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To say they need to do more elderly mum

(15 Posts)
SorryCantBeArsed Sat 31-Oct-15 12:59:18

Large back story but the short version is that both my dad and step mum have Alzheimer's. My dad is now in full time care but due to his challenging behaviour, he'd been detained under the mental health act for violence, it has been very difficult to get him a placement. He has just moved from hospital to a nursing home thirty miles from my step mum. There is no way she will be able to get there to visit him on her own.
She is also wanting to move and I suggested sheltered housing and found a good place only two miles from me. This got shelved due to one step brother coming up with a place that wasn't sheltered but now it's all change back to my plan. I've since told both step brothers to look for sheltered aces near them as it doesn't need to be near me. I've not heard anything from them about this but I get the feeling it won't happen. I took on sorting out the doctors social services etc for dad then since my step mums diagnosis I've continued for her too. I've just counted the phone calls I've either revived or made just this week on behalf of them both and its 26 calls. This doesn't include the many calls from dsm I get each day. I'm happy to do the ss type stuff and I know when she moves house the majority of the moving work will be done by me and oh but
But I feel I need to point out that both step brother can't expect me to carry on forever sitting out their mum. My dad has been my sole responsibility and although I'm happy to help dsm I can't carry on and on doing this for her too. I've said something to both of them earlier in the week regarding this but nit had much of a response
It always seems to fall the the woman to do the caring

SorryCantBeArsed Sat 31-Oct-15 13:01:28

Sorry hit too soonblush
AIBU to pint out that they really are going to have to take on more of the caring for her as unfortunately she will only get worse and I still have my dad to visit and I also have a full time job?

Abraid2 Sat 31-Oct-15 13:03:11


Penfold007 Sat 31-Oct-15 13:10:58

YANBU, you need to tell them that you are not prepared/able to be responsible for their mother.

Muckogy Sat 31-Oct-15 13:30:00

you're not responsible for someone else's mother - i would down tools today and let them to it, otherwise she will be your responsibility until she dies.

if you ask me, the care of the elderly does indeed fall to women, in most cases.
and they get very little thanks for it.
plenty women give up the best part of their lives to care for elderly relations; sacrificing a career, relationships and parenthood. then when the elder finally dies the women are left with nothing, sometimes not even a home of their own.

put your foot down and ring them today. them lazy pricks.

TheBouquets Sat 31-Oct-15 13:38:30

There are always people in every family who do the caring and others who do nothing useful. This is complicated even further in your case because this is your STEP mother who is the responsibility of her own children and you still have your true father and a full time job. These step brothers are likely to leave it all to you if you give them half a chance. Say that the Dr Social Work want to deal with them and not the step child. Maybe the threat of officialdom will make them sit up! Good luck

SorryCantBeArsed Sat 31-Oct-15 14:10:45

Thanks for the replies. I'm not so bothered about dealing with the doctors and social services at least I know it' actually gets done if I do it. In the past few months I've asked one to do a hospital appointment I couldn't manage and she missed it as he took her to the wrong place, I'd told him to look at the referral letter and the other I kept asking to call somewhere for her but after three weeks I did it myself. It's the day to day help and phone calls I want them to pick up more of which is why I'm concerned that if I move her closer to me they'll do less not more
Her and my dad have been married over thirty years so I wouldn't just walk away but I do have a life too

ImperialBlether Sat 31-Oct-15 14:13:30

They are really cheeky. You need to be really firm. You're looking out for your dad; they need to look out for their mum. Can your husband intervene?

SorryCantBeArsed Sat 31-Oct-15 17:57:50

My partner isn't at all happy about what's been happening and he has already said there is no way he'll let me continue as I am because he thinks I'll make myself ill
He has mentioned to one sb that I can't do it all and I've told him directly that I can't carry on as I am. My partner isn't too keen on the other sb, from the way he has previously treated dad and dsm plus some other things so if he did say anything I'm afraid things could get quite heated

TheBouquets Sun 01-Nov-15 00:48:22

In my opinion it is time that the Government implemented something along the same lines as CSA (Child Support Agency) for the care of the elderly parents. CSA are supposedly ensuring that both parents should be contributing to the financial aspect of the children. If there was an agency who ensured that all child contributed either in hands on care or in financial terms there would be a lot less carer burn out. Your DP is right you are in danger of getting ill.

VimFuego101 Sun 01-Nov-15 00:56:46

I'm not sure I agree with you entirely TheBouquets but I think there needs to be some sort of agency checking on who is involved in an elderly person's care and making sure that if nobody is taking responsibility then SS step in. Obviously hospitals need to clear beds and if a family member doesn't push back and insist on more suitable care then elderly people get sent home to cope alone and get sent back to hospital again. And yes, your DP is right. You need to look after yourself.

GruntledOne Sun 01-Nov-15 01:03:01

You are so NBU. I think the reality is that your stepbrothers will do nothing for just as long as you let them get away with it. It's a bit reminiscent of my brother, who comes to see our mother around every 5-6 weeks. He's well-meaning, but I simply don't understand why I have to give him a list every sodding time of what needs doing in terms of sorting out her medication, doing her shopping etc etc. He also has an artistic tendency to "forget" to make a note of times when I have specifically asked him to come because I am going to be away.

I wonder if you simply called in social services to sort out your dsm and left them to it, it might wake your stepbrothers up?

Scoobydoo8 Sun 01-Nov-15 09:10:46

Ime there is no guarantee that they will step in if you step back.

You prob need to toughen up in the hope that in the long run something other than you will be organised by them or SS for DSM. As long as you do it nothing will happen. If she lives nearest to you then you will be expected to be there for her.

Men often don't see it as their responsibility and often their DM doesn't see it as their job to do the caring.

TeenyW123 Sun 01-Nov-15 10:17:03

I asked my brother to step up and be more company for our 88yo dad. He's compos mentis, but struggles to fill his days with endless activities and amusements. Bro initially agreed when I pointed out that I see him every day of the week (he lives near me), and my sister has him every 4 to 6 weeks for a week to 10 days. When I said, well, what are you going to do and when are you going to do it, he replied "Fuck off, you're pressuring me". Nothing's changed, contact is an hour or so every 6 to 8 weeks. I'm low contact with him as I'm so hurt by his response. Funnily enough, he's at dad's this weekend (because he's fallen out with his toxic wife). They wanted to come to my house for their evening entertainment. I allowed it on Friday, but said no to last night. Both sister and dad told him he was out of order for his response; he insists I should apologise to him for the untenable pressure I put him under.

A bit of a derail, but I feel better for letting it out.

TheBouquets Tue 03-Nov-15 22:17:07

Vim -I was the one who did all the caring. 2 parents and one grandparent, Hospitals kept discharging not giving a damn if I could cope or if there was any help if there was ever a break for me. I even had a heart attack and still no help. They saw that I was visiting on my own twice a day but as you say they need the beds. Beds are more important than health it would seem. Dozens of failed discharges later the last of my elderly relatives died. Within weeks of the last death I was diagnosed with a whole heap of permanent illnesses. I am now off work for the rest of my life there is no cure. By not caring for the carer they created a disabled person.
Oh and family members? As soon as they saw me alone and ill in they came and demanded this and that and piles of money
I know I am not the only carer this happens to and I wont be the last but with a bit of brains hospitals could watch for carers falling apart. There should be some legal input too probably. To my view and by my experiences hospital just want to discharge and to hell with the consequences.

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