Does this sound okay?(43 Posts)
Another in-law thread!!!
I have never really got on great with DHs in-laws. I love their son, but he is different to them, and over the years is realising that they are not as fabulous as they think they are. Part of the problems I've had with them is, as I have been repeatedly been told by them, is that I don't do things the way they would, and if I do things my way they see it as a slight on them.
So anyway, I sense trouble brewing, and I just wanted to check if my approach (which DH agrees with) is reasonable in more impartial people's eyes.
DH and I both have siblings who got married in the past year. DHs sibling is now expecting their first child. We have 3 kids, and are done having our family. We spoke with his sibling and said that if they liked, we'd go through all our baby things and pass on equipment and clothes to them. They jumped at this, and said they'd take everything. I said I'd put together a list of what they were welcome to have, and to let me know whatever they wanted off of that.
The thing is, I don't want to give everything to DHs sibling, as I have a sibling who would also like to have kids, and a year isn't a long time for it not to have happened yet, and I'd also like to be able to pass on some things to them.
So this is what I planned (In fairness to DH, he agreed with what I suggested too):
- Anything my parents bought for our kids, I keep to pass on to my sibling's kids
- Anything DHs parents bought, I pass on to DHs sibling.
- Anything we bought we roughly split, and I don't mind if DHs sibling gets more as her baby will be born first, and who knows what will happen for my sibling.
- Big equipment like cot and changing table, we give to DHs sibling.
I thought this was a great deal for DHs sibling. They get the big items and clothes that we bought, and anything her parents bought for our kids.
But trouble's brewing. They've asked about our travel system. I explained my parents bought that for us before DC1 was born, and that I'd like to hang on to it in case my sibling would like it one day. I thought that explanation would be enough, but since that conversation, twice we've been told about how expensive travel systems are, and MIL has also asked about us giving DHs sibling ours.
The other thing is, my parents adore our kids. They're very hands-on grandparents, and my kids have a fabulous relationship with them. My parents are very fortunate to be able to buy them lovely clothes, and my Mum has bought them fabulous things over the years that DH and I are really appreciative of.
My ILs have been less-so like this. They used to buy clothes for our kids, but in the past few years,rarely do. They have other grandkids that they do buy for, just not ours.
Since finding out about the baby, ILs have been talking about the lovely clothes that our kids have, and how they'll be passed on to the baby. But they won't. My Mum bought them, for my kids, and if any other child is going to wear them, then it should be another of her grandchildren. They're even talking about getting the clothes my Mum knitted for my kids, which seems really grabby to me, as they are really special to me.
Is what I was planning unreasonable?
Not at all unreasonable. But you're right; they will kick off about it. Some people are just like that
Yanbu seems a fair plan.
I guess the only place you possibly slipped up was not making it clear from the first offer that that was how you would be doing it, but even then they should be happy with anything for free and certainly not expect things.
And if they do kick off about it then simply say "well that is fine then, I am sure I can find other people who will be greatful for what is on offer, please don't feel obliged to take anything"
What I did think, though, was that if your mum bought you a travel system...wouldn't she do the same for your sibling?
Not saying you should have to give it to your ils, just wondering if you are keeping it needlessly.
Personally we avoided this by, packing all clothes up and sending them to mums. She offered to store it. Then passed it on to dbro. I kept anything sentimental.
All you kind do is stick to your guns. Your dh should be supporting the decision you both made.
No, I think what you've planned is extremely reasonable! If it were me they'd be in danger of losing the offer altogether. Next time they mention how expensive travel systems are, can you agree and say how fortunate it is, then, that they'll have money left over as they wont have bought a cot/Moses basket/playmat/insert appropriate items??
As for wanting clothes your mum made....
When my dd was born, my cousin lent me loads of equipment. Ds had just arrived but so have cousin's brother's dts. Naturally and understandably all the equipment has gone to them this time. It's just how things are!
YANBU, but hasn't that stuff which they lent you already gone back to your parents to be stored for the next GC ?
I think you should just avoid discussing this with your inlaws at all. It's not their business.
Tell your dhs siblings what you can give them and them give it to them.
End of conversation. Ignore any hints with a smile and turn the conversation.
You are not obliged to give anything away anyway so by doing do you are doing them a favour.
Don't be tempted to lump your dhs sibling with the parents as I am sure they are grateful.
They sound a bit grabby. I have been fortunate enough to have received £000's of hand me down clothes from cousins for my DC, but I know I didn't get given everything, some went to friends. I'm really grateful for what I have received.
We have completed our family and as soon as clothes are outgrown I pass them on either to smaller friends or the charity shop, all outr baby equipment has gone, except the buggy that I use for picnics on days out!
My sister married in September and is hoping to start a family, she asked to have any baby stuff we have left, which I would happily have given, but no longer have.
Perhaps just keep repeating your plan for the travel system.
