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To be upset that friend couldn't be more supportive?

(60 Posts)
camimillie Sun 08-Nov-15 14:35:49

After telling a friend that I was planning to try for a baby in the New Year, she openly laughed.

Her reasons for doing so are that I live in a small flat, plan to work full time and don't have any support and so therefore will find it all too hard.

AIBU to think she really should not voice such opinions? I have been friends with her for over ten years now: we worked together in our first jobs but she is a bit older than me as she started the role after her children had started school.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sun 08-Nov-15 14:44:21

Depends on your idea of a true friend.

I like honest and caring friends rather than ones who just agree with everything out of politeness or fear of upsetting me.

BrightonMum36 Sun 08-Nov-15 14:46:28

She shouldn't have laughed no. But why isn't she allowed to point out facts about your current situation that will make things difficult for you? Should she sit there in silence or talk about the weather? As a friend you should be able to be blunt with your friends or warn them about potential situations they are planning to get into... Otherwise they wouldn't be your friend would they? She could have also been kinder and said other things about it but it wasn't unreasonable of her to tell you what's what no.

Enjolrass Sun 08-Nov-15 14:46:58

Tbf she raises some valid points.
Laughing was harsh but I assume you caught her off guard.

Orda1 Sun 08-Nov-15 14:51:15

She probably laughed out of shock rather than to be mean.

Do you own the flat? If so I think you're probably in s better situation than a lot of would-be mums!

GingerIvy Sun 08-Nov-15 15:01:33

Lots of women have children and work full time, so that's a non-issue IMO, as long as you're sensible about childcare.

Lots of people live in a too small flat and have children. A minor issue, if you're creative with your space.

Don't have support? Sounds like you don't have her support, anyway. Do you have other friends or family in the area?

trian Sun 08-Nov-15 15:02:40

*Depends on your idea of a true friend.

I like honest and caring friends rather than ones who just agree with everything out of politeness or fear of upsetting me.*
That's fine but that's not what the "friend" was doing, she was opening laughing at OP about a really sensitive issue.
I've just read the other posters responces, they're not very nice either.
I'm due to have my first baby soon, I have done this with fuck all support most of the time (actually, with so-called loved ones openly attacking me at times because they've chosen not to deal with their past and seem to like enjoy being horrible people, which is why I avoid them as much as poss). I have done this on my own (I'm single, not sure if you are OP?) and this has been a struggle of about a decade against bizarre bad luck.
Small flats and no support don't stop people having babies, lack of fertility (or money/NHS support to make up for a lack of fertility) do, so ignore the haters and do what you need to do. Adoption and fostering are also worth considering.
The things a few of my "friends" have said or done whilst I've been on this journey have been appalling, but I've thanked fate for showing me their true colours so that I don't let them become a big part of my child's life.
I own my own house (mortgage) and I know that I might loose it (god knows what they're going to with benefits in the next 4 years) but I'd rather have a family and social housing than no family and my "own" house.
I think if she was genuinely concerned for you, in a constructive way, she'd have talked through those challenges in a supportive way instead of laughing at you.

Ragwort Sun 08-Nov-15 15:07:44

Perhaps laughing is not the best response but a true friend might kindly help you think through your process- I know someone who is planning to have a test tube baby and behaves as though 'having a baby' is like buying a new designer handbag sad. I haven't laughed at her, in fact I haven't even discussed it with her but I would hope she has some true friends who will really talk it through with her.

Too often people gloss over serious, life changing events with just 'congratulations hun' type remarks, sometimes honest discussions are best before it is too late.

camimillie Sun 08-Nov-15 15:22:47

Perhaps I should mention I am 35 - this isn't something I have a huge amount of time to improve. I own the flat and another property too but don't live in it at present.

Booyaka Sun 08-Nov-15 15:24:33

Do you have a partner?

Bunbaker Sun 08-Nov-15 15:29:53

"AIBU to think she really should not voice such opinions?"

Yes. You need to remove those rose tinted spectacles about what parenthood entails. She was only helping you. Whilst laughing might not have been the best response, your friend was merely pointing out the realities.

