To dislike my children(73 Posts)
I feel like I'm at the end of my tether at the moment and I don't know what to do.
I used to think I was a nice person until I had children, now I think I'm an awful person. I'm utterly fed up. Some days I feel sick to the stomach and my chest feels all tight- because of how they behave. How awful is it to feel like that about my own children?!
I have DTs (almost 2.5 yo) and I'm finding them so hard to handle. They won't do anything I say. Everything is a battle, from the school run to putting a nappy on. They wail nearly all day long- well it feels like it because when one isn't wailing the other is.
The school run is hell (I have a 4 yo too- who is a doodle compared to them and he has his moments). We are the family that everyone stares at. They refuse to walk, scream at me etc. I'd take them in the pushchair but I physically can't get them and when I've finally managed to get them in they just scream and eventually climb out (they are strapped in as tight as I can!). I've tried bribing them, but they're not interested. They are so stubborn.
I get a break from them when they nap, but getting them to nap is a struggle. But I find if they don't nap they're so naughty by late afternoon. They hit, throw toys etc.
We go to playgroups and music classes but thats only a couple of hours of a day and I still have to fill all the other hours. E.g I can't take them to the supermarket. I can't get them in the trolley and if they walk they just run off. I can't go to town. I can't go to the library as they mess up the books. They misbehave & never listen. Although if we stay at home they just don't really play with toys. They just go round messing up the house, pouring toys on the floor messing up beds etc. i feel like I have nowhere to go!
I feel like I've lost control and I like to feel in control so it's an awful place to be. I think I'm consistent with rules etc.
I'm just fed up with feeling like this about them. I just want to feel content with family life.
I'm worried I'm going to end up resenting them and we'll never have a good relationship.
I'm posting this to get it off my chest really but I also welcome any advice.
Are you in touch with TAMBA? Have you seen your HV? They may be able to give you some techniques or respite. I think we all have times where we dislike they way our kids act, twins is just double the intensity. Are you feeling depressed or is it just their behaviour getting you down? you arent alone
Aw bless you you have 2 yr old twins!! and a four year old! I'm not bloody surprised you feel like this. That sounds exhausting and its times two . I truly believe this will get easier when they get a bit older this really is the sharp end of the stick for you. My mum loathed my brother when he was that age. He was just naughty hard work etc. Now (and from a long time ago) they have a great relationship and she loves him to bits. You can love your kids but not like them very much at times and that is totally fine!!
Really don't think you will resent them long term but I thibnk its reasonable to resent how difficult it feels at the moment. I think the feeling of losing control is probably perception rather than reality. It might be that actually there is only certain amount you can control with twins of this age as in safety, clean, fed. But mess and behaviour are bound to feel all over the show at this satge of development. Be kind to yourself!!
If you feel you are starting not to cope then obviously flag that up to family etc and get a suppoirt network round you to give you a break.
Do you get a night off occassionally? Any chance of you time?
I very much doubt you dislike your children, but you probably DO dislike having two 2.5yos at the same time.
I know, I was there quite recently!
If you have one DT on their own, or one DT and your 4yo, you can enjoy parenting, right? That's the difference. Twins at this age is brutal, but ride it out, it gets better, I promise.
Things that worked for me:
• Lots and lots of time outside, or some classes/groups (not all, playgroups never worked for us as they only ever had one of each type of toy and it was just breaking up fights the whole time. Music/gym etc was good)
• Soft play. It's really hard for them to significantly hurt themselves, so you can chill out a bit.
•Divide and conquer when you can. Do you have a DP/DH? Split up at the weekend occasionally, one of you take one, one of you take the other. It's HUGE how much differnce it makes, you can actually ENJOY your child.
• Fuck going tot he supermarket. My two used to giggle hysterically for a micro second int he double trolley, then get bored and start pulling each other's hair/ears. We were that family too. I used to go at night when DP got home, or internet shop.
•Childcare and (part time, WFH) work kept me sane. My two are now 4yo and for pretty much the last year I've been wishing I had less work and more time with them. I did not feel the same about the first 3 years.
I don't have twins, but my youngest two are very close together. One thing that worked for me in the supermarket is sitting in a trolley each, and pushing one with each hand. There's a knack to it but its easier than you think and no fighting, especially if you buy two of as much as possible so no-ones trolley is fuller than the others (yep, and they still argue over everything...) By the time I discovered this I was already used to being stared at in public!
I don't know how twin's mums do it, especially with another little one. You are amazing.
One little thing which might help- get a Homestart volunteer. With a bit of luck, you will get a few hours a week with a friendly, non judgemental person who has been through it all and loves little kids. You can just contact your local Homestart group and see if they have someone available in your area.
I'm absolutely sure that you don't dislike your children. It's their behaviour that you dislike. You need to keep that in mind because I'm sure they have delightful moments from time to time to. Try focusing on that and heap on the praise when you see it.
Thank you. Yes I have a DH, he's out the house from 7:30 to 7 and works from home in the evenings so although he's helpful, he can't help with the kids in the week that much.
I'm not in touch with Tamba or my HV. I think it's more of a case that Im just not suited to motherhood.
I don't think I'm depressed, I just don't like the situation I'm in. I really hope it does get better but I don't remember my oldest being like this (or have I blocked it out?!)
I'm looking forward until next year when they'll get a funded nursery place, but then I feel terrible that I'm wishing them to be away...
Do you ever get a break op? Sometimes I find it tortuous and I only have one "spirited" 1.5 year old. I never knew how relentless and all-consuming having a child was. Especially when you are home with them all day, you get no mental space.
