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To be finding it hard to not take this personally

(17 Posts)
Beeswax2017 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:04:41

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Beeswax2017 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:05:01

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VimFuego101 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:08:48

If I were you I would be giving my brother the ear bashing of the century. You asked him to help out for one day - one day that was important to your mum.

PausingFlatly Sun 01-Nov-15 20:17:36


I'm so glad to see you had success stopping the hospital lumbering your DM with DB after his inpatient stay - I remember your thread.

You're absolutely right, it's completely unfair that your mother dumps on you for her decades of failing to deal with DB. If things were different, a few home truths and leaving them to each other might be right.

As it is...

Can you take refuge in the knowledge that of course you're not being selfish, and of course what she's said is unreasonable. You probably wouldn't be allowed to visit with a cold anyway, as she'll be immunocompromised.

And just keep nodding and smiling?

Or is there any mileage in telling her you're hurt that she agreed the change and then shouted at you. And that if she has problems with your brother's behaviour she shouldn't shout at you about it.

Beeswax2017 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:18:42

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Beeswax2017 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:21:59

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Cynara Sun 01-Nov-15 20:26:21

You are not unreasonable in any way, you're just at the end of your tether, which is perfectly understandable. Your brother had been extremely selfish and perhaps you should tell him so. I know it doesn't help at the moment, but the fact that your mum feels she can give you grief about this shows the closeness and the confidence she has in you. She knows you're there for her and will take the flak when she needs to give it out.
Take it up with your brother. He let her down, and he should know it's not ok.

SilentlyScreamingAgain Sun 01-Nov-15 20:32:38

Is this behaviour in character for you mum? I ask because depression is really common for people with a terminal diagnoses. My dad never had a day’s depression in his life before he was told that his condition was un-treatable but he’s been on anti-depressants ever since.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's all so fucking hard.

Beeswax2017 Sun 01-Nov-15 20:39:52

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chinam Sun 01-Nov-15 21:08:22

Your brother is an arse. Hope you feel better soon. flowers

SilentlyScreamingAgain Sun 01-Nov-15 21:17:32

I totally understand your desire to make everything perfect for your mum but you know you can’t do that. You have no control over your fuckwit brother’s actions, you can’t protect your mum from them and you are only going to make yourself ill trying.

If you need the anti-anxiety drugs, go and get them. There's no reward for going through what will be one of the most difficult experiences of your life, without the medication you need.

If you’re in touch with your mum’s palliative care team, you could mention that her reaction has been more extreme that it would usually be, they might be able to suggest something that will take the edge off things for her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Sun 01-Nov-15 21:25:26

Remember also that you caught her in the moment. She might have been stewing for hours about spending her time going around in circles about spending her "last" birthday at home. Then you rang and caught the brunt.
You have done more than your fair share and I'm sure your DM knows that.

cuntycowfacemonkey Sun 01-Nov-15 21:32:26

What an absolute selfish arse your DB is I would be letting him know in know uncertain terms what I felt about him.

Try not to take it personally your mum is venting her fears and anger about an impossibly awful situation

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Sun 01-Nov-15 21:34:54

Sorry about your mum. Be kind to yourself and treasure the time you have with her. I lost my mum on Thursday so you can certainly count on me to hold your hand. I don't doubt these last few months have been s rollercoaster. flowers.
Of course your mum feels abandoned if she's been left alone on her birthday., I would do you do. I think every being on the planet would do. It's only natural. However You have done absolutely nothing wrong. In any way at all. I can't stress that enough. Plus living 200 miles away. You can't pop into see your mum all the time.. You csnt help being unwell and nor did you force the drinks down your brother. However drinking could be his crutch at the moment or maybe he is just selfish. If it's the latter one then perhaps someone needs to have s long conversation with him about it. You don't let people down at the last minute especially in this situation. He knew what today's plans were so why didn't he go easier, but like I said getting shit faced could be his way of dealing with the pain.
Your SIL along with your brother needs a kick up the behind as well, surely if your brother was too hung over she could have gone to your mums on her own and taken the girls to see their grandmother.
About feeling blsmed and made to feel responsible for everything. I think reading between the lines there is only you and your brother. Making you the only girl. My lovely mum if she could read this thread would totally understand where you're coming from, as she being the only girl and inspite of being the youngest was the one my nan relied on, and who had to do everything. My uncles got a walk over to be perfectly honest. I could get bitter and resentful but what will that achieve.
Like I said I really can't stress that you have done nothing wrong at all.
I would advise going back to your GP.
My thoughts love and support are with you. flowers

Beeswax2017 Mon 02-Nov-15 09:34:54

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PausingFlatly Mon 02-Nov-15 09:52:34

Oh, her call sounds really positive.

It's such a rotten situation with her diagnosis: things are bound to be a bit frayed. If you can both manage to move on from each bump and get the most out what time's left, that's great. Doesn't stop it being hurtful to you, of course.

Wishing you lots of strength in difficult times. flowers

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 02-Nov-15 10:16:55

I agree there's nothing bloody worse than looking forward to something and you get let down.
Now I know alcohol isn't his rock. I will say ,He's a selfish arse hole. I wish my mum was here to take out to lunch and to go and visit . I'd love every minute of it.
Pleased you've heard from your mum though. I think by the csll. She most certainly doesn't blame you, and why would she. None of it was your fault.
Glad you've booked your app with the Doctor.

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