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Is it me or DH who is unreasonable over best friend.....

(143 Posts)
woolythoughts Tue 03-Nov-15 16:11:18

This is long – and I’m not sure what info to include (so as not to be accused of drip feeding) or not (so as not to be accused of stealth boasting) so I’ve just put the basic facts. I know I’m going to get flamed for this.

I have a really close friend who I’ve known 15 years who predates my DH by at least 10 years. Over the years typically she has earned a lot less than me ( by about a factor of 8) and when her ex left her she ended up in an IVA – so financially she’s not rolling in it and never will be. She does make some stupid choices what to spend her spare money on (that he doesn’t agree with) e.g. she drinks far too much but to give her credit, it cheap plonk she’s happy with.

She never ever ever asks for anything but most of us have got used to doing nice things for her. Example, she’s going to a concert this weekend with another friend of ours and the other friend has paid for her ticket as there is no way she could afford it herself. When she comes to stay with me, I buy her train ticket (I live several hundred miles away) as otherwise she couldn’t afford it. However, if I’m working in London or near the south east, I can crash at her place (I have the keys) as often as I want and I’ve often stayed at her place when she’s been away on holiday etc. It pisses my DH off that I buy take away if she’s there when I stay and that she never offers to cook for me.

So, the current bone of contention. I’ve always given her my cast of IT equipment. I’m a bit of a gadget freak and often upgrade just because I can.

Earlier this year, I realized I didn’t use my ipod touch as all my music was on my phone – so I gave it to her and she uses it every day.

I have a laptop that had been sitting unused for nearly two years (was top of the range mac book pro about four years ago so still more than useful) so when her’s died I said she could have a loan of mine on the understanding that should I ever need it back for work (I’m freelance IT consultant) I could. I seriously doubt I ever would need it and if it were just up to me I’d give it to her but it was a “loan” to appease DH. He’s now belly aching that I could sell it for £350 on ebay or to a neighbor of my mother’s whose just broken his. I’d rather she use it than sell it for £350. We don’t need the money.

So, I’m now selling my ipad air as I’m upgrading mine to the ipad pro next week. With it is a keyboard I paid £100 for but to be honest, I doubt I’d get much second hand. She recently got given an ipad air for her birthday by her mother so when I sell mine to one of those buy your mobile companies, I’m going to give her the keyboard that I used. DH is adamant I should either charge her for it or let it sit on the shelf rather than she have it. I gave her my original iPad 1 – the very original that came out in 2010 back in 2012 and she used it until it gave up the ghost this year. What I’m trying to say with that is, she doesn’t just take things for granted and is genuinely appreciateive.

I think DH is just being spiteful he thinks she’s a freeloading twunt. I love my DH but he is the kind who would try to sell sand to Arab’s and charge them double the market price if he could get away with it.

Who is being unreasonable?

ImperialBlether Tue 03-Nov-15 16:14:48

I've no idea but I would REALLY like to be your friend!

TurnOffTheTv Tue 03-Nov-15 16:16:10

He rather it sit on a shelf? What a spiteful bugger! Do they get on? Why does he begrudge her having this stuff if it's lying around? It's not like she's coming to you cap in hand.

BertrandRussell Tue 03-Nov-15 16:16:15

You can do what you want with your stuff- he does what he wants with his. End of story really- unless there is more to it.

Enjolrass Tue 03-Nov-15 16:16:39

Neither are bu.

T h she sounds like a bit of a free loader. She never needs to provide for herself as all her friends do.

I can see why it grates on your dh.

I can see why you want to help her out. But at what point will she start paying her own way?

Did someone pay for her holiday? Or did she manage that with the IVA?

JustHavinABreak Tue 03-Nov-15 16:16:49

There's give and take in friendships, and it doesn't all have to be financial. You can pass on IT stuff to her, she can give you a bed when you need it. It doesn't sound like she takes you for granted or take the piss so in this case I think your DH ibu. In fact he sounds just a little jealous of the relationship but maybe I am reading too much into things on that score.

shutupanddance Tue 03-Nov-15 16:18:12

Ahhh you are lovelyflowers it does sound as if dh is mean.

woolythoughts Tue 03-Nov-15 16:19:36

He begrudges it because, he's the sort of person who would sell a bundle of rags for £100 if he thought he could. Even if he didnt need the £100.

MaxPepsi Tue 03-Nov-15 16:20:52

If you don't feel like you are being used and you don't need the money then let her have the stuff.

Chippednailvarnish Tue 03-Nov-15 16:21:36

Do you and your DH have joint finances? If not, tell him to bugger off and mind his own business.

