walking away from my mother(10 Posts)
I feel awful for writing this but has anyone ever decided to end their relationship with their mother? I have had my parents to stay for 10 days and as always it is fine at first but by the end my mum did her usual act of exploding with rage and venting all her pent up anger at me, reminding me of all my shortcomings. I do not pretend to be a perfect person or daughter, but i have tried for 39 years to placate my mum and not upset her, it is exhausting. I have 2 very young children and i would never stop them from seeing their grandparents, it's my issues, not theirs. Something has finally snapped this time however, i really don't have the energy anymore to pretend to get on with her or like her - and i feel like a totally awful person for saying that. I've listened to her bitch about people (even friends), analyse everything to the nth, have strong oppinions about EVERYTHING without fact or reasonable considerationand just generally be a gasbag. My father is a lovely man and we have (perhaps had) a good relationship but i know she is envious of this, to the point she didn't give us anytime alone to talk, i really wanted to ask my dad how he was in privacy as his brother died at the start of the year and we don't get to talk when my mum is there, we get talked over. He is a gentle man but my parents have been married a long time so his loyalties lie with his wife and i respect that.
It is obviously a lot more complex to the bare facts i have written, but Is it wrong to decide that it would make life a lot better if i didn't have to go through the motions? I have already told her i have had enough.
People do it all the time, and often discuss it on MN. Do what works for you.
I am not sure how you are going to go NC with your mother without causing all sorts of pain, stress and aggravation for your father. Is it worth it? Just learn some distancing techniques, zone her out, walk away or shut her down when she starts to rant, Refuse to engage with her nonsense and try to instigate time alone with your father.
It isn't wrong to decide that you've had enough of being used as her verbal punchbag, or to stop putting up with her behaviour; but I think maybe there are other steps you could take before completely cutting contact with her, unless you've already tried them.
Ending phone calls when she starts on you;
leaving their house immediately she starts in on you;
Walking calmly away if they're at your house and even suggesting that since your mother dislikes being with you so much they might want to leave.
BAsically, keep the relationship but don't put up with the bad behaviour, any more than you would if she were a toddler.
If you're trying to have a conversation with your father and she talks over you, then say politely but firmly "do you mind? I'm talking to Dad".
I have in latter years become more assertive with my own father who had a dreadful habit of waiting for me to finish telling him something and then launching into a completely unrelated topic - I pointed out to him that it appeared he hadn't listened to a word I'd said, just been waiting for me to stop talking so he could say what he wanted to! He said it wasn't like that at all, he had listened but had nothing to add, so moved on. I said well in that case at least acknowledge what I've said in some way! So now he does. BUt I had to point it out to him to get him to change (and I had to be in my 40s and have small children before I had the nerve to do it!).
Thanks everyone for your messages, it's helpful getting feedback. I don't think i can cut all contact, but i will go via my father instead of my mother from now on and i will be stopping fake pleasantries. This has been brewing since adolescence, hence why i left home at 17 and never looked back. I wouldn't put up with this behaviour from a friend or partner so i won't tolerate it from my mother - it's making me ill with nerves. She would never be a danger to the children, she adores them. I actually feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders since i chose to fight back instead of keeping quiet and keeping the peace. I just hope my own kids never feel this way about me :-( Cheers everyone
Your father has enabled your mother to treat you like this. There is a price for that somehow.
IF SHE IS TOO VILE FOR YOU, she's too Vile for your children. Remember this. It's going to save them a whole heap of heartbreak.
Your mother has no right to treat you, and by association, your children like this.
Your father CAN contact you privately and separately to your mother. He is a grown man, and if he chooses not to, then it's his loss.
This is how ruthless you have to be. Make no mistake about it.
Adoring the children is designed to undermine you. Sooner or later, trust me, they'll be collateral damage to get to you.
She'll be dripping poison into their ears as soon as they are old enough.
Ten days in one go is an awful lot though. I would have found even some quite close friends too much for this long at once. Maybe keep it to 3 or so at a time before you consider the drastic step of going NC?
If she's making you ill with nerves then you know you have to cut her out of your life. I had to cut my "mother" out of my life many years ago for the sake of my health and sanity and have never looked back. Don't feel guilty, you have to think of your children - would you treat them as she does you? She will eventually treat them as she does you, it may not be until they are 20 but it will happen, would you stand for it? Do you have any brothers or sisters for support? Going non contact doesn't have to affect your other relationships. I'm one of 5, three of us are non contact with the mother, 4 of us get along amazingly, only 1 of us has decided they are going to be a massive twat and not speak to the 3 that are non contact, (does that make sense?! and to be honest that's no great loss to us either) It may seem very cold hearted but just because she is your mother it does not mean you have to put up with her crap especially if it makes you ill. And if you do cut her out, be prepared for the begging and tears and "woe is me"/"take me back" for a while, just ignore it, it wont last and she would revert back to old self. God I'm such a cynical cow. I hope you have support.
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