cut contact with kids dad

[edgarsuit]

so ..... i have recently stopped contact with the children's father only letting him come to there birthday party's and going once to see my son while he was at his nans
The reason for NC is because he has been aggressive and unreasonable constantly swearing at me words like "you nasty cunt " "you make me sick you piece of shit" " your the worst mother" etc IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. and completely unprovoked i am not particularly nice to him but im also not horrible or angry just sterile really i never swear at him or shout .

a few incidents include him taking my keys from the car and not letting me leave and swearing at me while holding our 5 year old. and when dropping them off decided to change the time from 6 to 4 i explained i wouldn't be home in time so he said he was going to leave them with a neighbour.

storming off leaving my son screaming on the drive for daddy to come back and me having to call in sick at work

causing a massive scene in the middlle of pizza hut when we bumped into him there with his new girlfriend and her children , i tried to calmly explain that it wasn't fair for him to sit on another table with two other children and there's no reason we cant all be civil and sit together , he replied" i'm not sitting with you , you nasty bitch you make me sick then began shouting and calling me a cunt at which point the waiter came over to ask if i was ok .
i then sent the children to sit with him and left pizza hut and collected them and hour later .

he also called me and said " you are going to have to stop all this friday shit coz i cant get back on time to have the kids " ( by this he meant my job ) and i had to leave as a result . and hasn't provided any child maintenance for 2 months

I have arranged mediation appointments to try and sort the situation out and lay some ground rules but during the 1st session he lied through the whole thing so we got nowhere ( I also believe he has a serious compulsive lying disorder as he's been lying about the most random things and caught out every time even by the mediator at the session)

in the 2nd session i lay down my ground rules which were pretty harsh but i feel extremely necessary things like he needs to seek help for anger management and compulsive lying , no alcohol anywhere near the time of having the kids and i will be breathing ( as he will just lie)
meeting with his GF as he lives with her. and a few other general consistency rules . to this he stormed out with the usual verbal abuse .

now i don't know what to do as i don't know if i'm doing the right thing by stopping contact and where i go from here
and weather to try another mediation session if hes willing or let him try for court access

What would you do ?

[BastardGoDarkly]

I'd stop contact. At least for a while. He needs to be civil to you, especially in front of the kids.

Maybe when he's missed the kids for a while, he'll realise he needs to grow the fuck up.

[Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox]

I think you both need to do the parenting information programme that the courts organise.

If he's out with his girlfriend in Pizza Hut, yes it's odd for the kids and awkward, but demanding he plays happy families when relations are clearly strange is just provoking madness.

It sounds a lot like it's 6 and 2 3's here, if we heard his side too. You both need to compromise. You can't stop your kids being with his new girlfriend. I think you both need to step back, use a neutral third party for contact if possible.

The kids need contact with both parents. You two need to behave like adults, and give each other space. Sheesh.

[Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox]

Strained, not strange.

[BarbarianMum]

You are doing the right thing. Maintain NC. If he is verbally or physically threatening to you go to police and look to get an injunction.

Have you got a solicitor? You could arrange contact via them. Or if you are not married and have no court ordered contact in place, let him take you to court to gain access and ask for this to be via a third party (so no direct contact bw the 2 of you). Or if you think he is a danger to the children, refuse contact and tell the courts why.

He sounds like a turd.

[Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox]

If you go to court, he will get contact, and you'll both be sent on the PIP. Which sounds like a good thing all round. It sounds like mediation isn't working, so I would encourage him to take you to court. You can both be LiP, so it needn't be expensive.

[edgarsuit]

big fish thanks for you r post ... there was no demand to sit with us i was trying to be civil .. this was the day he had stormed out and left our sun crying on the drive therefore the children were expecting to spend the evening with him as arranged . therfore i explained that to sit on another table in front of his children would hurt them .

i am curious to know why you feel its 6and 2 3's . the info i have given is fact and if my ex was to give his side he would inevitably lie

[edgarsuit]

also in no way am i trying to stop his Gf being around the kids but i dont kow her i would like to get to know her so we can create a civil relationship as the children . will be staying with her in her house if they were to stay with him

I agree mediation isnt working . and i know he will gain contact i want him to have contact but want the abuse to stop.

i am not sure my children are in danger as such but im also not sure they are safe i cant reason with him or get him to be civil in font of them. if he is drinking i fear he would treat his GF the same way and also can don thing like burn the house down and becomes uncontrollable ( hes done this several times before

[Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox]

He's burnt the house down several times?!

You sound very negative about a man you saw fit to have children with.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

He has burnt the house down several times?!

[Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox]

You don't have to know his girlfriend, I'm sorry. Please look in to what you can and can't request, I suspect you're both rubbing each other up the wrong way.

You need to stop arguing in front of the kids- away to ensure that would be to use a neutral third party, and have no contact AT ALL until you can be civil to each other.

You can't interfere AT ALL into what he chooses to do,or who he introduces them to, during his contact, so just give upon that.

The kids need contact, as long as they're safe. You don't need to be able to reason with him, or be civil with him, if you use a third party. You don't get to dictate terms of contact. It's hard, believe me, I know, but he's their dad, and equal parent to you.

[spanisharmada]

Well, you would be negative about someone that was abusive to you, wouldn't you.
As for seeing fit to have children with him, hoick those judgey pants up as far as you like but it is well known that abuse is likely to start during or soon after pregnancy.
DV (which includes EA) affects 1 in 3 women at some point in their lives, so not just the thickies.
Trying to shame people dealing with this kind of thing is neither kind, nor helpful.

[Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox]

I was a victim of DA. I'm not a thicky.

However, if they're unlikely to harm the kids, the court will give contact.

Stepping back, and taking control of what you can control, and realising what you can't, is actually the best thing I ever did in terms of my sanity.

Honestly, this woman has written her partner has burnt the house down several times- excuse me for getting the feeling there is some exageration here!

It sounds like the kids are witnessing DA. That needs to stop. One effective way to stop this is to stop the two parents meeting/communicating, and using a third party. The courts will not stop contact for the parents arguing, but the parents have to protect the kids. In this situation, it sounds like the best way to do that is to stop them witnessing the DA, which means the parents stop communicating. As long as the parents are safe with the kids alone, that doesn't mean contact has to stop, and in my experience, the court will not approve of contact being stopped.

[m1nniedriver]

ny having to 'stop' contact I can only oressume he wants contact so no, you can't just stop it because he will take you to court and most likely gain contact. I doubt 'but your honour he called me a cunt' will stand in his way

To demand that he doesn't drink when he has the children is ridiculous also. I question your motives when this demand is backed up by 'he has burnt the house down several times'

[Booyaka]

BigFish is giving you good advice. You can't demand you can breathalyse him or that his girlfriend is forced to spend time with you. Nor was asking to sit with him in Pizza Hut a sensible thing to do. I have to say I'm also extremely surprised that Pizza Hut allowed someone who behaved in the way you describe and used that language to continue dining there.

Regarding Friday's, it seems that you both have a work commitment which stops you from being there at a particular time for the children. In that case what you need to do is what parents who are still together do and organise childcare for that period. This may also facilitate you not having to see each other at handover time.

The children are the most important people here, and it sounds like their best interests would be served by you two not seeing each other or having contact and doing all hand overs via a third party.

[edgarsuit]

yes sorry the burning the house down was an exaggeration ... however when drunk he has set fire to a tree, set fire to my garden and in his bedroom when a teenager .. its was just an example of his idiocy when he has been drinking , while drunk he also threw a plate at me , head butted a door and dropped the tv on his foot . he is a hazard when drunk which is why ifeel its not unreasonable to ask him to only see the children while completely sober . in his own time he can do whatever the hell he wants .

i did feel in mediation that the meeting with Gf may have been a step too far .. however i dont feel simply meeting her for a get to know you is to much to ask.

and i dont want the courts to stop contact. i really want some1 professional to get him to see sense in his behaviour .

its not just arguing its screaming , swearing , slamming, aggressive, , gestures, threats .headbutting stuff , throwing (not at anyone but in anger ) abusive texts and phone calls storming off leaving the kids crying

[Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox]

Arson is usually taken incredibly seriously by the authorities. If this were me, I'd wish to speak to the police, not his girlfriend.

[wheelsonabus]

But the judge will be interested to hear about him shouting and swearing because it's verbal abuse and all part of the abusive picture. He will want to hear about all the abuse the children have had to witness. Witnessing abuse is extremely distressing and in my opinion a kind of abuse in itself on the children.

Storming off and leaving them crying on the driveway, frightening them by headbutting things infront of them. This is a direct threat to them - he showing them he is in control and violent. It is not accidental behaviour.

I would say nc is definitely the way to go with him until he learns to treat his children with more respect and that includes reining in the frightening behaviour and the verbal abuse to their mother.

[VestalVirgin]

Oh dear. Have some . You are not being unreasonable. You should get this a**hole as far away from your children and yourself as possible. Sadly, your options are limited by laws that don't care about the wellbeing of children, but ... try your best.
You are being very reasonable indeed by not wanting to expose your children to that sort of behaviour.

And I totally agree you with not wanting him to be drunk around the children. Why m1nniedriver would think that acceptable is beyond me.

[Booyaka]

I have to say, I'm wondering what else is a bit of 'an exaggeration'. Burning the house down several times is a huge one. And Pizza Hut allowing someone who'd been screaming 'cunt' across a restaurant to continue eating there???

[Booyaka]

It's interesting Mumsnet isn't it? Even when an OP openly admits bending the truth posters will continue posting as though everything they say is the gospel truth and clearly the father should be kept away from the children on the word of someone who has admitted they're not exactly relating events truthfully...

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Booyaka I'm with you there. My thoughts exactly.

[Damselindestress]

Maybe he repeatedly threatened to burn the house down, it's a bit unclear and could have been a typo rather than deliberate.

[edgarsuit]

it was meant as a theoretical possibility of the danger he can cause when hes been drinking and a reason for my condition of not drinking around the children

its obviously not the main or only issue here .



.. why on earth would i come for advice if my post isn't factual .

[m1nniedriver]

Is it only on MN that shouting and swearing at someone is suddenly a form of abuse? DPs ex regularky shouts and swears at him, I wonder if he were to storm in, call her abusive and take the kids how it would sound? She hates him and to all intents is probably 'abusive' to him when she's pissed off, it doesn't reflect on her as a mother though

[m1nniedriver]

vestal do you really think its up to the OZo if her husband has a drink I'm pretty sure that would be seen as controlling behaviour of the father demanded that OP never drink when the children are around? Surely to anyone that is OTT!