If I was planning on doing something without appearing to think it through properly I would hope my friends would point out any shortfalls or obstacles that might come my way. That is what friends do.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 08-Nov-15 15:32:15

Laughing? That's not very nice.

What's wrong with having a flat and a job? I don't get it.

PennyHasNoSurname Sun 08-Nov-15 15:34:45

Does she have kids?

Small flat is irrelevant, babies take up no space, the less room for hoarding crap the better.

You can pay for support.

She was either being mean or is jealous.

expatinscotland Sun 08-Nov-15 15:34:46

YANBU. Wow. That was cruel of her. You don't need a partner to have a child. In your shoes, I wouldn't leave it, hanging around waiting for a man. You sound financially stable.

pinkyredrose Sun 08-Nov-15 15:35:32

I'd have laughed too. Doesn't sound like you're in the best place for a baby. How do you expect to manage on your own and work a full time job without support ?

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 08-Nov-15 15:36:41

Your choice. Patronising to assume you hadn't thought it through, cruel and nasty to laugh.

Some friend.

Onthepigsback Sun 08-Nov-15 15:38:46

Do you mean you plan to use sperm donation next year? Then she is rude and not much of a friend for not chatting it through with you and being supportive, that is obviously not something people undertake lightly. If you have a partner and you have both decided to try for a baby, then she is a jerk to laugh so negatively. If neither of the above apply, then laughing is not the appropriate response but very raised eyebrows and non supportive comment would actually be appropriate.

camimillie Sun 08-Nov-15 15:39:39

What rose tinted spectacles?

Like other people do pinky, use childcare, use the resources I do have.

Helmetbymidnight Sun 08-Nov-15 15:40:17

What's so funny?

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 08-Nov-15 15:41:44

So you would have laughed, pinky, rather than bring up any issues in a sensitive way?

expatinscotland Sun 08-Nov-15 15:42:21

'If you have a partner and you have both decided to try for a baby, then she is a jerk to laugh so negatively. '

So people have to have a partner to have a baby? Well, blow me away! I'd guess about half those who use this board don't or they split before or soon after the baby arrived.

The OP owns two properties. How do we know her job isn't one that pays enough to hire a nanny or even two?

She doesn't sound a very nice friend.

pinkyredrose Sun 08-Nov-15 15:43:40

If it was a good friend yes I'd have laughed. OP are you having a test tube baby?

pinkyredrose Sun 08-Nov-15 15:45:29

Just realised my previous message may have sounded harsh. Sorry OP, none of my business.

Enjolrass Sun 08-Nov-15 15:46:04

Does she think you haven't thought it through and it's a whim?

You say you will use childcare? What type? What if your child is sick and can't go to childcare? Is you job ok with you having time off short notice?

What about money? Will working full time actually work financially?

Not saying any of that applies. But I find that when you don't have kids you think you know the reality. But you don't. Me included.

Sil worked out childcare costs based on £20 per day for a nursery. Don't know where she got that figure from. Around here is around £36 per day. Turned out she would be earning less that that

camimillie Sun 08-Nov-15 15:56:10

Pinky, I thought, when I was writing this, it was possible some people would admit to having done something similar when they were surprised or something - I suppose in other words, I wanted to give my friend the benefit of the doubt.

I actually am happy to answer any questions but there's a way of asking those questions - one way is friendly and interested and another way is nosy and judgemental and your questions fall into the latter.

However, since your comment "test tube baby" makes me think you are genuinely very out of touch, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

It is possible to have a baby as a single woman, which indeed I am. This does not involve test tubes - IVF is one of the options but quite an invasive one; it's also very expensive. IUI using donor sperm is the method I will most probably be using. This involves placing semen inside the uterus.

Before even making an appointment at the fertility clinic, I had worked out costs of childcare: whilst I am not going to pretend I have every box ticked, I don't think anybody does (and - politely - I am not posting for advice about whether or not I should do it.)

I know this lady from my first job, as I have said, which was over ten years ago and we are also friends with another lady who also started with us. We are different ages and I am the youngest by quite a way. Perhaps on some level she still sees me as 22/23 (ah, if only!) and perhaps she thought that I was one of those people who would just never have children so it came as a surprise.

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