You could also point out how reasonably priced some travel systems are, not everything needs a brand name
That seems perfectly fair to me. I did the same with a crib my mum bought for us, we held it back for my sister.
Before you get into a big fight about it, I'd be tempted to run it past your parents/sibling as they may well be intending to buy a new travel system for each family, or your sibling may prefer the idea of a new one for their PFB. No point upsetting the in laws defending something that's not needed by your family.
I agree with Abide, not sure why your in laws have been party to this conversation at all, or why you think there needs to be 'trouble brewing' over any of this. I think you are over-thinking it.
You told them you'd sort through your stuff to let them know what they could have.
They said they'd have everything that was on offer.
Certain things, including the travel system are not on offer.
Simple. You don't need to tie yourself in knots explaining to all and sundry what you are offering to whom and why.
If pil have other grandkids, what are those patents contributing to your DH's sibling?
Fucking hell these sort of threads just drive me wild. Why are some people so bloody entitled and rude? Just do what you want to do and say no to everything else. If they get the hump then let them sulk.
If they want a family member to have all the best stuff they should put their hand in their pocket and help find that. Not use you as a charity shop. I am eternally grateful I am not related to anyone like this.
My sister lent me loads of stuff, I returned it to her and she has since sold some and let me keep some for number 2. We have bought everything else either new or second have from eBay. This is what normal people do. They thank people for beig generous and then find the rest if the stuff they need themselves
You are not being unreasonable but looking at it slightly differently when and if your sibling has a child will your parents not do the same for them that they have for you ie buy a travel system . If you have 3 children your system must be getting on and new stuff comes out all the time .
A lot of people have very generously given us their baby things, and a lot of them have kept some of their stuff back, either because they might use it or they might want to give it to someone else. It's their stuff! They can give it to whomever they like! We have no claims on someone else's property, especially when they're already giving us a load of stuff!
Grabby and entitled. Give them what you want (nothing would be my inclination now) and don't cave to the whinging.
I think the confusion has come from initially telling them you will pass your things on, and then coming up with the division of stuff afterwards.
Just say 'oh we've already promised that to my sister' if they mention the travel system, and you can say that you had already agreed with your mum that all of the things she bought would be passed on to your family. Just explain that there is still plenty you WILL be passing in to them so you will be saving them lots.
Hmmm mm, yes it's probably reasonable but in my large family people just pass to the next person due on either side. About 4 of us have had babies in the last 3 yrs and nobody has missed out on bucket loads of clothes, cribs etc. It just wasn't a problem that one person had one thing when another wanted or needed it. I think the travel system us different as it would be used for tears but I think it's a bit mean not to pass on the clothes Inc nice ones. Clothes are not so expensive to replace and your sibling will likely get loads of nice new stuff from your parents too.
Don't be too regimented about it all. Just be happy to see stuff getting well used by someone.
Personally I think you sound a bit tight. You should have worded the initial offer differently - or just asked if they wanted certain bits as opposed to a blanket suggestion of clothes and equipment. Surely your parents will be giving your sister baby clothes too. It sounds as if you're already creating a two tier family relationship - yours at the top, your husbands second.
They might be grabby but I don't think you're covering yourself in glory. Tbh I think its a bit strange to be saving the best clothes and equipment for someone that isn't pregnant.
Completely disagree with wiggles. She's not "saving the best" stuff, she's saving the stuff that was bought by HER parents for HER sibling, which she's entitled to do. It just happens to be better quality as her parents can afford it.
We were lucky even to be given a lot of baby stuff from friends and family for cheap or free. I would never have asked or insisted on being given anything - it was a kind gesture by several people and not one that I was entitled to just because I'm having a baby.
I wouldn't even dream of insisting on having something I hadn't even bought for the "family" in the first place - it would be up the OP and her DH what they wanted to do with it.
I said I'd put together a list of what they were welcome to have, and to let me know whatever they wanted off of that.
This is the key point here. OP has already made it clear what the criteria is - if it's on the list, they can have it. Stick to this, OP.
YANBU but my God they are and they're so grabby.What is wrong with them!
Please stick to your guns,we lost my Mum last year and we still have all the blankets my Mum made for our 5 children and our oldest is 19,honestly it's bought so much comfort to our children it really has.They've all said they want to pass them onto they're own children when they become parents
With the travel systems honestly you can buy them second hand for £10 online that are still in good condition.
I think you've been extremly generous already with what you've offered to give them.
I would be very clear about the fact that you intend all gifts from YOUR parents to go to your sibling when/if they choose to have a child - you could always say that this is respecting your 'parents wishes'.
It's just plain rude to be divvying up your stuff in their mind, stuff which they didn't even contribute towards.
I understand that babies are expensive, but this is ridiculous.
I would communicate solely with your SIL about this, your ILs don't need to be involved.
wiggles, why is OP obliged to give any of her stuff to anyone? And why, instead of being grateful for all they're getting for free, are they being reasonable in demanding more?
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