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Husband and I constantly argue about money and have totally different views. I can't work out who is being unreasonable?

(247 Posts)
cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 22:40:16

We have totally different attitudes to money. I don't know how to solve it and we have had another blazing row. I just don't know who is right or wrong anymore.

Basically he had a text from his mate to go out for drinks. He wanted to go but I reminded him he is low in his account. This leads to him ranting at me that it's my fault he can't go and I am dictating how he's spending his money and he earns x amount and only gets x amount of this. He's very mine, mine, mine in my opinion.

He then argues it's my fault because I got him a pair of trousers out of his account, which were less than half price. He argues these should have come out of the joint account and he didn't want me to get them for him. However , I thought I was doing something nice as the previous night he came home complaining that he urgently needed new trousers for work. I asked him twice before I brought them online if he wanted them and he said he did but is now saying he didn't want to upset me by saying no.

He then argued he should get it out the joint account as I had. £150 recently from a £450 tax rebate into my own account and the rest into savings and he had paid £1,000 bonus into the savings account recently out of a £2,000 bonus. The other £1,000 went towards the deposit on a car I didn't want.

He says I micro manage his money and constantly blames me for the fact he can't have nights out or new clothes. But he gets a set amount of money every month and chooses to spend it on other stuff so doesn't have the money for these things. He wants to get overdrawn to buy these things but I don't want to get overdrawn after spending years in our overdrafts and have worked bloody hard to get out of it. I know he's only talking about £10 or so snd he says he would make it up the following month but I feel like he wouldn't, he's very reckless with money. Plus I get half the amount he gets and I manage to buy clothes etc with that money without going overdrawn so feel while I work really hard to manage my money so should he. He's not willing to sacrifice one thing for something else like I am.

I want to save and feel we should underspend in our own accounts and use this to put into extra savings which he doesn't want to do as he doesn't care about any of the things I want to save for. Yet he wants a weeks holiday abroad next year and likes a warm house now we have a new boiler, all of which we only have due to my careful management of money.

So I get his point about being too controlling with the money but I feel I have to be of we would never have the savings. I don't dictate what he spends his money on I just ask him to stick to a certain amount which he says he can't do and should have more as he earns x amount plans only sees a small amount of that money.

I try to be a nice person about it and have got him a new paid of shoes as an early birthday present recently even though I had earmarked that money for some shoes myself. I just can't see who's right it wrong anymore.

Please be nice.

Cloppysow Thu 05-Nov-15 22:42:59

Do you have children?

wasonthelist Thu 05-Nov-15 22:49:08

There is no right and wrong here - not different. I married a woman who was a disaster area with money - we talked a lot about money and various other plans before marrying, and she promised she'd get her act together. She never did. We divorced for a number of reasons, but one was that I just sick of it. I think you will have to accept he has a different view then decide if you can tolerate it - because it doesn't sound as if his view is going to alter any time soon.

cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 22:51:25

We have 2dcs. This is one reason I don't want to overspend anymore and want to save up. When we met my attitude was very similiar to his and we threw money away on all sorts but now I ve totally changed and have grown up I guess. This is largely because I went freelance in my job so just wasn't earning what I used to so had to learn to cut back big time. He earns a decent amount though and although we re not flush we do have a reasonable amount of disposable income at the end if the month. This is also his argument.

MagersfonteinLugg Thu 05-Nov-15 22:51:42

It is these type of threads that make me so happy to be single again.
You sound very controlling over money. Why did YOU buy trousers for HIM out of HIS account? Can he not buy his own trousers when he wants to?
You then go on to say you want both of you to save.
Sorry but you sound like his mum.I had this with EXDH. He treated me like his child and it really pissed me off.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 05-Nov-15 22:53:01

First of all, don't buy clothes for a grown man, that's weird. Take the shoes back too.

Secondly, why do you only have half as much personal spending money as him?

In any case, sounds like you need separate savings if you are each saving for things the other one doesn't care about. DH and I do that. If your DH wants to save for a holiday or new boiler or car and pay for it out of his savings, fantastic. If you want to save for something else, do so. Do not sub him. Don't bail out his overdraft or pay for all the groceries or use your shoe savings to buy shoes for him.

laffymeal Thu 05-Nov-15 22:56:19

Can never understand separate finances within a family, me and dh could never afford to have our own money, we barely got by with pooling every penny we had.

sunshineandshowers Thu 05-Nov-15 22:57:51

He sounds like a man child. He wants to go out but doesn't have the money. So he can't. He shouldn't moan and blame you. He said yes to the trousers. You were v thoughtful and he said YES. I bet he wouldn't do the same for you. If you needed new work trousers. He is painting you as being controlling to make you feel bad. You wouldn't have to have any control over your joint finances if he want such a child and saved as much as you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 05-Nov-15 23:00:24

Oh, you decided to take a much lower paid job, which means he has to cut back on his spending and be told off if he doesn't cut back enough.

