AIBU to think that if people actually avoided the sort of people they claim to on MN they wouldn't have any friends or contact with extended family ever?

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

This has been making me recently. I've seen people say they avoid people who really haven't done anything I would ever actually avoid someone over... If I actually paid attention to every tiny thing that is vaguely irritating and cut friends and family out accordingly I wouldn't know anyone!

I also find the language used (and I don't mean swears, which I am partial to) is so strong about minor things on here that it borders on comical. "Your DM said she didn't like your socks? What a vile, selfish, evil cunt! Hope she burns in hell"! Ok slight exaggeration but you know what I mean. Am I the only one who finds this odd?

[Enjolrass]

It depends on what they have done.

It maybe something that doesn't bother you, but we all have our lines.

My sil is a tit, so I avoid her. She hasn't done anything heinous. But she makes life difficult and puts a downer on special occasions. Everytime.

I am not no contact but if I can I avoid her.

[laffymeal]

Yabu, if it matters to you it matters.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

my SIL is a tit

That's more general than saying "I avoid my SIL because she said she didn't like my socks" for example. If you don't like someone you don't like someone. I think maybe sometimes people say "I cut out my DM because she said she didn't like my socks" when actually they mean "I didn't get on with her anyway and this just added to my dislike. I've cut her out because I don't like her".

[Leavingsosoon]

YANBU.

I know what you mean. People on Mumsnet only ever socialise with people who are perfectly PC in every way, absolutely non sexist, ageist, racist and lean acceptably to the left, never pass a judgement on anything except people judging others, and never do anything even mildly irritating.

[MrsItsNoworNotatAll]

Do we share the same sil Enjolrass

I avoid my sil where I can. She hasn't done anything particularly evil she just gets on my last one. And when I'm tired the last thing I need is her making me irritable as well.

I'm sure some people avoid me too which is fine by me.

[Enjolrass]

Yes but if I listed her tit-ish behaviour, some people wouldn't avoid her and just put up with it. It wouldn't annoy them.

But yes when it's over one small incident there is usually a long back ground story

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

laffy I am talking about things I have seen people do a hundred times in RL and no one has cut them out or started avoiding them. I get that AIBU (where I usually hang out on MN) is by nature completely subjective and that's why it's so useful; you get to read other people's views. I just wonder if what people write on here is seriously what they would do in RL. I get that some things matter more to people than others, but how far would a friend or relative in RL have to go before they were cut out or avoided? I reckon a lot further than some people make out on MN.

[MrsItsNoworNotatAll]

I suppose I could have fallen out and gone no contact with mil when she said she didn't like where I'd positioned a nest of tables in our living room.

Instead I just thought oh do shut the fuck up you silly old cunt.

[OurBlanche]

Being one of those who is NC with extended family, I can agree that I often post about the little things, the big things are often too scary.

So I vent a bit when someone posts about a little thing, a daft, funny thing. So, telling about Poisonous SIL turning up the heat under a pan of sprouts, in the hope they would be served soggy, is far easier than telling how she lied, manipulated and generally acted like a playground bully for over a couple of decades. Far easier that explaining why her insecurities and jealousies drove her to treat me like a total pariah - mainly because in explaining it I sound petty.

In short, sometimes family dynamics are just too draining and sometimes a little laugh at some people and their behaviours makes it easier to bear the whole prattishness.

[welliesandleaves]

It depends. In RL if someone was constantly contradicting people, looking to start rows, nit picking over every word someone used to prove them wrong about something, or refusing to ever concede that they'd got hold of the wrong end of the stick, then I would not want to be around them in the same way that I can't stand seeing that behaviour on a thread here and will sometimes note the person's username and steer clear on future thread.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

wellies sorry that's a little off topic. If you mean me, I really think you need to go back and read all my posts. I certainly hope I've never behaved that way. If you don't mean me then I have got the wrong end of the stick!

