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To want to leave and not come back until it's clean?

(41 Posts)
Eeyore86 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:31:51

Boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and we are looking for a place of our own in January once his contact on his current flat runs out

He currently shares a house with his ex girlfriend and her boyfriend of around 18 months (he has his own flat but spends the vast majority of time in their shared flat, brings his washing to the flat etc) his ex girlfriend does have a mental health problem with a diagnosis and does seem to be in a manic phase at the moment but is managing to go to college and do a course a couple of days per week.

My problem is that every time we go to cook something it involves cleaning everything in the flat, flat mate and her boyfriend don't clean anything up and in order to have a clean environment to cook In you need to wash everything I have done this for weeks, I know it is boyfriends flat and he does do some cleaning when he is here (he works full time running his own company so often has 12-18 hour days) but I am sick of having to wash everything in order to cook a meal

Boyfriend tells me I shouldn't and to only wash what I need but in order the clean the worktops and cooker to be used everything needs moving so once that's been done you may as well have washed the damn things to start with. Boyfriend says he has done everything to sort this situation and now doesn't bother and that I shouldn't either but the kitchen literally makes me feel sick and I've ended up tonight (after cleaning for over an hour) telling him that I won't be back to stay over unless he sorts this out, he tells me he's tried and that even if he says anything it'll only change for a couple of days

Am I wrong to feel so frustrated and angry? It isn't for much longer until we get our own place but this is a huge issue for me and right now we aren't even speaking Sorry it's so long

DanglyEarrings Sat 31-Oct-15 20:35:49

Err - just go to his own flat? Am I missing something here?

MaidOfStars Sat 31-Oct-15 20:35:53

Neither of you officially live there but you want the residents to clean up for you?

Milkand2sugarsplease Sat 31-Oct-15 20:36:13

Besides it seeming like an odd set up I kind of think if the end point is Jan there's no point in falling out. Can't you just go out for tea or have him to yours if you really can't face it.
I'm not saying it's right but for the sake of a quiet life seeing as it's all change jn the new year anyway.....

MaudGonneMad Sat 31-Oct-15 20:38:04

I think OP's boyfriend lives with his ex. Ex's new boyfriend spends most of his time there despite having his own place.

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 20:38:35

I don't understand!

Why don't you just cook in your own house?

So it's his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend who make the mess? Why didn't your boyfriend move out when their relationship ended?

yorkshapudding Sat 31-Oct-15 20:40:04

If he has his own flat then I don't see what the problem is to be honest. Why don't you just spend time at his flat, or at your place? It seems a really odd set up to be honest. Why is he spending most of his time at his ex girlfriends place if he has another flat?

yorkshapudding Sat 31-Oct-15 20:40:48

Oh I get it now, thanks Maud.

HackerFucker22 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:41:04

I don't get it?

Where do you live? Where does your BF officially live? What is the situation with his flat?

I just don't understand...

Eeyore86 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:41:49

Yes my boyfriend lives in the flat and the tenancy is in his name along with his ex

Ex's boyfriend officially lives elsewhere but spends most of his time at the flat (no problem with this as long as he does his share as I do)

I would love him at mine as much as possible but due to my disability I currently live with my parents (a horrible situation despite my parents being amazing but to be rectified in Jan when we move in together)

I guess it just hugely annoys me that his ex and her boyfriend don't do much to make the flat a nice environment to live in, even when I cooked dinner for everyone I had to clean first with the help of boyfriend

gamerchick Sat 31-Oct-15 20:42:06

I don't understand the set up either, can you explain more. Why not go to your bfs place or to yours and leave hem both alone?

HackerFucker22 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:42:42

Oh right I see now. It's the ex's bf who has his own flat.

Makes more sense now.

I'd suck it up, Jan is mere weeks away.

Or go to your place?

Eeyore86 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:43:33

Boyfriend didn't move out when the relationship ended as it was his flat originally and he was happy to continue sharing with his ex (there relationship has been over for around 3 years) because he still cares about her welfare especially with her ill health

gamerchick Sat 31-Oct-15 20:43:51

Then it's time to sort out the tenancy. Cleaning up is just skirting around the weirdness confused

Eeyore86 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:45:29

Well we will be moving in together in Jan when his tenancy is up gamer, just at the moment that seems a really long time away

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 20:45:34

Has he handed his notice in yet?

I would say that I would cook something if the kitchen was clean. Then it's up to them.

Eeyore86 Sat 31-Oct-15 20:50:14

He has yes imperial Jan is when he can move out and we're looking for a place together now

I am probably bring unreasonable I just don't get how it can be so hard to wash up after yourself but this thread is gaining me perspective 8 weeks and it isn't an issue anymore

Morganly Sat 31-Oct-15 21:09:38

Stop cooking! Stop washing up and cleaning for your boyfriend, your boyfriend's ex girlfriend and your boyfriend's ex girlfriend's new boyfriend! Have you got doormat written all over your face? If your boyfriend won't clean, wash up and cook himself, he can take you out. If you don't treat yourself with respect, no one else will and if you move in with him without sorting this out, you've got the rest of your life being treated like an unpaid servant.

Eeyore86 Sat 31-Oct-15 21:23:22

Good point Morganly I suppose I do do too much in general.
Maybe I am a bit of a doormat? We do go out a fair amount of time it would just be nice to have some time together in a nice environment.

Had a bit of a talk with the boyfriend he realises that it is a problem (and always has been for as long as they have lived together) and he will talk to her but understands that I won't be making an effort to clean anymore so at least that is some progress

JugglingFromHereToThere Sat 31-Oct-15 21:24:48

That's funny Morganly - especially the list ending with "your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend" thlgrin

arethereanyleftatall Sat 31-Oct-15 22:46:09

Just clean up the stuff you need to make your dinner, but then leave all your mess afterwards.

We did this at uni, when one of our housemates never cleaned anything. The only way you could get her to contribute, was if everything single utensil etc was permanently dirty. Bit gross really, but fair.

abigamarone Sat 31-Oct-15 22:53:56

I'd buy a few bits and pieces and keep them in his room, along with a cutting board to prepare everything on.

LovelyFriend Sat 31-Oct-15 22:58:55

If your BF knows you are coming around to cook dinner for the two of you, he needs to clean the bloody kitchen before you come over!

I do not believe that the kitchen mess is created just by his flat mate and her BF. He must be contributing to the state of it too.

But you will find out that for sure I guess when you move in together.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-Nov-15 10:17:40

Are you convinced he's going to pull his weight when you move in together?

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sun 01-Nov-15 10:24:50

This really is a non problem in my mind. There is such a short time left till you are both moving in together. I just wouldn't go round there unless I was clutching a take away and some anti bac or else cook meals for him at your parents house.

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