You can spend money from his account on things you think he should want (trousers) and then tell him he can't go out with his mates because he doesn't have enough money left in his account.

I think I would feel quite resentful in his position too.

cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 23:01:23

I brought the trousers as I was trying to be nice. He said he wanted new trousers for his suit and I knew he would never get round to it. I saw them in the sale and so thought I would snap them up. Plus we have a wedding on Friday and I wanted them to arrive before that. Nothing controlling at all.

The shoes he went online and chose them and I said I d get them as an early birthday present because he was low on cash. Again nothing controlling but trying to be nice as he said he's ones leaked today as it was raining.

I don't get how separate savings would work. He would have nothing on his! He's got everything he wanted to save for first hence why he's now not bothered by the other stuff. He's paying for some of it as a direct debit out if his money another reason he runs out of month.

TheHouseOnTheLane Thu 05-Nov-15 23:05:14

I also think you sound controlling. Let him find and buy his OWN clothing.

My DH would be most confused if I started suggesting things for him to buy and then "reminding" him he's low in his account.

cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 23:05:28

Run rabbit- yes that's one point he makes which I agree with a feel guilty about in some ways. This is why he had all the things he wanted first out of the savings and we got a car on finance which I didn't want. I accepted he works hard, has a stressful job and gives us the lifestyle we have so agreed he should have something he wants because of this. Even though I put little value on a flash car . This is also the reason I have less than him as fun money each month.

headexplodesbodyfreezes Thu 05-Nov-15 23:07:57

It all sounds very complicated. But I couldn't tolerate someone else telling me that I can't have a tenner to go to the pub when I had recently put £1000 in a savings account.

Life can be short.

JohnCusacksWife Thu 05-Nov-15 23:10:02

I don't understand your post. If he didn't have money in his account then how could he go out? It would piss me off if my husband was micro managing my money so I can sort of see his point. Agree a mutually acceptable monthly allowance and let him get on with it without interference.

cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 23:10:04

Didn't suggest what he should buy. He came home last night and said he needed new trousers and I thought I was doing a favour buying them for him. I asked him first. Same with the shoes, he said he wanted/ needed some and I said I would get them as an early birthday present. I don't see his this is controlling. I didn't tell him and don't tell him what to spend his money on I just ask him to stick to the amount he gets.

NoSquirrels Thu 05-Nov-15 23:10:08

Hmm. I naturally sympathise with you on these points - you are doing money "sensibly" and your Dh is spending "recklessly". However, if you treat someone like a child - if you unwittingly set up the dynamic where you are the parent "treating" him to some clothes, then the other person will start to react like a child. If he doesn't have the full picture of what cash is on hand, and how much it costs to run the house, then it will seem like he's being controlled and not "seeing" his money. You need to find a way to address that, and it may mean giving up some control. If your "needs" are all taken care of, then you need to look at your "wants" - and these could be things you think are important and should trump his "wants".

Can you sit down with a list of ALL the things that need money spent on them, and see who values what most highly? Forget about actual cash value of something for a moment, and concentrate on what you value, and what your DH values.

For instance, I would place security (so overpaying the mortgage, saving for a rainy day) above clothes. But my DH would place spending on films and audio-visual equipment above overpaying the mortgage and above clothes. We both accept that the bills and every day spending come first, so this is a question of what to do with what's truly disposable.

If your DH values a holiday and more nights out with his mates and a flashier car higher than saving (what for, you don't specify) then you need to talk it through.

BaronessEllaSaturday Thu 05-Nov-15 23:12:01

Relook at the budgets and sort out the savings and essentials first then arrange the fun money, If he runs out before the month ends he runs out and has to do without, don't bail him out but also don't spend his money for him, if he wants trousers then he has to get them if it ends up costing him more because he misses a bargain then the only person who suffers for that is him. You need to let him control his own money without it impacting on the household.

NoSquirrels Thu 05-Nov-15 23:17:17

Also, look at what you're classing as purchases to come out of "his" account, and what can come out of the joint account.

