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Screaming row because DH made my dinner... AIBU?

(158 Posts)
UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:12:06

I was out all day on a course. The course info was misleading so I told DH that I'd either finish at 5pm or 8pm but wasn't sure. I also told DH where it was, and he was fully aware that it was a 2.5 hour drive away.

So, I found out when I got there that the course wouldn't be ending until 8pm, but I didn't text DH. Fair cop, that was my fault. I forgot. We're both used to working away and it just slipped my mind. We have no DCs and we just get on with it.

DH texted me at 7:30, but I was away from my phone (he knew that the course I was on would mean some time doing a physical activity so there would be no phones). I replied at 8:10 saying I'd just finished and would be leaving soon.

At 9pm, he texted to ask how far away I was. I replied at 9:20 to say I had stopped at a service station and was having food there. I was with colleagues and wasn't driving, so I wasn't in control of where we stopped and for how long.

He replied "I'll put your dinner in the bin then". I sent lots of replies, but he never responded. Then when I got home we had a blazing row. He said I should have told him I was planning on 'going out for dinner'. I told him that stopping en route at a service station, and realising that everyone else was going to eat so I'd better eat a takeaway burger was NOT in any way pre meditated 'going out for dinner'.

So I think there are two faults here:

1. I was unreasonable not to tell him sooner that I would be finishing at 8. I should have told him when I found out, but I didn't.

2. When he found out I'd finished at 8:10, he was totally unreasonable to then assume I'd be home in less than an hour (he knew where I was, but he said he 'forgot' and conjured up a different location in his brain), make my dinner, then get in a huff when I wasn't there to eat it. Then get in a further huff that I'd 'gone out for dinner' when I'd eaten at a service station.

AIBU to totally lose my rag with him because I've had a long hard day, was looking forward to telling him all about it, but instead got a passive aggressive reaction to eating at Burger King?

Clobbered Tue 03-Nov-15 00:15:49

I think he tried to do something nice for you and you blew it, actually. An apology is definitely in order.

wickedlazy Tue 03-Nov-15 00:16:40

I would have been annoyed at him too. Seems like he mentioned putting dinner in the bin just to make you feel bad. To make you feel bad for a pit stop you had no control over, and for forgetting to text that you would be a bit later than expected.

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:19:47

I agree with you both!

I know he tried to do something nice for me, and I have thanked him and apologized for that. But I also think he tried to make me feel bad for something that, by that point, was actually his fault - his making my dinner 50 minutes after I said I'd finished when he knew full well I wouldn't be home until at least 10:30pm, and then trying to make me feel bad about that.

wickedlazy Tue 03-Nov-15 00:20:19

I think what he did was worse. Op genuinely forgot, what her dp did was done with malicious intent. Plus she told him it could possibly finish at 8. She got back to him 8.10, so not exactly hours later (he knew how long the drive back was, and knew she was getting a lift). If you suck it up and apologise first, will he also apologise?

wickedlazy Tue 03-Nov-15 00:21:38

How did he take your apology?

lottiegarbanzo Tue 03-Nov-15 00:22:02

Why on earth did he assume you'd be home for dinner? You'd said 5 or 8, he needed to check, not assume 5 surely.

Nice of him to cook but something that could have gone in the fridge for tomorrow, if you weren't back, would have been a good idea.

Epilepsyhelp Tue 03-Nov-15 00:23:20

He was definitely sulking, yanbu!

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:23:53

He then ignored all of my subsequent texts asking him to please not put my dinner in the bin and giving him updates on my travel progress.

He didn't put my dinner in the bin, he just said that to make me feel bad

I did scream at him rather a lot though, but I'm tired and pre menstrual and turn into a crazy witch.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions Tue 03-Nov-15 00:24:59

How would you feel if you'd cooked dinner and he turned up home at the later expected time, (and I phase it like that because even though you didn't tell him early enough it was an 8 finish he always knew it was a posiablity) having eaten?

Yes you had no control over it but I think at 8 when you finished you could have actually called him and said I'm getting a lift home we might stop for dinner thanks for cooking dinner I'll have it tomorrow.

Yes people say the dinners in the bin/in the dog to make the other person feel bad but it's frustration when you've done something nice for someone!

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:25:59

Oh I love you lot, I thought you'd all say I was a nasty bitch for being ungrateful!

I admit, I was a screaming banshee though.

He took my apology fine, we never really argue and usually laugh it off. He's gone to bed now, I just need to simmer down with a cup of tea before I go.

