Mil not interested in baby(30 Posts)
Hi. Name changed for this.
Ds is 9 months old. MIL has 2 other gc who she sees all the time - for childcare and lives 2 mins from her dd. We live about 10 mins away and ds is her son's first child. She doesn't really make an effort to see us/ds.
She came round a couple of weeks ago and I admitted how much I was struggling, nearly in tears but managed to maintain my dignity! (this could out me, but for full clarity, I'm also very, very pregnant)
She took ds out for a walk so I could rest a bit and she enjoyed spending the time with him. She said she'd like it to be a regular thing but it's been 3 weeks now and I haven't heard from her. She cancelled the second week because it was other gc birthday. I guess I'm being stubborn but I don't see why I should contact her.
When we see dh's family it's always us going to them (and my idea to visit, not his) We've always got on ok (me and mil) and he is fairly close to his family.
AIBU to feel upset she doesn't seem interested and that I should wait for her to contact me? I feel bad for dh that she obviously spends so much more time with other grandchildren. Maybe I should stop feeling bad about it and call her, but I feel like then I'm bugging her and should leave her alone. To be clear, I'm not expecting her to look after him for hours, or take him out etc, just would be nice for him to see her more often, and get used to her/not cry when she holds him.
Sorry for rambling. Please be kind. I'm not Mil bashing.
If it were me, I wouldn't be running around trying to 'court' her - if she wasn't interested she could do one.
However, what's your relationship like normally? Does she contact you much, or do you / DH need to initiate? Do you get on well?
We get on well, I think. I'm not the most sociable person, quite introverted tbh. Me and dh keep to ourselves but I think we should all make more effort for ds sake. And I was enthusiastic about her spending time with him, and admitting how much I was struggling - that really wasn't easy, I don't like to admit to my weaknesses.
I guess contact is equal from both sides, although we do go round there more I would say, same with sil.
I don't know, mabey she is not interested in babies. Do you make the effort to go to here?
That doesn't read to me like she's not interested, more that she's being cautious and waiting for an invite.
I know you said you weren't MIL bashing and I believe you but I do see why MILs can't win!
Give her a ring, have a chat, ask how she is, ask how the other GC are. Tell her your news, tell her DP and DS are fine and enjoy the contact. Don't just ring her for DS's sake or so she can take him out. She'll feel that.
I bet she'll respond and maybe not the first time but the next time she 'll offer to come over. Or you suggest meeting for coffee in town or something. No point in playing games. Life is too short.
Leaving, I expressed my gratitude for her help in giving me and a break, and when she suggested coming again and it being regular, I was enthusiastic and said how nice that would be etc. Don't know why she needs to be cautious. I feel if I ask her she'll feel like I'm encroaching on her free time and expecting help or whatever, I dunno, feels like I'd be imposing myself on her. Maybe we both feel the same and we're just stuck!
maybe she doesnt want to overstep the mark and waits to be asked or invited
(maybe shes a mums netterand seen the threads on mils)
i suppose with her other gd, its her daughter thats their mom and knows she came be a bit more foreward else her dd will tell her to back off.
I know so many people like that, though, and I can be like that myself. 'Call round any time for a chat!' leaves me a bit flummoxed because I worry about when and if it would be inconvenient and so on. 'Do you fancy lunch at mine on Friday?' will have me biting your arm off
Ok, I guess I'll bite the bullet and just phone her and ask her!
Thanks for advice.
You have the perfect opportunity - you are heavily pregnant and so will need help when in labour etc.
Pop round to see your MIL. Tell her you need to talk about what will happen when the baby comes. Ask if she will be available to help and what would she like to do.
I was wondering if the other GCs, who she sees more often, are the DC of a daughter. Because it might be that MIL feels much more comfortable with her own DD than with a DIL. She simply doesn't want to intrude.
If your DH won't foster a closer relationship between your DC and his mother, then it is up to you. She makes all the right noises about wanting to be more involved and enjoying time with you and DC. So invite her.