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

There was a thread a while ago with alot of name calling and unpleasantness towards a member of the OP's family. I found it very nasty and upsetting and called a couple of people out on what I saw as some very OTT comments. No wonder if that's what you mean wellies. If so, you will notice I actually agreed with most people about the OP; it was the nasty name calling I objected to.

Huge apologise if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

*i wonder not no wonder

[StrictlyMumDancing]

Like ourblanche, being one of those NC people isn't always as straightforward as it seems. Going NC is bloody hard. I'm NC with my sister, there was a massively unforgivable incident which taken on its own could have been but its hard to explain years of manipulation and lies and cracked relationships with other family members caused by her without sounding like a paranoid wreck. And no, to be honest, I never really liked my sister - but I like my parents and I know my decision hurt them greatly. However even they have admitted our (parents and mine) relationship is a lot better now. This is because she has no ammo on me and because I'm no longer dealing with supposed incidents that never happened.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

Sorry I got a bit derailed there by wellies' post.

Thanks for your explanations ourblanche and strictly. I can understand why you would post about the 'little' things. I guess my would be if people read an OP about a small incident and then come back posting some strong stuff about the other person without knowing them or the full details. It's the very strong reactions to incidents which, on the face of them, don't seem too terrible which tend to make me . Sorry to hear about your sisters both.

[welliesandleaves]

Sorry OP, I was going by your thread title and thought you were talking about people who avoid certain types of posters on here.

Back to the real subject of your thread, yes I agree with you. Some people seem to be prepared to fall out with close family members over very trivial things indeed. A lot of normal life with extended family members means putting up with a certain amount of stuff and remembering that they, in turn, are probably gritting their teeth over some of your ways of doing things.

Apologies for the confusion

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

No problem at all wellies! AIBU paranoia on my part clearly haha!

[BarbarianMum]

I am far more often horrified astounded by what people will put up with in friendships/relationships on here than I am dismayed by those who think every fault is a hanging one. So, on balance, YABU.

[ImperialBlether]

Me too, BarbarianMum. I hate to think of what some women put up with.

[mintoil]

I agree with Barbarian and Imperial.

I am more surprised by how many people continue to interact with abusive family and "friends" and in particular, abusive partners.

The appallingly fragile self esteem of some posters who accept shitty behaviour and have such low expectations of the people who should be supporting them genuinely makes me weep.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

Agree with the last three comments entirely which is what makes the other threads all the more confusing to me. I read one thread about something trivial where someone has been allegedly injured by a slight from a friend or relative - no back story, just an incident which on the face of it seems trivial. I have seen replies where people who really no nothing about either party hurling insults which to me are totally uncalled for. Meanwhile on another thread there is an OP who genuinely is going through something appalling. The fact that the posters on the former don't see how ridiculous it is to call someone a "vile, selfish cunt" when there is something truly vile on another thread is just beyond me. You would think one would see the latter type of thread and have a bit of perspective. I get that for some things are more important for different people, but objectively there is a difference between being abused or mistreated by a partner or someone else and being annoyed because someone doesn't want to do the same thing as you for Xmas or something. I enjoy both sorts of thread and take them both seriously but I don't enjoy when people respond to a more trivial thread with nastiness where it just isn't necessary; just because one party isn't on the thread it doesn't mean people can call them horrible names and get in a spitting rage at them over something quite minor imho.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

Christ look at the typos! Sorry - hope you get what I mean.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

Also "enjoy" might be the wrong word. Hope you get what I mean again.

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

Thing is, everyone can a twat sometimes.

I know I can. I have done some twattish things when pre-menstrual, pissed, or just in a bit of a weird frame of mind. I'm pleased that none of my friends or family have cut me off over it. Just in the same way that I haven't cut them off, when they're twats.

In summary, we're all (potentially) twats. But sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that simple fact on mn.

[ShamelessBreadAddict]

Thanks littlefluffy I think that's what I'm trying to say put a lot more clearly and concisely than I did