I don't think I've done too much wrong(47 Posts)
This may be a long one but it's necessary so as not to drip feed.
Married 3.5 years, together for 6, 2 DCs ages 2 and 5. After the birth of my first there were many complications which has resulted in our sex life never going back to the way it was before. Think lots of pain and abdominal swelling. It has got progressively worse and now endometriosis has been thrown into the mix. Honestly, if it were totally up to me I would never bother with sex again as usually we have to stop anyway due to my pain ( although o rare occasions we end up having random pain free sex which is great).
Anyway, the point is that we haven't had sex in a good few weeks due to my period, me working long hours and crashing out when I get home etc plus I do try to put it off because of the possible pain. I am affectionate in other ways as much as I can but its affecting my marriage and my husband is very resentful of me, I can tell.
If you're still here well done! So last night I crash out on the sofa after a long weekend of working 13hrs both days and am woken up briefly by him when he's going to bed. He is rude and swearing about how he was expecting us to get close tonight but obv not now. He storms upstairs and I drift back to sleep. Then I'm woken up at what I think was 12am by him bringing our 5 year old into the living room as she has woken him up and is sick. Because he is in a pissy mood and he's tired I get left to look after "my fucking child" because he has work. (I do too but that doesn't matter right because I only work part time so it doesn't count). I have been up all night with a vomiting child who would only sleep for a short while in our bed between vom episodes and all my husband has done this morning is point out how tired he will be at work, how all I care about is the children and not him and that I am basically a shit mother. Am I missing something?
YANBU ltb. Someone may come along with better advice.
He's being a dick. Sounds to me like you both need some sleep then need to talk.
Yes, you are missing something - your DH is an inconsiderate, selfish, vile pig.
Does he understand that endo pain is real and you're not making it up to get out of sex? Is he prepared to try different positions to find one that doesn't hurt? If not, could your Gp or gynae have a word with him?
If that fails, try stabbing him in the nuts every time he gets an erection, so he can see how it feels to be in pain when you 'get close'
He has been quite open to trying new positions etc and is generally quite supportive but when he has been 'deprived' for a while he seems to go into this weird caveman mode.
'Your fucking child'
'All you care about is the kids, not him'
I'm sorry, but it's not you with the problem here. He needs to grow the fuck up and realise that it's not all about him. So what if your sex life isn't what it used to be? That happens in most relationships. It's no excuse to turn into a nasty arse!
I think he's feeling hurt and rejected but he was totally, totally unreasonable, especially about what he said regarding your poor daughter (presumably in front of her). I'd be very angry about that.
All you have missed is that you are with someone who struggles to communicate his feelings in an appropriate manner.
Some men equate sexual intimacy to love, if it falls by the wayside it can feel to them like a rejection. Have you had a conversation about his feelings around the subject at all? Clearly he is bottling up and it is spilling over in this dickish behaviour. It is really difficult to appreciate the complications of an illness that you cant see unless someone fully explains all the implications. Perhaps you could sit down and discuss exactly how your Endometriosis is affecting both of you?
My DH used to be married to someone who used sex as a means of control in the relationship
she even forced him to have a vasectomy then handed him divorce papers so he has a real hangup about sex. I have Fibromyalgia and back problems, intimacy can be a real challenge. He completely freaked when it first became a problem for us, but we discussed how it was from both sides and have worked out some coping methods.
Could you make some time to be sexually intimate without penetration? Intimacy is so important in a relationship but it is amazing how many
men feel that intimacy is impossible without sticking their penis in something.
Thanks Asteria. We have numerous discussions about it all and he promises to be more understanding best then time goes by and he starts to get resentful again. We do things other than penetration yes, probably not as often as he would like though but he is not totally deprived of sexual intimacy. I think it boils down to the fact that my libido has changed significantly and his hasn't. I cannot force myself to do things when I don't feel up to it and he doesn't expect me too but still the resentment builds up. Seems as though we're stuck
He's being an idiot, but is obviously feeling hurt and frustrated.
What seems to be missing in this is what you are doing about your medical condition - you don't mention this.
Can you get some medication or a D&C to help with the endometriosis?
You need to get to a doctor and get this sorted - for all your sakes, it must be awful for you
I am currently going through the process of sorting it but it's long winded. I spent the first 3 years being told by doctors that it was all in my head and that I was obviously traumatised my such an awful birth. I was referred to sexual counsellor which of course was no help whatsoever as the pain was real. It's taken almost 5 years to get to a pint where I am now being believed and have had to start from the beginning again with blood tests/ swabs etc. all of which are showing up clear of infection of course but its protocol. I have a scan at the end of the month nd if this shows nothing then I'll be booked in with the gynae. Just a very long winded process
Excuse my atrocious spelling mistakes! I've been up all night
He's a selfish twat!
I second twisting his balls next time he wants to be 'close' see how he likes associating pain with sex!
I also have endo have you been in touch with the endo society? There were a couple of threads running here recently about it and what a nightmare it is getting diagnosis and treatment.
I think he's being vile.
I can't bear people stropping and sulking because they're not getting sex.
Sorry, no helpful advice really but have some .
A D&C isn't going to help with tissue that's relocated itself out of the uterus. Treatment isn't always easy or straightforward, which is why OP is going to need lots of time and support to get through it.
It's great that posters are trying to see it from the husband's point of view, but in the end what I'm seeing is a man who is failing to support his sick wife, and dishing out abuse.
Would he still be resentful over the lack of sex if your diagnosis was cancer instead of endometriosis?
Personally, I couldn't see a lasting relationship with someone who referred to my daughter as "your fucking child", or called me a shit mother, especially whilst dealing with a chronic illness. Why stay with him?
He sounds truly vile and I am struggling to see his good points.
(You might also like to point out that he is contradicting himself - you can't be a shit mother if all you care about is the kids. If he must be a nasty, selfish prick, he should at least be consistent)
I suppose the reason I stay with him
Is that I know that behind these stupid outbursts, he is still the sweet, sensitive and caring man that I first fell for and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. He is a great dad who puts so much into his children. baking with them, taking them to the park and reading with them etc. The 'your fucking child' comment seems so much more shocking as it's just not something I would ever have expected him to say.
His language and behavior, especially in front of you child, was vile.
That said, he is clearly feeling hurt by the lack of intimacy and instead of addressing that it sounds like he has bottled it up and let it explode.
One thing that came to mind though, the child that was ill, is this the child born when all the issues started? Does he subconciously blame the child for how things have turned out?
Did your DH ever receive any kind of counselling?
I don't want to excuse your husbands behaviour, but I've been where he is. He won't be enjoying this trust me. From what you're saying his behaviour isn't acceptable, but I remember myself thinking an knowing I was being unreasonable - I just honestly couldn't help it.
Things improved eventually, but it took a fair amount of effort to break the deadlock
and me moving out for a week!
baking with them, taking them to the park and reading with them etc.
Well, to be honest, that's just the kind of thing parents do; he doesn't deserve special mention for it.
It wasn't really a special mention OnlyLovers more just explaining that it is not his default setting and was very unlike him in regards to his children
"your fucking child" is shocking, like it's nothing to do with him?
Sounds awful, sorry. and all this because of a lack of sex?!
I hope your DC is better this morning.
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