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About DH working in Japan?

(90 Posts)
ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 05-Nov-15 16:40:57

To give a bit of background so I'm not drupfeeding. My DH has his own company, we do well (I do accounts etc) and I am a SAHM. We have three kids who are 10, 5, 2. My DH tends to get an idea about something and jumps in with both feet without thinking it through properly or only seeing the positives rather than negatives. He is a great husband, really helps out with the kids and in the house if needed etc, isn't funny with money or abusive in anyway except he can sometimes unknowingly be a little selfish. His siblings were in their twenties when he was born because his mum had them young so he was spoiled by them all and grew up pretty much as an only child so sometimes thinks only of himself.

He called me this morning and asked how I would feel about him going to work in Japan in a couple of weeks for a few weeks. Hed been given someone's number who was looking for contractors to go over and work with him.

I said (thinking here we go with an idea he suddenly thinks is great without thinking of negatives) get more info then we will discuss it.

So he text me later saying 'x said the guy has guys working in Australia the Bahamas, could be a great adventure' that instantly make me think he's thinking of the benefits to himself and what he can get out by getting to go.

He then called and said he has spoken to the guy and it's all expenses paid (didn't ask where exactly he'd be staying though) day rate is less than what he charges here but the same as what he makes after tax. However he'd be working 12 hour shifts that he doesn't do here and he'd be working 21 days straight that he doesn't here and the kids wouldn't see their dad for three weeks.

Since starting typing this he has come in. He said he's worked it out and hed make 250 more than he would at home. I said 250 over three weeks but the kids wouldn't see you for three weeks and would really miss you. Surely the negatives outweighs the positives for the family as a whole and financially it's not that much better. He said in an annoyed tone well I just thought it would be an experience that could lead to other things and work elsewhere (more adventures for him with not much more financial benefits is what I take from that) I said I think you are being a little selfish and thinking of it as an adventure for yourself instead of thinking how much the kids will miss you. Hes went out in a huff but is away to help his friend in his house anyway.

Aibu? It just feels like the benefits aren't that great and it's coming up to Xmas where il be having to rush from pillar to post getting the kids to all their different things they will need to go to and doing it on my own for an extra 250 just isn't worth it.

ChristinaParsons Thu 05-Nov-15 16:47:22

Mine went to work in Japan for 3 weeks. He met someone else. He hasn't come back yet

fatowl Thu 05-Nov-15 16:49:31

I thought you were going to say he wanted you to all move to Japan.

Three weeks isn't that long IMO, but my dh worked all over the world, even when my kids were little, it just came with the job.

Will it benefit his career, help build contacts etc?
Will his expenses be paid, or will they come out of the 250 (and you'll therefore make a loss?)

My dh's job is so insecure at them moment, I'm just grateful we get to the end of each week, so I'm probably not the best person to comment

OffMyAyersRocker Thu 05-Nov-15 16:50:08


BarbarianMum Thu 05-Nov-15 16:50:33

I think everyone needs a bit of adventure in their life. I'd let my dh go - as a one off - and would expect him to do likewise for me.

mrsjanedoe Thu 05-Nov-15 16:51:22

It's only for 3 weeks?

then yes, YABU. We may like it or not, but we spend more time at work than with our families (discount time we're asleep!). You might as well enjoy what you are doing, it does sound like an exciting opportunity for him.

It's not JUST about money (and he said that more opportunities could come from this experience). The kids will miss him, but it won't do any harm at all (I had working parents who had to go away for weeks, completely fine for us, not traumatised in any way).

Can't you take a cleaner for these weeks, so you have more time for other things, and your own life is easier?

Wouldn't you be tempted to go too if you were in his shoes? Life is too short to have regrets. If he was going for months it would be different, but only a few weeks... maybe let the man have a little fun.(however much fun he can get whilst working non-stop for 3 weeks!)

Hoppinggreen Thu 05-Nov-15 16:54:18

Yanbu, my DH works away sometimes but we always weigh up the costs in financial and time with family terms.
This week he is away but has made £2000 more than he would here, even after we have taken out any expenses so we consider t worthwhile.
3 weeks of him being on the other side of the world for £250 would not be worth it for any of us.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 05-Nov-15 16:55:01

God sorry to hear that Cristina flowers

Fatowl, thats the other thing I forgot to mention (sorry) he's booked up to Christmas so would basically need to cancel those jobs! I totally appreciate people have partners who regularly work away and if it were beneficial and it would be better financially and help build contacts (which he doesn't need as he has got a solid business here with regular contacts etc) then fair enough, but it won't.

Iv just done the calculations and he's worked it out against him working fine days a week here. So actually, if he stayed at home and worked twelve hour days, seven days for three weeks he wouldn't actually be making anything and would make more here.