Costacoffeeplease Tue 03-Nov-15 16:22:11

He sounds charming (not)

It's your stuff so you can do what you want with it - give it to her, dump it in the nearest river - nowt to do with him

JustHavinABreak Tue 03-Nov-15 16:22:11

I wonder why he does that? Did he grow up without money and now fears being without it again? Though I would have hoped that that would make him more aware that some people need a hand in life.

ifyoulikepinacolada Tue 03-Nov-15 16:22:28

Your DH is being unreasonable! If you're buying stuff for her with money that could have been spent on household stuff/holidays with him/something you'd both been saving for, i could understand it - but it's your things, paid for with your money, and it's your business! Does he want your 'cast offs'? And is she a good friend to you? He sounds a bit spiteful tbh.

woolythoughts Tue 03-Nov-15 16:22:36

her parents live in Gibralter so the "holiday" was her annual three week visit to Gib to see them. Her parents paid for the ticket.

To give you an idea - she earns about 26K a year and lives in a two bedroom flat in London which she can only afford because the land lord likes her and hasnt put her rent up for 10 years. She's lived there for over 20 years - neither of us are spring chickens in that i'm pushing 40 and she's pushing 45.

Rivercam Tue 03-Nov-15 16:22:41

I think it depends on her attitude. If she expects your old stuff, or hints that her stuff needs replacing, then I think she is unreasonable. Also, if the friendship,is one sided. Ie. You (and your friends), do all the giving, and she does the taking.

However, if she reciprocates in other way, then that's more balanced and fair.

I must admit, I think I would expect her to cook for me if, was visiting. Cooking for one guest doesn't't cost much.

OurBlanche Tue 03-Nov-15 16:22:47

Honestly? Neither of you is BU.

You have a friend you treat like a little sister.

He has a wife who passes her toys on to a non family member.

You don't mind.

He may wonder just how much of your life you will give away to her. How much of your joint possessions she will be given. Yes *joint possessions*:

You are married, gong by the DH, and what you are effectively doing is giving away your joint assets to a stranger. He may be upset at his earnings being given away, as your generosity is costing your familial partnership. His being more careful with money than you doesn't make him spiteful, just more protective of you than your friend!

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Tue 03-Nov-15 16:22:51

I can see both sides, and she does sound like a bit of a freeloader tbh.

Some people are very good at never actually asking outright for anything but dropping subtle hints or openly banging on about how skint they are.

She can afford to go on holiday but you and your mates have "got used to" funding her social life and giving her free stuff, very nice for her.

whois Tue 03-Nov-15 16:24:02

I really don't see the problem with giving your friend your cast of IT equipment as long as you are happy about it.

That is a bit of a mean streak to think you should leave it on the shelf gathering dusk rather than give it to a good home (even if oyu could get a few £ for it).

Buttercup27 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:24:08

It sounds like a very good friendship, where each person contributes but in their own way. She could never afford those gadgets but as they would be doing nothing at you're house I think you're being very kind. Equally you staying at hers when ever you need to must make life so much easier. It's swings and roundabouts. Tell dh to puss off you can do what you like with your stuff .

bearleftmonkeyright Tue 03-Nov-15 16:24:35

Its not really his decision. Its your stuff and you can do what you like with it. It might be different if you needed the money or your kids were missing out but that doesn't appear to be the case here, so ignore him. It has no impact on him and it is entirely up to you. But I will not say he is being unreasonable. I can kind of see his point.

Buttercup27 Tue 03-Nov-15 16:24:38

Opps piss off bloody auto correct

AimlesslyPurposeful Tue 03-Nov-15 16:25:07

Your DH is being unreasonable.

These are your belongings you're giving to a friend. Neither of you are suffering financially because of your generosity. They are not hugely high value items, like a car for example, so I can't understand why he is objecting.

She is a good friend who clearly has had some bumps in the road and it's lovely that you are able to help her in this way. You should not be made to feel you have to fib and say that you have loaned her your things.

If you were giving her expensive items that you haven't used then I could see his point but you have had your moneys worth out of these things.

woolythoughts Tue 03-Nov-15 16:25:23

Yes, he's been poor in the past, especially after he divorced his ex. Do we have joint finances? Yes in practicality but not in name. I earn over twice what he does and, he's a higher rate tax payer. Not boasting but just saying we really don't need the relatively low amounts I'd get selling them on ebay.

macdat Tue 03-Nov-15 16:25:31

Friendships where people just give to each other without expecting anything in return are very rare. When he sees you guys being like this, he probably isn't used to it since you don't see it often, and he might just take it the wrong way, a lot of people do. You sound like a nice person, and it doesn't sound like she is taking advantage of you. It's just how your friendship is and I think he should accept that.

Enjolrass Tue 03-Nov-15 16:26:34

Tbh I wouldn't be impressed if dh had a mate that was in debt, made bad financial decisions, had her holidays and social life paid for by her friends and parents and dh was giving him a steady stream of tech.

At some point she has to stand up and support herself. Not sure she will ever do that while you are all supplementing her.

However if she is a good friends I can see why you feel the need to help her.

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