this but equally am unsure whether to accept. I probably will because I know it's a genuine offer but I know my mum will always see it as them having helped me/it rightfully being "their" house, which I feel undermines my efforts at being independent Sorry if I sound spoilt, I'm really not but just stuck really

[SquinkiesRule]

You Mums not very nice is she. She seems to see you like your not her daughter. I'd give it to your Dad, not her.
If she brings it up again, make sure you say you gave it back to Dad already.
You sound like you've really done well supporting yourself, don't let her drag you down with her miserly ways.

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

To add to it all, I saved up a few thousand during my gap year (had a relatively good job and lived at home), but spent that recently on a long travel. Urgh wish I hadn't done that now!!! Really trying to be frugal and do the right thing now.

Think I will make a bit of a show if giving it back to them now, only issue is I don't have a chequebook and also am v reluctant to take it out in cash!!! How to do it?!

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

My mums actually a really nice person and would honestly do anything for me. I feel like I've painted her in quite a bad light.

The thing is that I think she prefers to help me out in terms of things rather than just hand out large amounts of cash. She had a tough upbringing and is big on giving her children opportunities rather than "spoiling" them with money. Which I totally get. But equally I wish they had talked about it rather than her going on about it to my dad and making me seem like the bad guy

[3littlefrogs]

I can't imagine treating my DD like that.

I hope your mum doesn't live to regret her behaviour when she gets old and needs help/care.

[AliceInUnderpants]

You only earn about 60/70 a week but are planning to move to London in a few months. You don't have a job set up until summer. How are you intending to support yourself until the job starts paying? Could your mum be concerned and sceptical about that?

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

alice the new job is at £30k and I'm moving there to start it. So moving there about a week or so before I start, I have lived in London as a student for four years so am aware of rent prices etc and have always worked to survive. Think should be fine but thank you

Am living at home until then doing temp work to get by. But will have enough to get by first month before moving to London. Also have a few hundred in savings which I'm not going into

[FeelsLikeHome123]

Just give them back the money. It doesn't need to be a big drama. It was a small misunderstanding. Move on.

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

I'm not trying to make a drama out of it feelslikehome

The only reason I went into detail was because I thought it was relevant.

It's the principle of it that bothers me the most, it's like my mum resents me for having her money and I don't like the implication I've spent it already!

[hefzi]

Transfer it back, right now, tell her you've done so, thank her very much for her assistance, and mention (again) that you had already tried to return it to your father when you received it back initially. Then stash the cash so you don't need to borrow a deposit next time, so it doesn't occur again: she may be feeling a bit taken advantage of (not that you are, but mothers sometimes get funny as their daughters grow older) or a bit jealous (if you have opportunities she didn't or something) but presumably you don't want to let it destroy things, and you are irritated as you feel she's implied you're sponging when you've gone out of your way not to: so shoot it back, and shut her up!

[Fairenuff]

Give it back and if they offer anything else again, check that they are both happy with it.

[Agrestic]

Do you think it's just because your Dad never mentioned it and she just feels left out?

Or because it could have gone towards the deposit (not that it still couldn't)

[mommy2ash]

You seem to want your mum to acknowledge your efforts to be independent but you aren't really independent if you rely on them for deposits for rent to buy a house and free housing until your job starts. Your parents both gave you the deposit and if they both weren't in agreement for you to keep it you should have returned it immediately. If your parents are generally nice people and happy to help you out your mum is probably a bit put out you didn't see it as the right thing to do to return it regardless of what your dad said.

[AuntieStella]

Are you covering your food and a share of the bills? Is the £70 to live on before or after those living expenses? How much are you saving, if anything?

If you are not paying your parents anything at all for your keep, a one off return of a deposit (that they shelled out for in the first place) sounds like a very good deal for you.

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

to those asking if I'm contributing right now. No I'm not. I'm earning £20 x 3 each work tutoring some children and after May (when I have some huge professional exams coming up), I'm happy to contribute/move out completely once this is over. My mum outwardly told me that she preferred for me to study rather than work to support myself/pay keep

[FeelsLikeHome123]

Well then, there won't be any need to keep on going around in circles, explaining talking about it and getting annoyed about it. They want their money back, you have it, so give it back to them. £700 is a lot of money, it was a loan, not a gift. You are an independent adult who is financially independent so no need for it to annoy you.

Problem solved. Drama over. End of. Move on.

[PippiWithTheBluestocking]

Ok thanks feelslikehome for your not very nice tone advice Money transferred, I've "moved on", ta