selfish PIL (rant)(65 Posts)
Both sets of our parents live equidistant to us, about 1.5 hours each way, yet my folks muck in and help out with DS in a weekly basis so I can go to work, take him for weekends every other month so we can have some time off and help with his nursery costs all without being asked. The PIL on the other hand come to visit every two months and it's like royalty have arrived. The planning of each visit is endless and involved loads of phone calls and emails, followed by us blitzing the house and spending too much money on stupid pre dinner snacks for them. They arrive and it feels like we wait on them whilst parenting and still fitting in work whilst they sit around drinking wine. They're loaded and we're on the breadline but they never bring anything with them or contribute and if we go out more often than not we'll pay even though we end up struggling through to the end of the month afterwards. My folks on the other hand,
havent got a pot to piss in aren't well off, but take us out and generally pop the odd bit of shopping in. I asked my MIl earlier (having just arranged for them to come and stay again which will wipe us out for November) if she could maybe have DS on a specific date in December due to an extra day's work, but she's got a choir rehearsal the next day and doesnt want to risk missing it. It's actually starting to make me boil with rage. I know there's absolutely no reason why they should help but it would be nice if they actually wanted to. I feel drained when they're here and shattered when they go.
The thing is, they're actually really nice people. I just think they're so well off that they're actually totally clueless about how tough things are for us at the mo and a lot of the population in general. FIL also has a I made my way in this world, so everyone else should too attitude. Can I turn this round so I don't get all embittered about it? DP doesn't see anything wrong with how things are so I can't discuss it with him.
And there's your problem in your last sentence.
Well perhaps you could stop putting out the red carpet for them.
Don't go out to eat, don't buy in piles of nice food etc
Yanbu, but prepare to be flamed.
Unfortunately some people are helpful and generous, and some just aren't.
I would just say sorry, can't afford to entertain this November, see you at some other point when we have a bit of spare cash, but then I am a real bitch and dh 100% has my back, so it's easy for me to say.
I understand why you are a bit annoyed but YABU. And I feel your pain, my PIL visit less than that and can't come certain days because they want to play tennis or go to the cinema.
But... They are grandparents not childminders. It is up to them, maybe they are old and knackered and not up to it or just don't want to.
You should be very grateful your parents help as much as they do.
Is it your DH who insists on the red carpet? Is he insecure?
You can't blame them for not providing childcare or helping with your costs. It's generous of your parents, but not a requirement.
In your position, I'd stop doing things you can't afford. Don't buy special things in and don't take them out. If they query it then explain you have a tight budget. If it's spelled out they might offer to pay!
What happens when you visit them? Do they feed you nice food, pay for stuff?
stop buying 'snacks' and paying when you go out, are you an adult?
do what Liara said - tell them you dont have the funds
They are grandparents, not child minders
It is frustrating but not everyone wants to look after children when they get older. As for the money stuff, I wouldn't go out or I'd visit them.
It's unfair to expect them to be unpaid childminders, it's nice if they want to but they're your children not theirs.
It's down to you both that you are spending so much on them, you don't have to. Let them visit and just give them cheap food, they'll soon get the idea. They're not mind readers, how are they supposed to know that you can't really afford their visit.
That said, they sound a bit mean not to offer more by way of support.
They don't sound too bad to me, I think it's that your parents are so good that they seem bad by comparison.
Some people don't even have one set of parents that help so in that way you aren't too badly off - but stop treating your in laws like royalty!!
That red carpet shit would stop right now. I would tell your 'd'p that you will not be going without to fund their visit.
'I would just say sorry, can't afford to entertain this November, see you at some other point when we have a bit of spare cash.' This x100. They need to be told, we cannot afford to host. They suggest going out, you say, 'We can't afford to, but you go on ahead.'
Don't buy in special stuff, either. And STOP waiting on them. 'What's for dinner?' 'Whatever you're buying in.' 'How about a cuppa?' 'You know where the kettle is.'
Maybe stop making so much effort? Cook as you normally would, let your dh do the cleaning and if they suggest going out when you can't afford it tell them no and why not.
Or, alternatively, invite them twice a year and make a fuss of them but let them invite you to come to them if they want to see more of you.
If your parents haven't got much, why on earth would you be taking money from them for your costs? You made your choices as an adult and should fund them. Perhaps that's what your PIL believe too.
You sound very entitled, only wanting them involved when you gain from it either financially or free sitters.
I'm inclined to agree with Autumn.
<<Don't buy in special stuff, either. And STOP waiting on them. 'What's for dinner?' 'Whatever you're buying in.' 'How about a cuppa?' 'You know where the kettle is.'>>
That's rude. If you have people to stay you offer them food, even if it's the beans on toast you normally have. No harm in telling them to help themselves to tea and coffee though.
This happened in my family & there is no choice but to accept that some grandparents are hands off. Stop spending money if it makes you struggle.
Sadly they will reap what they sowed (or didn't sow). My dc have a really close bond with the set of grandparents that acted like your family but a very distant relationship with the grandparents that acted like your in laws.
Hmmmm sorry but I think you might get flamed for this at some point OP.
Agree with hopping that they don't sound too bad really, but your DPs are so good they look bad by comparison.
I don't think you need to lay out the red carpet for them though especially if it's wiping you out financially.
Fwiw I only have ILs nearby and if they take our DC at all I consider it a massive favour and am extremely grateful. They have babysat for us maybe 4 times in 11 months and I don't think that's a problem. My DDad is nowhere nearby so has never babysat for us.
It's up to you to provide childcare for your child. I think it's unreasonable of anyone to expect GP to step in for regular childminding. Yes it would be nice for them to offer to babysit every now and then, but really that's your responsibility. I'm not a fan of grown adults with their own family looking for parents to financial support. The 'they're loaded, why don't they pay our bills' scenario - really you have to stand on your own two feet. There is only one set of GP alive I our family, my parents, and I have never asked for any sort of help as they are in their 70s. We still have a close relationship.
As for the visiting, you should cut back to basics if you are spending beyond your means. You can have them over without the frills. I thought your comment about them drinking wine while you parent is weird, do you think someone else should take over the parenting of your child??
Do you visit them? When was the last time they minded your child?
You really seem to have it good from your parents, a lot more support than others have. I think you are expecting way too much to require that from 2 sets of grandparents.
<<If your parents haven't got much, why on earth would you be taking money from them for your costs?>>
Dh and I have more money than my parents, but I would never upset and shame them by refusing the bits and pieces of stuff they buy for the children, or cook for us, on the basis that 'they can't afford it'. How patronising!
I think you need to dig your heels in with your dh about the expensive snacks and meals out. Blitzing the house for the in laws isn't all bad(I think it was the only cleaning I did in the early years) but don't spend what you don't have. Have this discussion with your dh, is he trying to prove something to them?
Either they will cotton on that things are tight or they will start taking you out. Win win.
I think having them pay child care fees is a bit different though, Barbarian?
Might just be me though.
ARe you doing all the arranging with inlaws - emailing, phoning etc, who is blitzing the house? who is buying expensive snacks?
Maybe do your own stuff and leave DH to, at the least, do the arranging (whilst checking that the plans don't clash with something you have on) and maybe go out to a friends/gym whilst they are visiting, instead of treating them like royalty. And if DH makes very demanding plans eg cooking vast meals and taking them out, take a step back and let him do it.
They might be happy to muck in but seems DH/you isn't giving them the chance.
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