And yes, he knew there was a good chance I wouldn't be finishing until 8. And I said to him that if I'd told him at the beginning of the day that I wasn't finishing at 8, then he still would have made the same mistake and assumed I was only an hour away and would be home at 9, and that really wasn't my fault at all!

JakeyBurd Tue 03-Nov-15 00:27:10

My EX would have behaved exactly the same way, OP. (one of many reasons he is EX!) Of course, had it been the other way round and you'd made dinner, you'd probably still be the unreasonable one - I know I would have.

If you're in the mood for a fight then tell him he shouldn't have made you dinner. If not, then just let it go, but keep it handy next time you need to cast something up. smile

chumbler Tue 03-Nov-15 00:27:35

Agree with clobbered and naught. Not very nice of you

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:27:48

How would you feel if you'd cooked dinner and he turned up home at the later expected time

He didn't start cooking dinner until after I'd texted, after 8. It wasn't until then that he decided to make dinner for 9 (we usually eat late), because he'd decided that I would be home in less than an hour even though he knew it would be more like 2.5

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:30:48

He's actually lovely and not passive aggressive at all. But he was being petty I think and punishing me for my lack of communication and just for generally being out at work.

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:32:49

Usually if I'm out late, he'll ask me whether to keep some dinner for me (and vice versa I might add - I make dinner about 99% of the time).

He didn't ask, so it never occurred to me that knowing at that point that I was leaving after 8, and knowing (or he should have known) that I wouldn't be home until 10:30 that he was even contemplating making me dinner.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 03-Nov-15 00:39:48

Yes 10.30 is too late, even for people who eat late.

If I'd cooked, with a misconception about how far away DP was, I'd feel a silly billy, eat mine and put his away in the fridge. I would not get angry with him for my silly mistake. I would hope he'd eaten something before half ten.

Fatmomma99 Tue 03-Nov-15 00:46:32

Burger Kind - eurrrgh!

[flower] for that alone!

38cody Tue 03-Nov-15 00:46:51

I you weren't home by 7 then he must have known it was 8 that you finished, okay you could have texted but there could be lots of reasons why you couldn't. why didn't he just put the meal in the fridge? He had to cook for himself anyway so an extra portion is not a big deal - sounds as though you're both just tired. I hope he's not a sulker like mine - could drag on for days!

In our household it would be DH being vague about time getting home, and me cooking. I'm far too lazy to cook unless cooking for someone else so do feel slightly miffed at cooking unneccessarily, but would just bung it in fridge. No sulking, no rowing. Probably too lazy for those too smile

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:51:04

Yeah the choice was either Burger King or KFC. And I'm vegetarian confused

The reason I couldn't text was i was in a swimming pool for 3 hours, which he knew (although claims he didn't. But he did). So could have texted before I went in, but you know how it is when you're on a course and things move so fast and you're rushing around... I just forgot.

And yes, he would have known that I'd text when on my way home, so he would have known when he hadn't heard by 7 that I was probably still at it.

He tried to blame my workmates for me not knowing what time we'd finish. It had absolutely nothing to do with them - I myself could have called the course provider on Friday to clarify the end time, but I just didn't think it was that important. I asked him whether he was suggesting I clear work end times with him 3 days in advance from now on.... <pedantic>

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich Tue 03-Nov-15 00:51:27

6 of one and half a dozen of the other in terms of you getting back. Yes you should have told him but you own that.

He decided to cook dinner knowing (or having been told and forgot) that he was cooking it a good hour and a half earlier than you would be back. He needs to own that.

Him chucking a strop and you screaming like a banshee? Still 50/50. You need to keep him updated and he needs to listen when you tell him exactly how far away from home you are.

It comes down to being one of those stupid rows where everyone is wrong but no one wants to admit it. I would suggest a "We were both dicks last night werent we? I am sorry" and wait for him to apologise too.

flustercuck Tue 03-Nov-15 00:54:13

Now you've probably got nasty BK burps as well as a sulky DH.

FWIW I think he's the unreasonable one.

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:55:42

Yeah it's totally one of those where everyone is wrong!

He just laughs at me when I scream, because he knows I don't mean it. We never really argue.

I've spent all day as the only woman in a group of 19 men, I was injured and felt vulnerable and weak... and I'm knackered and I just wanted to tell him all about it and have a cuddle sad

UnGoogleable Tue 03-Nov-15 00:58:20

Now you've probably got nasty BK burps as well as a sulky DH

<Whispers> I actually really enjoyed my BK.. they do a great Bean Burger!

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