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AIBU?

AIBU to not want to see this billy bullshitter again

37 replies

Mrsbattleaxe · 31/10/2015 11:09

For the first time 4 weeks ago we met my best friends future DH. Me and her have been friends forever and when we see my friend she comes straight after work.
we all (me her, her DP and my DH) went to a comedy show and had to travel so we spent nearly all day in there company.

It was a mutual feeling between me and DH that by the end of the evening we couldn't stand him. I'm not sure if it was a personality clash but he constantly wanted to talk about money and I find it pretty vulgar especially when it's strangers. He is the type of person that hasn't done much but whatever you've done he's done twice and knows a mate who's done it four times. And what you should of done was.....
It becomes quite tiresome after a while.

We have had people in our lives like this before but not this bad. He had only just met me and said "I'm not being funny but that dress makes you look really fat" I might be carrying a few extra pounds but over the years I've lost 5 stone! And am now a comfortable 10/12.

My friends text me quite a few times about all meeting up again. We can't on the dates suggested but my DH and me really don't want to go. DH says that one of us should really speak to her and tell we find him too much.

It's not the first time he's been pulled up on it as when they were dating he told my friends parents how he owned a house with his ex. That turned out to be rubbish as he was only renting. She told me she had to have words to tell him to stop the bullshit. So she is aware of it and did pull him up on it a few times.

My DH says I should be straight with my friend and tell her he's not our cup of tea. I disagree and think we should say nothing and be busy for the foreseeable future. As previously I've found when people have the billy bullshit trait if you don't enable them and feed off there lies then they don't bother with you.

WWUD? Honesty or say nothing?

OP posts:

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GruntledOne · 31/10/2015 11:13

It doesn't sound like you'll get away with saying nothing, as if you keep ignoring your friend's suggestions sooner or later she will ask you why. If your friend acknowledges that he bullshits, I would have thought you can reasonably tell her that you don't want to go out with him again because (a) he was fucking rude about you and (b) you found the bullshit tiresome.

EponasWildDaughter · 31/10/2015 11:15

He had only just met me and said "I'm not being funny but that dress makes you look really fat"

How fucking rude!

I cannot abide rudeness and bad manners, let alone lies.

I'd be spending the forseable future arranging to see your friend on her own, as you have in the past. Without your DHs and DPs, just you two girls, as it were.

If push ever came to shove and she was asking why i didn't seem to want to socialise with her DP then it would be time to be honest. Gently of course.

Muddlewitch · 31/10/2015 11:16

He was really rude op, that is absolutely reason enough to not want to be around him and say so. Just make it clear you would still like to see your friend but not as couples, though she may not go for that. He sounds awful.

SurlyCue · 31/10/2015 11:20

He had only just met me and said "I'm not being funny but that dress makes you look really fat"

And your reply was...? Please tell me you called him on that infront of his partner?

BlueJug · 31/10/2015 11:22

EponasWildDaughter - has it right.
No need to lay out all the faults of her man - she won't want to hear it. Concentrate on seeing just her and enjoy the friendship as it is. Just say DP is busy/ tired etc but that you'd love to see her for a catch up/chat/girly night - whatever you do together.

If she really pushes it say what you have to say gently

SurlyCue · 31/10/2015 11:22

Btw if it was my best friend i would definitely tell her.

MaisieDotes · 31/10/2015 11:24

I have a very similar situation with an old friend. Her DH (second marriage so relationship is about 5 years old) is a complete tool. Similar issues, lying, bending truth or lying by omission; fixated with money and status; rude in company.

I made the decision to just try to avoid him as much as possible. If I told my friend what I really thought that would be the of the friendship and I don't want to lose it over this clown.

Luckily they have moved abroad which makes it a lot easier to just interact with her and not him, but even when they are home for visits I try to engineer lunches and coffees with her rather that group dinners etc.

Mrsbattleaxe · 31/10/2015 11:28

I didn't get a chance to reply my friend was on it. She knew he was going to say something rude Ashe started off the sentence with I don't want tobe rude but... She piped up with well don't be rude and do not finish that sentence. There were some cross words then he said the above.

She massively had ago at him and there was some awkward silence.

This happened quite a bit actually and my friend really was quite quiet.

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yorkshapudding · 31/10/2015 11:33

Did your friend have the decency to bollock him or at least look embarrassed when her DP called you fat?? How rude and completely unnecessary. It's one thing being a bit of a bullshitter (you could maybe put that down to nerves or wanting to impress you, if you were feeling generous) but to openly insult your partners friend the first time you meet them is something else.
Being too busy to see them is all very well initially, but you can't keep that up forever. If you do then you'll end up losing all contact with your friend as well as her DP. I would tell her, without going for a full blown character assassination, that you were offended by what he said. Surely, your friend won't be that shocked that you don't want to add someone who deliberately humiliates you by calling you "fat" to your social circle? If she is then she needs to get a grip.

yorkshapudding · 31/10/2015 11:34

Sorry cross post, glad she gave him a bollocking at least!

