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to think "NC" is easier to say than do

(19 Posts)
Fatmomma99 Mon 02-Nov-15 00:26:22

I am NC with my DSis, who has (basically) gone mad a year after my (very strong character) DDad died.

I'm a bitch

I'm a liar

I torture her children and my DD

Everything I do is wrong.

Everything I do is cruel.

It's all bollocks. She is VERY credible (when she talks to family members, etc). But it's all tosh. ("she bitches about me behind my back". No. I just chat). Going NC was the easy bit - who wants pages and pages of emails about what a lying bitch you are? But ... fuck me: Then it's almost christmas, and no one wants the kids to suffer. So we have to do contact and communications (where she takes the opportunity - again - to tell me over and over how awful I am).

I wish NC was easier!

Aeroflotgirl Mon 02-Nov-15 00:31:07

Think about why you are NC in the first place before you contact her. The kids do not need that toxic individual in their life. I am NC with my toxic half sister for 11 years, it is very easy to do this. My life is so much easier and lighter, plus she does not try to contact me at all. She us happy NC as well,

TheFormidableMrsC Mon 02-Nov-15 00:43:00

NC is hard. It took me a long time (and a hideous experience) to realise it was the only way. In my case, we have a child together sad. My ex-h had me arrested in front of my children one Sunday morning because I finally exploded after some significant emotionally abusive goading from him and the OW. My youngest is four and has ASD. He was absolutely traumatised by that experience. Having spent nearly the whole day in custody, I decided that was that. I have had no contact with my ex for six months now. He has contact with DS twice a week but merely collects him and drops him off and not a word is spoken. It has been liberating for me in terms of my recovery from his endless affairs and a vicious divorce and financial proceedings, but I am well aware that this is a nightmare situation going forward in terms of our DS. Unfortunately, some people are so bloody toxic that you have no choice. If I were you, OP, I'd keep your NC status. Send presents etc for the children, but don't put yourself in a vulnerable position in terms of your sister. flowers

LucyBabs Mon 02-Nov-15 00:50:07

I'm no contact with half of my siblings and yes I have had those "my kids will suffer" moments.

However my sister covered up abuse in our family and then thought when it all came out that I should just get over it. I don't want this kind of disloyal fuckwit as my children's Aunt.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where we were expected to put up with alcoholic sociopaths.
My kids will not be exposed to this shit as long as I can help it.

Sorry op was your sister difficult before your DDad died? If not then maybe the grief has become too much?

You need to protect yourself and your dc

Unreasonablebetty Mon 02-Nov-15 00:56:29

Please excuse me for being blunt, but in my eyes that isn't no contact, it's limited contact.
If you think she's so bad then your children won't be missing out by not seeing her at Christmas.

I went NC with my whole family about 7 or 8 months ago, which was fine, and they decided about 6 months ago they didn't want to see my daughter which was so very hard on her because they had been close until this point. It took two months for my daughter to get over it. But I can honestly tell you my daughter benefits from not having such poisonous people in her life.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Mon 02-Nov-15 01:05:36

NC isn't really NC if stuff is getting fed back to you.

Who is feeding it back and why?

reni2 Mon 02-Nov-15 01:09:09

NC really needs to mean NC, that includes Christmas. NC means you'll find out from the announcement in the newspaper they died or got married or maybe have no idea if they are alive, had another baby or moved to another country. You say no one wants the kids to suffer. If she is that toxic, the kids will be best served if they don't get any of that.

Bellejournee Mon 02-Nov-15 06:15:39

It is hard. I'm nc with my sister after a life time of lies, fraud and stealing, amongst many other things. She is allowed no contact with my children whatsoever. They are not missing out on someone so hateful. I was very close to her children through grandparents, but as they've got older, she is manipulating the situation more and more so I can't see them.

In fact her one of her daughters planned to come and see her cousin for their birthday yesterday, planned weeks in advance, told her she had to complete homework everyday - niece did everything asked and then yesterday my parents couldn't get hold of my sister to collect my niece. This is extremely rare as she constantly phones my parents for money, help with the children etc. Parents turn up at mine, no niece as expected - my children upset as looking forward to seeing there cousin. Sister's phone finally answered three hours later - eldest of her son's said that she had decided to take them all out. Later found out it was a lie and they were all at home :-(.

Sorry to hijack your thread op, felt good to get it out though.

RitaConnors Mon 02-Nov-15 06:42:16

I don't think your kids will suffer from not having a person in their lives who calls their mother a bitch.

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 02-Nov-15 07:13:04

As has been posted, its NC for a reason, you are giving limited contact and that allows the cycle to start all over again.

Go completely NC with your sister, any time that parents or other siblings try to bring her in to a conversation say that you don't want to know.

Yes it is hard but it is worth it in the end.

saoirse31 Mon 02-Nov-15 07:57:29

How do you manage no contact tho when you're both in contact with other close family members, ie both invited to Christmas dinner etc? Must be really difficult. You have my Sympathy's.

