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Not to see my friend as much due to her partner

(13 Posts)
Thighbrow Fri 30-Oct-15 21:08:44

My friend's partner is an absolute bellend. He's verbally abusive to her(and only her), lazy, rude and selfish. My friend tells me all this. He's treated her depsicably fairly recently - can't go into great detail but she ended up in hospital for a few days due to her lifelong illness, leading up to this he told her she was making it all up and not helping out with any child/house related issues depute her asking. He stayed in bed instead and she ended up in a&e.

To the outside world though - she tells everyone he's bloody wonderful. Gushes on fb about him and how much she loves him how wonderful he is. As result of above gushing - I've felt myself distance myself from her a bit. I'm sick of hearing how dreadful he is and then her telling the outside world how amazing he is. I've been honest about my feelings to my friend - I don't understand why she puts up with it and he's abusive. Since I have made my feelings clear I haven't seen her as much. Maybe I shouldn't have said?

Aibu to not see her as much - it seems as if we both feel that way at the moment. Maybe I shouldn't have been as honest about how he treats her? I just hate to hear it. She does know where I am if she needs me and I'd always help her out if I could - and have done when her 'd'p should have been the one in certain situations.

00100001 Fri 30-Oct-15 21:17:18

you are being a bit U - she probably needs the support and help of a good friend if things really are that bad.

Thighbrow Fri 30-Oct-15 21:22:17

I want t help her and still see her -I'm just worried she feels awkward about seeing me after me telling her my feelings and u feel she doesn't want to see me. I don't know I could be assuming that. How can I approach this to let her know I'm here for her?

pinotblush Fri 30-Oct-15 21:24:18

Seems like she's distanced herself since you told her the truth as she's very much in denial isnt she.

I'd continue to see her if and when and continue to tell her.

Thighbrow Fri 30-Oct-15 21:27:00

Sorry random typos. Yes I do feel like she's been avoiding me a bit since I told her that how he treats her isn't right. I'm not a relationship guru but how he treats her isn't right and I didn't feel I could say nothing.

redexpat Fri 30-Oct-15 21:41:10

Abusers usually try to isolate you from friends and family. Did you make it clear that she could still count on you in an hour of need?

Thighbrow Fri 30-Oct-15 22:05:53

Yes definitely. In have a spare room if she needs it and have told her that. He's had some (public facebook) rows with a few.of her other friends/family so quite a few people avoid them as a couple. I've deleted him from fb recently so other stuff may have gone on I'm not aware of..I'm sure he blanked me the other day too.

Leavingsosoon Fri 30-Oct-15 22:07:38

YANBU.

It's awful for her obviously but I can quite understand how this is completely draining for you too.

PollyGone Fri 30-Oct-15 22:10:29

Let her go*Thigh*. As red says, he'll isolate her. All you can do is be there, when she eventually admits that she needs you. Phone her occasionally for a chat, without mentioning his name.

AdjustableWench Sat 31-Oct-15 03:48:07

It usually takes a very long time before a woman leaves an abusive partner, and the wait can feel very frustrating to her friends. Everyone knows she should leave him, but one day she's complaining about his behaviour and the next day she's saying it's not that bad, or that she loves him. Unfortunately, this is part of what isolates abused women.

All you can do is wait, and offer any support you're able to offer. But yes, perhaps it makes sense to see her less often in these circumstances, and she does know you're there for her. You're a good friend.

maggiethemagpie Sat 31-Oct-15 19:53:21

I could have written the OP. I have recently 'lost' a good friend to an abusive twat. I don't live near her, but every time I visit she will tell me how awful he is and in the next breath how much she loves him and she just needs to behave herself more (as he's brainwashed her to believe).

It's horrible watching someone you care about be hurt in this way, although I'm not sure to what extent she's doing it to herself, by not just LTB.

Last time she told me she wanted out, but couldn't leave him. I'm at the point now where I don't really want to see my friend that much any more, not if we're going round the same old loop again, but I don't want to abandon her as she's depressed and her other, local friends are backing off.

Just feel like shaking some sense into her as I'm sure you do your friend.
I think I'm going to say to her, don't mention how horrible he is unless you are ready to leave him..in fact just don't mention him at all. But I'm worried that I'm the one person she can confide in and don't want to make her feels she has no one to talk to.

I've told her I can't see her with him though, as he's been quite hostile to me (sees me as a threat) and I can't bear to be in the same room as him knowing how he's treated my friend.

Thighbrow Sun 01-Nov-15 07:03:20

That's so sad maggie sad with my friend she's adamant she won't leave him and has said so. I sincerely hope she realises that she's set for a life of this if she does stay - I've pointed it out. He won't change!

maggiethemagpie Sun 01-Nov-15 13:07:17

Let's hope our friends one day see sense Thighbrow. To provide some context, my friend has been seeing her partner less than a year, doesn't live with him, but has to do all his housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry when she goes round and if she doesn't do it right she gets shouted at! So he basically gets a free maid with sex on tap.

I just can't understand why someone would put up with that. But she's not allowed to have an opinion any more, or any feelings, and everything is always her fault. He's ground her down. She doesn't have any actual ties to him - no kids, no finances. But the psychological hold he has on her is so strong she cannot leave.

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