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To conclude that It's impossible for me and my mother to ever bond as we're too different?

(4 Posts)
BrightonMum36 Sun 08-Nov-15 15:24:26

Huge back story obviously as I'm 36 and she's 70 so I'll try not to bore you too much and keep it relevant. I'm looking for people in similar situations who can advise me how they handle this... If at all?
My mother is quite a cold fish, and pretty much always has been. Her mother was too, and by all accounts was emotionally cold and neglectful to her. Consequently She's unaffectionate, abrupt, and very negative. If I'm sad about something her reaction is to be either bored, or angry at me for it. She fails to recognise that I'm not doing it to annoy her or for attention, I just happen to be sad in that moment. For instance I found out my friends dad had died when I was with her last week and her reaction to my sadness was to look exasperated and then leave the room in an indignant huff. I then overheard her tell her friend I was being 'a bloody pall of doom today'.
She has never shown any sympathy about anything, in fact the two times she has reached out to hold my hand (in a sort of begrudgingly dutiful way) in the last two years - she literally crushed it. I yelped in pain and she pulled away, looked cross and walked out. She managed to turn a situation round where she had inflicted pain on me - into it being my fault and I should feel bad for yelping at her hurting me. So so many more examples of this but I want to keep this relevant.
She likes her house to be stone cold, with bright lights on all the time and to sit in hard chairs. She drinks sour drinks and when she listens to the radio, she doesn't tune it properly so the white noise is deafening. My point is, she seems to thrive in surroundings in what most people would deem highly uncomfortable. I certainly do. I like warmth, soft lighting, cozy chairs, soothing music and sweet or creamy drinks. We are total opposites and therefore when I visit we are almost constantly at odds as our tastes and needs are so extreme.
This makes me feel so, so sad as I feel we have little to no bond, nothing in common and I can't even have a laugh with her as she takes everything the wrong way and ends up telling me off.
Is there anything I can do to rescue any part of our relationship or is it completely untenable?
Two people who I've described her to have suggested she is on the aspergic spectrum, does that sound likely?

scarlets Sun 08-Nov-15 23:20:40

I think I know where you're coming from. It's pretty tough.

I don't think that it's possible to diagnose aspergers without meeting the person concerned, and without having had medical training. And I think it's unfortunate that it's now used to describe anyone who's a bit odd/cold/unsociable. I wouldn't pay much attention to these people's uninformed opinions about her health. And even if she does have it, a formal diagnosis won't miraculously solve the problem of the lack of overlapping tastes and interests. Sometimes, I think you just need to go with the flow. Accept that the relationship will never be close, despite the common DNA. Keep it amicable and civil, and find closeness, warmth, friendship and support elsewhere. I know it's hard, especially if you have friends who get on brilliantly with their mums, but I reckon that it's best not to push this. She won't alter much at 70.

PlummyBrummy Mon 09-Nov-15 09:42:17

I know just where you're coming from. I get the very strong feeling that my mum just doesn't like me very much. Over the years the feeling has become mutual. If we weren't related I don't think we'd even be friendly. We absolutely do not understand one another. For that and a number of other hurtful reasons I've just gone NC. She's apparently really sad about not seeing her two GDs, but not me. Go figure!

BrightonMum36 Mon 09-Nov-15 14:17:37

See I wish I was brave enough to go non contacts, but she has this weird hold over me.
And scarlet you're right it's impossible to 'diagnose' it like that buts it's just funny that two people said it. Made me think.
Thank you for your replies I do appreciate your input xxx

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