DawnOfTheDoggers Mon 02-Nov-15 09:21:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Mon 02-Nov-15 09:27:10

I get mighty pissed off with my NC mother. She sends the DCs birthday cards and Christmas presents despite having never seen them, sends them via my much younger sisters who I have repeatedly asked not to bring stuff but they "dont want to get involved" and I am fucking sick of it. Have another DC due in February and the same cycle will start again. If I ignore it, she wins, if I tell her to fucking pack it in, she wins. Its beyond exasperating.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 02-Nov-15 09:33:02

So we have to do contact and communications (where she takes the opportunity - again - to tell me over and over how awful I am).

And all it does is reinforce how right you are to be NC sad Do you really want your DD exposed to her? Is it worth it? do her good points outweigh the bad?

We've been there (MIL) and DH now is limited contact (phone only), I haven't spoken to her in over a decade. She told the world (and still does to be fair) about how awful we are and what a victim she is, and there are those that do not see through the façade and believe her. Learning not to give a shit is an art. sad


MummaV Mon 02-Nov-15 09:35:15

No contact means no contact. It sounds like your children would be better off without such a toxic influence in their lives so they won't be missing out.

I went NC with my dad 3 years ago, best thing I did. Family chatter tells me he now lives abroad which makes life easier not worrying about bumping into him in town/at grandparents etc. I know my grandparents have told him I now have DD, as I have said to them, he is to know nothing about her, her name, what she looks like etc etc. He has never asked about us so has never been told anything more. My grandparents thought they'd fix everything if he knew he had a grandchild, instead it cemented to me that going NC was the right thing to do as he just doesn't care.

QueenMolotov Mon 02-Nov-15 09:44:15

I agree with what some pp have said in that your case sounds like limited contact, rather than no contact, OP. This works for some people, as NC is very hard and final. It depends on the problem and what you really want to do about it.

You are definitely right that NC is harder to do than say. For me, it was with my extended family after they called me, my DM and my other lovely aunt some very hurtful names, and made up an entire web of sick lies. Other actions that they took were unforgivable and yet, one week after the incident that made me decide to go NC, the individuals involved sent my eldest DD birthday cards and gifts. I promptly returned them. My children are not going to be subjected to the kinds of toxic nonsense that I was just because 'we're family'. No - not any more. Families do not treat one another like that. We are 'divorced, now; an ex-family; people we used to know.

That was almost 2y ago. I've doubted my decision as times: as DH and I are only children, our children now do not have any other extended family members - no other second-cousins their own age. I miss big family get-togethers and Christmases together, where we'd excitedly exchange gifts and have parties. But then I realise that this is my rose-tinted perspective of family, that we did get together but lots of back-stabbing and gossiping went on, and as they had such low opinions of us, it all meant nothing to them, anyway.

Besides that, we live relatively locally so there have been run-ins. One ex-aunt followed me to the till then decided to give me a public dressing-down calling me a 'pathetic little bitch' and 'shit-stirring troublemaker' amongst other niceties, confused I didn't just stand there and held firm, but I can do without that drama. She seemed genuinely crazed and appeared to feel unaccountable for her own actions. What can you do with people like that?

My thoughts always return to the toxic control that my extended family had, and I always think 'better off without them than tolerate that shit'. It has felt like a bereavement, if I'm honest ... But I just cannot forgive them for what they said and did, and that is how I know NC is the only way in my situation.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 02-Nov-15 09:48:53

You aren't doing NC if you're having any contact with her, and that's why its hard.

If you go properly NC, and that means at all times of the year, no contact ever, not in person, not via email, not via text, not through social media, not through third parties - it gets easier.

What is better for your children, having one less Christmas present, or having contact with someone who sounds bitter to the core?

Once you've made the decision, it starts getting easier. 8 years on, I'm fine, unless they try to make contact - which is less than once a year. You almost grieve the loss and move on. You have to allow that to happen though. Having some contact is like picking at the wound, you never let it heal and you risk opening it to more infection.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Mon 02-Nov-15 10:08:47

The trick is getting other family members to stop trying to facilitate contact. They nag and yell at me. They can't see what my issues are. But then, they've been indulged by her their entire lives and I got the abusive alcoholic drug taking mother. Which they have also been exposed too - albeit for a much shorter amount of time - they just don't acknowledge it.

They end up screeching abuse at me at least twice a year, and I've just sent my annual 'stop bringing stuff from her' message so am expecting all Hell to break loose. However I've decided that the next time they kick off will be the last.

It can be difficult when you live local, too. We are not in a financial position to move, we've just finished doing our home up and DDs have a lovely school, all of which make me reluctant to move.

Fatmomma99 Tue 03-Nov-15 00:58:43

Thank you so much for all of these, and thank you for sharing your experiences.

It's less about my DD (although most my DH's family are dead, so she's got no links there, which is sad), but I worry very much about my dniece and nephew, because they're exposed to it all the time and they just want a "normal" christmas.

You are all right in what you say, though. so I need to think about it and maybe go for it properly. Less "minimal contact" and more actual NC!

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