Can anyone step in once in a while to give you some alone time? Family, partner or friend? Or could you afford to pay someone? Also agree with pp about time outdoors. I spend lots of time in the park letting dd burn off some energy.
I don't think you're dislike them op but it sounds like you're going through a really hard time.
I had a homestart volunteer when they were little. They were excellent. We don't have home start in our area any more, which is a shame.
Thank you I'm feeling a little better getting it off my chest!
How about a season ticket to soft play and go every day? Lots to do and no mess to clear up. You might be able to have a coffee and also tire them out!
[This too will pass....]
Oh, and the buggy refusal is a phase. A particularly unpleasant one, agreed. I did have to physically hold DS into place
using a gentle knee and use a Houdini clip on his straps to keep him in. It was equally bad in car seats for a while but that stopped quite quickly.
We ditched the buggy shortly after 3yo, but we did have one of these www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/3952203.htm which they loved going in for short trips from home.
Would they go to the supermarket if you fed them as they went round? I used to start them off with a banana each (and yes, I paid for them, I didn't just steal them!), then got to the French bread section and ripped some of that off for them, then to the cheese where they had a Dairylea each and then at the till they would have a biscuit.
They were fast eaters, so I had to move pretty quickly, but it worked for me.
On their website it says that Tamba do a course on parenting and disciplining multiples. Maybe that is worth looking into?
Oh my god reading all that I don't like them either . Only joking, they do sound very 'naughty'.
and , my only advice.
Honestly, it does get better. Not easy, but easier.
Mine had to go in the pushchair - no arguments. If they messed around out of it they went straight back in. Is the pushchair big enough for them?
Don't go to the supermarket / shopping - that way madness lies. That's what the internet is for.
Do you have twins club? Mine was twice a week for two hours and it pretty much saved me to realise that it was all normal and actually, twins are really bloody hard work.
i totally get what you're saying! so much is similar to how i feel! i feel so much love for my youngest but much more "stuck" this time around.
my eldest used the buggy board until they started reception and does still - it was a case of anything just to get us out of the house as dc1 wouldnt walk!
could you buy a buggy board for one twin and put the other in the pushchair?
my dc2 has been a little terror at 20 months ish. squealing, pulling toys from dc1, not giving me an inch to even load the washing machine or empty a bin. sometimes i just have to put dc2 in the cot and let them wail and cry so i can do basic things.
sorry to state the obvious but can you strap them into trolley?
when your partner is home, can you both take turns to put them to bed? does he work from home every night? Dh and i take turns as after 12 hours of childcare, i have nothing left to give energy wise when putting them to bed. On my night off I go to Costa for an hour!
No twins myself but a friend has boy/girl 5yo DTs and almost went insane when they were this age. This is some of what she says helped. Online groceries. Outside as much as possible. Help from whoever you can drag in. Don't bother tidying except as required for safety until they're in bed for the night. Hire a cleaner if you can afford one. Divide and conquer wherever possible. Do you qualify for the early (from 2yo) free nursery hours?
I don't think you're not suited to motherhood, I just think that 2.5 year olds are REALLY hard work. And (not that you aren't more than aware of this) you have two of the buggers!
I have a 2y9m old boy and 6m old girl. Until the baby showed up he was a little angel, my perfect boy, the sun shone out of his lovely little bottom. He still can be lovely, but my God it's been a hard 6 months. Screaming fits, refusing to walk, running away, throwing a hissy if DD is in the pram, throwing a hissy if DD is in the sling. Our two lowest points were both in a shopping centre. One for me, where he had a 10 minute screaming fit on the floor. DD was in the sling so I couldn't pick him up and I (stupidly) didn't have the pram with me. 10 minutes. The second was when DP had him (same shopping centre) while I was trying jeans on. The strop was that bad that THE FUCKING POLICE stopped DP to make sure he wasn't being kidnapped.
I've been told it gets easier. But for now, you have my utmost sympathy
Oh OP. I don't think it's because you're not suited to motherhood. Some people might seem like 'naturals' but no-one is immune to the struggles of bringing up children. You have much more on your plate than most, too, with twins and a husband who works all hours.
My DS2 is about the same age and is often HELL. My DS1 at this age was even worse, I thought it would never end, but at 6 he is (generally!) reasonable, funny and happy and has been for some time. It will get better, you know it will. Unfortunately you just have to endure until then.
Don't feel bad about looking forward to nursery. It's just a sign you need a break desperately. Can your DH not have an hour or two in the evening to help you out? It is so much to have to do on your own. I agree with PP about the divide-and-conquer approach at weekends at the very least.
Hang in there.
That wagon looks great! I'm half tempted to get it for the school run but I know my 4 yo will want to get in it too and that'll cause another fight....
We do have soft play membership and we do go regularly. We do an activity most days. They are good at playgroups and soft play but they're not that independent yet so I do find it tiring.
You see that's why I think I'm not suited to parenting. I think I'm too selfish because some days I just want to do something I want to do, like look round the shops or take it easy at home.
I don't think their pushchair is too small and when Im putting them in (which is an exhausting battle) it is non negotiable, but no matter how tight I do it they can climb out! When they were smaller I used to use the pushchair as a way to make them behave I.e. If they were out of the buggy & misbehaving I used to strap them in. But maybe that's made them hate it!
Thanks for the course recommendation- I'll see if I can get on it.
Oo, you need to get the '3 day nanny' in to help you! I saw an episode several weeks ago where she went into a family who had twins. She explained why they were behaving the way they were and helped mum and dad turn it around. I sometimes think when you have insight into the 'why' it helps with managing it better.
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