In the trousers example, if he needs new work trousers, those should be part of your joint budget. Everyone needs to be clothed. Ditto the new shoes, if his are letting in rain. Same goes for you, same goes for the DC. Work out an acceptable budget for essential clothes. But if he wanted to buy a designer leather jacket, or you fancy a pair of Jimmy Choos, then they come out of your own fun money.

Cloppysow Thu 05-Nov-15 23:25:13

You do sound a bit controlling to be honest, the whole trousers and pub thing sounds like you're his mum. And he sounds like a rebellious teenager.

I can understand why you have the attitude you do about savings though.

I'd be inclined to get the savings in an account that can't be easily accessed to sort his overdraft and back right off about his expenditure. He'll either start acting like a grown up once you're off his case, or he won't.

My ex was a nightmare with money when we were together with 2 kids. I felt like his mum, he rebelled. We split. He's still appalling with money. I'm not great, but i make sure the kids have what they need and we have an ok life. I can't say the same for him.

cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 23:32:17

We have sat down and worked out a set amount of fun money which goes into each account. That is our money and we are both free to spend it how we like. I don't dictate that. The problem is he wants to do everything and wants to go overdrawn to get everything whereas I want to put any extra money we have left in our own accounts into a savings account.

He spends his money on other stuff and then moans he can't afford clothes and another night out with his mates because he's spent all his money before the end of the month. He then makes out this is my fault as he doesn't get enough money and can't stick to it. I see what he spends his money on unnecessary things but he sees them as essentials.

We agreed clothes, petrol etc would come out of our own money after bills etc paid. I feel if this came out of our joint money we would have more arguments as I would spend so much on clothes and he would want large amounts for gadgets.

cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 23:39:25

Also, we have gone through our finances very carefully , saw what we were over-spending on and have cut back.

I should add we currently already save a few hundred out the joint money every month. But I want to save extra out our own accounts and not get overdrawn in any account. Husband doesn't.

We have sat down and made a list of what we want to spend the money on in order of priority. All of it is household things. We are working through that list but got sidetracked with things which weren't high on the priority list like a car and electrical goods as he wanted them. He now says he doesn't care about the other things on the list- new curtains/ carpets etc so the inventive to save in his own account has gone. I can understand him not being bothered by this. Perhaps I should just stick to the amount we are saving anyway and I continue to save in my own account and not try and push him to save extra in his own account for things he doesn't care about?

itsthecircleoflife Thu 05-Nov-15 23:43:06

Heres how to do it.

Add up all the money you bring in between you- and deduct essential costs:

1. Mortgage/rent
2. Bills- including childcare if you pay for it. Not personal phone contracts/top ups.
3. Groceries

Then whatever is left divide into four- 1/4 for savings, 1/4 for your child(ren) for clothes, xmas and birthdays, trips out etc, 1/4 for you for free spends and 1/4 for him for free spends.

He spends his how he likes- you spend yours how you like. If he wants to blow all his money in the pub, thats up to him.

And stop buying him things aside from birthdays and Christmas unless he asks for it and only if he needs it in that case.

cleoteacher Thu 05-Nov-15 23:43:35

He wants to go out but is low on cash and wants to go overdrawn to do so. I don't want him to.

I should clarify. With the trousers they were suit ones. He wanted exactly the same ones but a bigger size as they needed to match the jacket. There was no picking them for him involved. I just needed to order what we had in a bigger size.

NoSquirrels Thu 05-Nov-15 23:44:31

If you have agreed that the money in his account is "fun money" then that's what it is - if he wants to spend it all, then he can. You can't give with one hand and take away with another. If you want to save for household things, it comes out of the household account.

If you want new curtains more than him, you top up the account to get them faster. And don't do it resentfully! It is your choice, and his choice is to spend it all on booze and shiny toys. Neither of you is morally superior.

We agreed clothes, petrol etc would come out of our own money after bills etc paid. I feel if this came out of our joint money we would have more arguments as I would spend so much on clothes and he would want large amounts for gadgets.

Ok, if it works. But it doesn't work if you buy his trousers & shoes for him. He clearly didn't want trousers and shoes, he wanted a night at the pub and a different birthday present...

Marynary Thu 05-Nov-15 23:48:35

You do sound a bit controlling with regard to money. You say that the "fun"money goes into each account and you are free to spend if as you wish but if that is the case why do you feel the need to remind him that he is low on his account? If he goes overdrawn it will effect him rather than you as he will have less money to spend on clothes etc the following month. I would just stay out of it.

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