Or it'll never happen, as you'll both be politely waiting.
Totally agree with leaving. She probably has a much more open relationship with her own dd but doesn't want to overstep the mark with you. This is the same dynamic that I have with my mil, and also the same dynamic that my own dm has with db and dsil. Just ask!
As a MIL (and therefore knowing the minefield that is mother-in-law territory)- she is hesitant about intruding and it is not the same as with her daughters and their children, I am not sure why it is that way but it is.
I am not sure OP should pop round and tell her you need to talk about what will happen when the baby comes. Ask if she will be available to help and what would she like to do. leave it up to MIL -she sounds nice and will probably offer to help with 9 month old but if she is already helping out with childcare for the other GC she will probably not have much free time.
Sorry but I think it sounds like you and you MIL have a polite but not close relationship and it's just as likely that you MIL doesn't want to be pushy, she is probably waiting for an invite. You can't exactly blame her for not doing all the running when you yourself find it so hard to ask for help and won't call her. Also you sound rather stoic OP (like me), so what was a desperate plea for help in your mind may have sounded like a normal exhausted mother comment to her.
Are her other gc her dd's children? That would explain why she is more heavily involved in their lives, even if not they have been in her life longer and it's not surprising she has developed a regular role in their lives, it wouldn't necessarily be so easy to lessen time spent with them so she can spend more time with your ds.
Maybe she doesn't want to intrude? Mils can't win. They either come over too much or not enough!
She's definitely interested otherwise she wouldn't come at all. If she looks after the others for childcare that's totally different. I agree she's probably waiting for an invite.
Yabu to expect her to do all the chasing
Yanbu to feel upset, but it's in your power to try and change things! It takes effort on both sides.
Do you text? If so then it's a good way to ask without putting her on the spot. Suggest a day when she might like to pop over for a cuppa and to see DS.
Or if you don't want to then DH should since it's his mother!
9 month old DS and heavily pregnant? Sounds like you need all the help you can get!!! If you usually rub along ok then ask her.
You should encourage your DH to make more contact and invite his DM over aswell. I know people speak about MIL bashing and MILs not being able to win but at the end of the day I don't see why the DIL needs to do all the chasing. I wouldn't ever expect my DH to be the one to contact my parents to arrange visits.
That being said if you do speak to your mil on the phone and have a good relationship there is no harm in inviting her over for lunch on a specific day and reminding her that you would like her to see DS more and are keen on setting up something regular
She may just be being tactful. I'm an introvert and my parents were really cautious about not turning up too soon/staying too long/intruding when the baby arrived.
If you want to see her, be explicit. "Are you free next week for xxx? What day is good for you?" Etc.
My MiL is lovely but if I said "call round anytime" she wouldn't come because she'd be worried about intruding.
Ring her and say "I was wondering if you could have dgs for an afternoon next week so I can <whatever>" If you can agree a time she is interested, if she's "to busy" or cancels, then you'll know she's not.
Yes, I think phone and ask her and then you'll know.
Your DH should get her more involved, then she'll know she's welcome. I hate the gender divide between mother's relationship with daughter/son and respective kids but it is there, she will feel more close/comfortable with her daughter than her DIL, so get DH - her son - to push harder for her visits etc.
As others have said, you might have to be a bit more specific about Mil coming round then if she makes excuses you've got cause for concern. It sounds like from what you've said about not showing weakness that you normally get on with things an she probably thinks you're coping and doesn't want to interfere.
Am hoping it's not the case for you but I've been through this with my own Mil and after being specific she still didn't find time to come visit. She has plenty of time for her own DDs children just not much, it would seem, for her sons. Unfortunately Ds is now at an age where he notices the disparity despite us trying to play it down and it's heartbreaking. Maybe it's just easier for some Mils with their own DDs children because they are closer but I hope
God my typing is terrible - apologies am wearing an eye patch right now, har har me hearties - Mumsnet pirate-styley
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