SurlyCue · 31/10/2015 11:34

What an absoloute tool! He had ample opportunity to not say it. He had time to think about it, had warning not to say it and went ahead anyway then created an atmosphere by rowing with his partner! Also, your friend needs her head looking at! Why on earth does she think thats ok? And dont say she doesnt because she pulled him on it, she does because she is sti with him despite knowing exactly what he is like.

Btw in light of that last post i would have no qualms about telling her "look i love you to pieces but i wont meet you with knobhead again. You know why, i dont need to explain it. Lets just keep meet ups to me and you in future"

Plumm · 31/10/2015 11:38

It sounds like she knows he's an idiot, so I would probably tell her the reason you don't want to see him again.

eddielizzard · 31/10/2015 11:41

sounds like she knows. i'd be busy when she suggests dates for you all to meet up and counter with an offer to see her on her own after work like you usually do. she'll cotton on i reckon.

DoreenLethal · 31/10/2015 11:43

My DH says I should be straight with my friend and tell her he's not our cup of tea. I disagree and think we should say nothing and be busy for the foreseeable future.

'no - I do not want to spend another minute with that man, thanks'.

NotInGuatemalaNowDrRopata · 31/10/2015 11:43

I don't understand why she's still with him!

Mrsbattleaxe · 31/10/2015 11:47

Yes that might be a option.

I spoke to another friend who is also close to her we don't see each other in a three but just had a general so I met "her DP what does she think of him" as she knows him quite well.
And she couldn't praise him more but she has the billy bullshit trait too, nothing like him but she does bend the truth for eg me and her went to the zoo and she will relive the day by saying who we went to the zoo got hammered and couldn't find our way home.
I can very well imagine they get on really well.
I'm going to have to talk to her aren't i, the longer it goes on the harder it's going to be.

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Mrsbattleaxe · 31/10/2015 11:50

I don't know why she is still with him either but they don't spend much time together as they work opposite hours of the day. They are due to get married next year so she must love him.

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pluck · 31/10/2015 12:08

Not seeing him (a) insulates her from his twattishness and (b) could isolate her, if she doesn't then see you alone.

If you do agree to see him again, perhaps he'll say enough to finally dig himself out of her heart! It sounds as though he doesn't deserve her at all, and who's to say what shit he might be flinging her way, now or in the future?

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 31/10/2015 12:12

It seems that she already is used to his behaviour and it wouldn't surprise me if he shows her up on a regular basis. She might not stay with him.

VenusRising · 31/10/2015 12:18

I think you should just ask your friend over a lot more on her own. Again and again try and get her alone without him. Can she escape?

Try and get her to dump this loser, he sounds like the very unscenic route to an unhappy marriage and divorce.

Be a good friend and break them up.

If you have to meet him again just blurt out how awful he is each and every time he comes up with shit. Every time.
Just hammer it home you think he's an insecure and rude fool.

Your friend will get the message that you know how awful he is. She knows he's shit but may be feeling trapped. Help her break it off with him.

UncertainSmile · 31/10/2015 12:21

God, what an awful sounding man

Mrsbattleaxe · 31/10/2015 12:34

What I can't understand is my friend has done well for herself house car good job ECT all by herself but he was bragging about so much but without my friend he would have nothing. He has a job but my friend now has constant money issues as he earns such a pittance he his a hidrence on her finances.

Does anyone else find that people with nothing have this trait and boast about things? We had another one in our life through my dad who is 50 still living with his mum no job and full of it. Had to stop going to the pub as I hate hate hate it.

OP posts:

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FreakinScaryCaaw · 31/10/2015 12:37

He's awful.

I hope your friend comes to her senses.

I'd have to say something if it were me.

notmaryberry · 31/10/2015 12:44

Oh yes, I had a friend at school who would make up dramatic stories. We went to London once and saw someone get punched and knocked unconscious. By the time we got home she was telling people we had witnessed a murder. She is also obsessed by money. I cut her out years ago but hear from mutual friends that she hasn't changed. My FIL is another one. When we visit we play 'bullshit bingo' and score points for every outrageous story or boast he tells. He is also obsessed with money - it must be connected.

Jux · 31/10/2015 12:58

She knows already, so just tell her. If she can't trust her friends to tell her truths, what can she do? It's not honest and will spoil your relationship with her if you keep schtum and make excuses.

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