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I'm not sure if I should have his baby

(27 Posts)
Doodlepip1 Mon 02-Nov-15 16:25:13

So I'm new to mumsnet buy have been lurking for a few months and I've seen you guys give some useful advice

I'm looking for an outside perspective. I'm 32 been with my partner 9 years we met at uni both studied quite a demanding course and currently I'm working in that profession.

Relationship has had its ups and downs and I've been on the pill for so long but decided to come off for alternative contraception. I however fell pregnant and have been now for 10 weeks. Our relationship is breaking down and Im very concerned about my partners ability to be a father to the child. He is a good kind person but dropped out of his post grad training because of stress he also had an affair with a colleague but I took him back. He was increasingly not turning up for work going in very late and generally not enjoying work and in the end decided to leave. I know the demands and pressures were high which also impacted his decision.

This was 3 years ago he now locums mostly nights which is due to his bizarre sleep pattern. He hates getting up in the mornings and lives to be up all night often watching TV or writing his book but not necessarily working. He never comes to bed with me and often I wake ready for work and he is still watching TV!

If he does locum it's like maybe 3-4 x in a month so he is strapped for cash a lot.

A year ago he decided to pursue aphid which he started but due to lack of funding and interest did not continue. He barely went in at all his excuse being the experiments were not working out. This also contributed to him being in a lot of debt about 3000 in overdraft and 6000 in credits cards. This is not including a hefty student loan too!

We argue because I have resented him for not pushing himself further and utilising the excellent degree and training he has thus far had that tax payers have helped fund. I've suggested councilling but he tells me he just doesn't want to have a full time job as he doesn't get on well with people

I am working really hard and I just feel that he needs to decide what he wants to do with his life instead of spending all his time awake at night on Facebook/watching TV and sleeping in most days...

Now with a baby in the way not sure what to do or even if I want this baby

RaspberryOverload Mon 02-Nov-15 16:40:46

And his good points are?

Actually, I think he's what is often called a cocklodger. I don't think this relationship is sustainable.

Doodlepip1 Mon 02-Nov-15 16:41:40

He is a nice person and has helped me in the past with my house

Waltermittythesequel Mon 02-Nov-15 16:46:31

He is a nice person and has helped me in the past with my house

Wow. That's all you can come up with? That's not good at all.

BeeeeAve Mon 02-Nov-15 16:49:34

He doesn't sound like a mature, responsible man or a very caring partner. Living like a bohemian philosophy student, up all night raising about and refusing to work more than a handful of days a month while racking up debts - it doesn't bode well for the realities and stresses of family life.
How on earth will he cope with the demands of a baby/child? How will he support you? What does he say about this?

Have the two of you talked it through yet, in terms of the practicalities - maternity/paternity leave, childcare, work patterns going forward, finances going forward etc? if not, thats your next step. He isn't a child and he needs to come to the table with you and discuss this properly.

Whether or not the relationship is workable is one thing...but you can have your baby with or without him, if that is what you want.

BeeeeAve Mon 02-Nov-15 16:50:02

*up all night arising about, that should have said

BeeeeAve Mon 02-Nov-15 16:50:20


autocorrect go to hell!

BoomBoomsCousin Mon 02-Nov-15 16:51:03

I think your decision should be about whether you want a baby. Assume he isn't in the picture, because nothing you say about him should lead someone to think he will good with a kid around. So if you decide to have the baby, you will, more likely than not, need to kick him into touch for your sake and your child's.

Salene Mon 02-Nov-15 16:51:52

No one can tell you if you shouldn't or should have the baby

All I can tell you is my experience me and my husband were a strong couple before our son came along, my husband works hard and I appreciate it. We have no money worries or any real stresses before and hardly argued

Well my son being born was like a bomb going off , we bitched constantly at each other because of lack of sleep, I even resented him at times

It's all settled down now my son is a year old but we found that first 8 months pretty tough going and an see why couples spilt up when a baby comes along

So the only advice I could offer was I think you need to be a strong happy couple before a baby comes along as its a huge shock and quite a dramatic life change. That's what we found anyway.

pilates Mon 02-Nov-15 16:52:08

He doesn't sound like he is going to be much help when the baby comes along. Do you think you could manage on your own?

whois Mon 02-Nov-15 16:52:28

i wouldn't have his baby.

expatinscotland Mon 02-Nov-15 16:53:59

This man is a cocklodger. If you have this baby, you will be on your own. He can't even take responsibility for himself.

CalypsoLilt Mon 02-Nov-15 17:00:20

come and join us in the pregnant and single support thread if you like brew

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 02-Nov-15 17:10:10

Personally, I wouldn't have his baby. I would not wish to be tied forever to this man.