SeaCabbage Thu 05-Nov-15 16:57:51

Does he acknowledge that it will mean a lot more work for you with him away for three weeks? Will he appreciate your enabling him to go? I think that is important.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 05-Nov-15 16:58:56

Mrsjanedoe that's why I'm feeling torn because I am thinking yeah he will get to experience somewhere else. We had my eldest at 19 so never got to go travelling without the kids and it's something we both regret but if he's working 12 hour days every day he is there. I can't see how much he could experience realistically.

Cleaner wouldn't be an option. No there's absolutely no way he'd agree to me doing it because he works.

We both regularly go away for hen or stags abroad. He was away for four days in may and was desperate to get home and that was whilst having fun. I don't think it will be as much as an adventure as he thinks.

LineyReborn Thu 05-Nov-15 16:59:16

He's hardly going to have an adventure and see Japan working 12 hours a day, working 21 days straight.

They do go to bars, though.

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Nov-15 16:59:54

Will cancelling those jobs affect his business long-term? There is more to life than making money - is he happy with his job/business? However, if you think he's looking to build up a business working abroad regularly and you're not happy with that probably best to talk that through now.

Maursh Thu 05-Nov-15 17:00:44

"day rate is less than what he charges here but the same as what he makes after tax. "

won't he still have to pay tax as if he earned it in the UK?

FirstWeTakeManhattan Thu 05-Nov-15 17:03:03

If I was in your DH's shoes I would absolutely want the experience and the adventure. If it's doable, then I would want to do it. So likewise, I'd never stop my DH doing it either.

Life's short. I'm pretty certain if you were posting about you going, there would be an outpouring of support.

My kids are not dissimilar to yours. I'd have them looking at the map, seeing where daddy's going, waiting to hear him say a few words in Japanese, looking at the photos etc.

IT's three weeks, not three years. It IS an adventure. That's a good thing.

I would feel pretty bad about standing in the way of my DH's opportunity, so in my view, YABU.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 05-Nov-15 17:03:18

Hopping green that's amazing, totally beneficial for you all.

Seacabbage, probably not.

I'm just going to message him saying, if it's what you want to do go for it. The ball is in your court.

If it's hard work il just not agree to it again haha.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 05-Nov-15 17:05:44

Maursh he said it will be tax free as it's outwith the eu. Iv not looked into that yet.

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Nov-15 17:05:50

<<If it's hard work il just not agree to it again haha.>>

Sounds like a plan smile Also, don't forget to think about what sort of adventure you might like.

OliviaBenson Thu 05-Nov-15 17:07:13

I think that this isn't worth the money. And he hasn't thought at all about the impact on you. I'm all for new adventures, but this isn't it.

GoblinLittleOwl Thu 05-Nov-15 17:07:53

Three weeks working away doesn't seem unreasonable, considering he seems to be a good husband in many ways, not just financial.

MatildaTheCat Thu 05-Nov-15 17:08:32

Can he afford to piss off his UK clients and damage his reputation here? Cancelling projects at short notice is really unprofessional and likely to mean less work and might mean he is forced to work abroad just to get work at all.

I think you are right to be concerned unless there is a clear financial benefit and no loss to his UK business potential.

juneau Thu 05-Nov-15 17:09:54

I would say no. My DH hates being away from the kids though and an 11-day business trip was tough for him because he missed them. It was hard being without him too - particularly at the weekends. Do you get a say? If so, do you think he'd keep doing it? Because this one 3-week trip could turn into a regular thing, surely, if he's already talking about Australia and the Bahamas too ...

LineyReborn Thu 05-Nov-15 17:10:06

There's no financial benefit, he won't see Japan, and he'll go to a lot of bars.

stealthsquiggle Thu 05-Nov-15 17:16:33

Not sure how it would be tax free given that the money would need to end up in the UK, but I am no expert.

Japan is lovely. Travelling is great. It doesn't sound like the finances add up, though, TBH.

HeadDreamer Thu 05-Nov-15 17:16:58

It's only three weeks. He probably really want to visit Japan.

RB68 Thu 05-Nov-15 17:18:03

Ok background from me, OH and I co-directors own firm I do accounts and all admin plus some consultancy (to be honest I like doing all the co stuff and staying at home for kiddo 10 and doggo, so don't encourage the consultancy from me), he goes off all round the world generally short trips long hours - on 12 hr shifts no break for 3 weeks he hasn't got time to meet anyone else. It is a sort of adventure - but wld you want to do 12 hrs straight for 3 weeks, he will make contacts and it will likely lead to more overseas trips and cld even lead to something permanent. It is only 3 weeks at the moment - you could cope - rope in family to assist or friends if fam not local, work out what is essential and desirable in the house and only do essential, think about using online ordering for food shop, christmas related stuff, anything else necessary, book yourself a babysitter each week for a night off.

I would say however that I suspect you could negotiate on price a bit more so push him to do that - for three weeks work I would want to see more margin than 250 quid. Nearer 3k would be more like it and feel worth while. My OH is the same - he gets all antsi pantsy when he senses something interesting come along and wants to do it for a pittance - he needs to value his work and maximise return from it as he has two salaries to cover - yours and his

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