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To worry my son has inherited some of my husbands less admirable qualities?

(20 Posts)
Leavingsosoon Fri 06-Nov-15 17:55:38

My (soon to be ex) husband had a lot of good in him and of course could be lovely - but was so arrogant, superior, sneering and downright unpleasant at times.

The older DS gets the more I notice some of these emerge and obviously I'm on it - but can you inherit characteristics? Or is it learned behaviour?

(This isn't saying I don't love my son: I do, of course.)

And how do you manage behaviour which is inherent rather than learned?

Haffdonga Fri 06-Nov-15 18:00:00

A lot of characteristics are hereditary. (height, intelligence, artsitic skills).
Arrogance and sneering are not.

Leavingsosoon Fri 06-Nov-15 18:18:56

Aren't they physical characteristics though?

And I do wonder - I am very like my dad in personality as well as looks, did I learn this from him, or inherit it? I'm not sure.

LumpySpacedPrincess Fri 06-Nov-15 18:28:07

Behaviour breeds behaviour, children copy the adults around them and see which behaviour is permitted,

Scarydinosaurs Fri 06-Nov-15 18:30:29

You don't inherit that, he has copied that.

I would talk about characters on TV who behave in a similar way and talk about how unlikeable it is.

Haffdonga Fri 06-Nov-15 18:33:17

Personality traits can be inherited too. For example you're more likely to be introverted or extroverted if your parents are like that, despite your upbringing.

But I repeat, arrogance and sneering is learnt not inherited.

You see your df treating women in a shitty superior way - you learn that's how you treat women. Fuck all to do with genes.

5BlueHydrangea Fri 06-Nov-15 18:35:16

I would say he's copied it.
That said, I like to blame my DD's bad bits (behaviour, health problems, anything...) on her father she has never met! Lightheartedly of course... That's what he gets for choosing to be absent her whole life.

gabsdot Fri 06-Nov-15 18:35:36

He's obviously learned them from his father. My sister's exH was a git, abusive, controlling and treated her like crap.
Even though she left him 5 years ago her 2 teenage boys treat her as badly as he did sometimes.
Nurture, rather than nature
This is good news though as you can hopefully train it out of him,

Leavingsosoon Fri 06-Nov-15 18:35:36

I don't know if I'm pleased or not by that! [smile ]

I do notice it more when a visit to XH is imminent.

Enjolrass Fri 06-Nov-15 19:11:39

People always comment on how dh looks and acts like his grandfather and how you can tell their are related because they look alike and have similar mannerisms. Dhs mum is adopted so he isn't a blood relative of his grandad but they are so alike.

I however have many mannerisms and personality traits that are just like my dad. Even though I didn't meet him until I was 10.

Mum always said I was more like him than her.

So I am on the fence a bit.

Are you sure you aren't just more sensitive to it, when you are getting close to sending him to his dad's? And it's not just normal teenage 'I know it all' behaviour?

CookieDoughKid Fri 06-Nov-15 19:14:30

Bit of nature and nature. Aspects of our personality is known to be hereditary or just what we are born with. A lot can be unlearned but Science has yet to figure alot of this out.

Shirehorsesworkhardest Fri 06-Nov-15 19:25:30

My brothers characteristics are similar to our grandfathers - he died when brother was 7. So I'm not sure they can't be inherited but managed maybe.

Akallabeth Fri 06-Nov-15 20:01:05

I would have said similar to others on here, that personality traits are nurture rather than nature, up until a few years ago. My DD is so alike her father in many ways, despite the fact she has not seen him since she was 2 years old and very sporadically before that. My DS on the other hand, is nothing like him in the slightest.

On the bad days I truly worry for my DD's future. It seems to me, despite my best efforts she is destined to follow in the footsteps of her father. It really does seem that she has inherited something genetic from him, and nothing I can say or do will ever be able to change that sad

Leavingsosoon Fri 06-Nov-15 20:16:24

It does really worry me too beth and DS thinks XH is great.

I have this horrible vision I can't quite shake of a 20 year old DS and a 50 year old XH shacked up together ...

CwtchMeQuick Fri 06-Nov-15 20:23:11

I think it's a mixture.

My DS is extremely strong willed, determined and stubborn. His father is all of these (as am I but to a lesser extent). His father is also arrogant and manipulative, amongst other things.
DS hasn't seen his father since he was 8 months old. Yet I see his father coming out in him more and more.
That being said, DS is growing into a kind, loving and respectful boy, but I know that's mostly down to the morals I try my hardest to drill into him so he doesn't end up like his father.
I think many personality traits are down to nature, but influenced by nurture

Leavingsosoon Fri 06-Nov-15 20:24:11

DS is lovely, but the older he gets (testosterone) I'm seeing him get more and more haughty and sneering, and that's hard. Especially as his dad can be just lovely too.

hiccupgirl Fri 06-Nov-15 20:55:53

I would try hard to take a step back and not focus on what your see to be your DS's faults that make him like his dad. I would focus on encouraging his good points and try to temper the traits that you don't like.

My parents divorced when I was very young and my DM constantly struggled with the fact that I was very similar to my dad in personality. She regularly pointed out my 'faults' that came from my dad in her eyes.

With my own DS I can see so much personality and mannerisms are inherited. My DB is the spit of our dad now he is older - identical mannerisms and turns of speech, yet he hardly saw our dad growing up.

Leavingsosoon Fri 06-Nov-15 21:03:42

I do try hard not to, but its hard. Lately I've been hearing a lot of 'I don't need to do what YOU say!' and similar, and that offhand lack of respect could be his dad, it really could.

Rebecca2014 Fri 06-Nov-15 21:12:11

Hmm interesting but you say you only recently split from your ex? so he grew up seeing his dad be abusive to you? That could easily explain his behaviour.

Leavingsosoon Fri 06-Nov-15 21:20:41

I really hope not sad

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