But it's not about me, it's about YOU. Put him and your relationship to one side completely. You came off contraception and you got pregnant. Did you want to get pregnant? Is your 'clock ticking'? Do you want motherhood, and do you want it now? Does he know about your pregnancy, and if so what does he say? If not, why not? Would you be happy/financially able to be a single parent?

I'm not asking you to answer these questions here - I'm asking you to answer these questions to yourself.

And - it's OK to not want to continue with the pregnancy. Likewise it's OK to want to. This is YOUR choice.

As an aside to your pregnancy - are you happy in this relationship? It doesn't sound it; it doesn't even sound as if you are simultaneously awake often enough to have a relationship. He doesn't sound like father material. Hell, he doesn't sound like partner material!

The best advice I can offer you is - accept he is not going to change, and think about how you want the rest of your life to be. And then act on it.

Best wishes.

LimitedSedition Mon 02-Nov-15 17:10:59

I have a feeling he'd get round to sleeping at night if a crying baby were around...

troubleatmillcock Mon 02-Nov-15 18:04:46


Patapouf Mon 02-Nov-15 18:08:44

OP you need to look at your relationship and your pregnancy independently of each other.
Are you happy at all with your partner? Does he have any redeeming features? Does he have the potential to sort himself out? Do you see a future with him?

Do you want a child? Could you cope with one emotionally/financially etc?

Muckogy Mon 02-Nov-15 18:34:19

don't have his baby.
why not dump this cocklodger and be free and unburdened as you enter 2016?

Narp Mon 02-Nov-15 18:38:41

I was going to say what WhereYouLeftIt said. Given that this relationship is not stable, would you want to nevertheless be linked to him forever, and have him be the father to your child?

LumpishAndIllogical Mon 02-Nov-15 19:01:35

I got pregnant with a similarly rubbish partner.

I Kicked him out when I was pregnant (he told me I had ruined his life by getting pregnant once the situation became very real to him)

I did the single parent bit for 18months after having my LO. I did my degree as a single parent, got my career sorted. I only see my ex every couple of months, sometimes up to 6 month intervals as he is so wrapped up in his own life.

I now have a lovely 5 year old, a new partner, a stable life (The life I made myself and worked for myself, I am also doing Postgraduate study) and new baby on the way.

I never have regretted, never for 1 second, having my beautiful LO regardless of a useless partner.

But this was my experience. So all I can say is trust how you feel about the baby! It is your decision.

Good Luck xx

AcrossthePond55 Mon 02-Nov-15 20:22:49

I think what you really need to decide is if you want to become a single parent, because it sounds like he is neither dependable nor responsible. I think that once the baby came you'd soon come to resent his attitude greatly and end up kicking him to the kerb.

Does he know that you're pregnant and what does he have to say about it?

As far as his work pattern, he's an adult. If he doesn't want to work full time, he doesn't have to. If he wants to stay up all night, that's his privilege. It's up to you to decide if his 'lifestyle' is compatible with yours and with what you want for your (and your child's) future. What you cannot do is expect him to change if he really doesn't want to. What he's doing appears to be working, for him. It just doesn't work for you. It certainly wouldn't work for me, either!

wheelsonabus Mon 02-Nov-15 20:32:50

I lived with a cocklodger for 4 years after getting pregnant. Nightmare. Would not change my dc for the world but wished I'd told him where to go when I was preggers. Being a single parent is a breeze compared to living with an able bodied man who can't be arsed to work.

Homemadearmy Mon 02-Nov-15 21:45:08

Single parent here too. And I love my children to pieces and wouldn't change them for the world. But I feel incredibly sad that they have useless father that has no interest in them. I wish I had thought more about the type of man that I picked to father my children. My own father is wonderful and it hurts that my own children will never have that.

ImperialBlether Mon 02-Nov-15 22:28:04

If you have the baby, expect to go through it all on your own. That guy is a complete waste of time and he won't be there to support you.

HaydeeofMonteCristo Mon 02-Nov-15 22:38:43

If I wanted a baby I would have it, but without him. I would get rid of him whether you decide to keep the baby or not.

He will be more of a hinderance than a help with the baby from what you've said, so he really has to go, especially if you keep it.

Obviously only keep it if you want to have a baby, but I have a feeling that I personally (and this is just me) would want the baby once I knew I was pregnant (that is not particularly helpful to you I know). Sensible considerations would be things like whether you would be able to afford the baby on your own, and whether you feel ready at this stage in your life.

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