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to be annoyed at my friend or am i a cold-hearted bitch

(47 Posts)
AshleyWilkes Fri 30-Oct-15 18:39:46

Background: My good friend (not quite best but "good") has had marriage problems with her loser of a husband. He's been violent and has cheated, they have a 3yr old and a 1 yr old and he's a waste of space. When he's not smoking weed he's usually sleeping off a bender or getting arrested.
Anyway me and DH have been there as much as possible for her, and about a year ago we lent her £250, she told us she was desperate for money to pay some bills, fix her boiler and buy milk/nappies for the kids. (he had already left her by then and doesn't give her any money).
So we didn't hesitate to lend her what she asked for with the understanding that she would pay it off when she could, and she told us she would have it paid off by last Xmas.
So its been a year and all she's paid is literally £10. Not a huge problem, I understand that she's a single mum with 2 little ones. Our friendship is important to me, I wouldn't dare jeopardize it for the sake of £250.

This is what annoys me though: Her Facebook is saturated with pictures of her going out, getting drunk in clubs, buying new clothes, buying an iCandy for her youngest! boasting about the clothes she's got from Next etc, her plans for an Xmas party. (we live an hour away from her so we don't necessarily keep up with her activities, just what we see on Facebook).

AIBU for feeling ticked off that she owes us £240 (money that we actually need) and has been owing for a year, claims to "can't afford it this month" when we ask, but her FB posts show otherwise??

Thattimeofyearagain Fri 30-Oct-15 18:41:46

Yanbu, she's a piss taker

HawkEyeTheNoo Fri 30-Oct-15 18:44:45

Yanbu. I would be bloody furious. I would certainly be telling her that you need the money and it hurts you when she says she can't afford it then is apparently on nights out according to FB, when you and DH can't afford to go out because of money you loaned her!! Cheeky mate

MissMarpleCat Fri 30-Oct-15 18:44:53

Yep, pisstaking user.

EponasWildDaughter Fri 30-Oct-15 18:46:57

Never a lender or a borrower be.

It's good advice. I got burned financially by a friend once. I lent money and never got it payed back. The debt to me was always last on her list of priorities it seemed.

It taught me that the old adage is true and i've never lent anything else. This was years ago. We remained friends for a few years after the lending and i see it now that if she didn't have the money in the first place she was never going to be able, or have the self control with her money, to pay me back.

AshleyWilkes Fri 30-Oct-15 18:47:30

Thanks. DH wasn't too happy at the last set of pics on her facebook and wants to ring her up to have a moan sad

Wolfiefan Fri 30-Oct-15 18:48:06

Never lend money to friends.
Agree a repayment scheme or accept you won't get it back.
She could be scrounging off other people to pay for all the stuff you are seeing on fb!

coffeetasteslikeshit Fri 30-Oct-15 18:50:24

YANBU.

pinkyredrose Fri 30-Oct-15 18:50:41

Ask her why she can afford clothes and clubbing bit not to pay you back

Chippednailvarnish Fri 30-Oct-15 18:52:35

Our friendship is important to me, I wouldn't dare jeopardize it for the sake of £250

And she knows this.
She's using you and you're letting her...

holeinmyheart Fri 30-Oct-15 18:54:53

This is going to eat away at you and eventually ruin your friendship. You are really between a rock and a hard place.

If you ask her for the money back it might ruin your friendship and if you don't ask her for your money back ( given what you have seen on Facebook) it might ruin your friendship.

So I think that you need to go and see her with some documented evidence of what you have seen.
I don't think you should write as a letter/ email etc can be ignored. If she ignores a communication it will just add fuel to the fire.
You need to have eye contact with her. It is more painful but always better in resolving disputes.

When you meet, try and be as honest and as straight forward as possible. No accusations about her boasting about her spends on FB.

Ie, say You are sad that it has got to this situation but you need the money back. You don't want to lose her friendship etc BUT.....Try and get her to set up a direct debit. It will give you peace of mind, even if she pays a small amount back every month, you can go on with your relationship.

Next time, don't lend anyone any money, especially if you can't personally afford to lose it.
You are a good kind person...........and I am afraid good kind people sometimes get done over.

WorraLiberty Fri 30-Oct-15 18:56:06

She's taking the piss and you are enabling her.

Just remind her it should have been paid back almost a year ago, and ask her how she intends to sort it out.

That shouldn't jeopardize your friendship and if it does, well that means she's not really a friend at all, doesn't it?

Vixxfacee Fri 30-Oct-15 18:58:34

Just ask her for it back.

Happened to me a few times.

One time I lent a friend a tenner for electric and then she asked me to drive her somewhere to pick something up, which was fine. Turns out it was to her dealer to buy weed. End of that friendship.

theycallmemellojello Fri 30-Oct-15 18:59:02

I think if you count her a friend then you should bring it up. She might think you are genuinely happy for her to pay it back whenever. And a drink in a bar documented on fb is not necessarily the height of progligacy, expensive products could be bought by the useless oh. She sounds like she's having a hard time so if have her the benefit of the doubt re being a user. But definitely ask to talk about terms of repayment if it's rankling. If she's been a friend you owe it to her to be honest.

junebirthdaygirl Fri 30-Oct-15 18:59:34

Think as soon as you loan money to someone something comes between ye. I had this with a friend. I was so conscious of any money she spent while not repaying. I just told her l was writing off the debt and l will never do it again.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Fri 30-Oct-15 19:02:01

you will be blocked and deleted quicker than you can say pie if you call her on this.

you have to let it go, draw a line under it and move on. Or get the money out of her and bin the friendship, if she doesn't first.

KitKat1985 Fri 30-Oct-15 19:08:55

YANBU.

TheBunnyOfDoom Fri 30-Oct-15 19:18:03

This is why lending money to friends is a bad idea! I think you either need to write the money off, or write the friendship off. Yes, she should pay you back but she obviously has no intention of doing so.

Hedgehogparty Fri 30-Oct-15 19:18:45

I'd simply ask for the money back. Say you need it now.
No need to mention what you've seen.
Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Maybe I'm a pessimist but I don't think you'll see that £ again.

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 30-Oct-15 19:24:20

I had this. Had to contribute to my "best" mate coming to my hen night, but she was constantly out on the piss after work. I said if she skipped a few nights down the pub she could afford to cover the half I was stumping up for the pleasure of her company. She told me I was rude.

Lordamighty Fri 30-Oct-15 19:24:24

Do the same thing back to her. Call her & tell her you need £240 to fix your boiler & you need it now. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

AshleyWilkes Fri 30-Oct-15 19:29:57

Thanks for the advice. Sorry forgot to mention I actually sent her a text couple of months back along the lines of "We know you've had a bad time and we hate (her OH) for what he's put you through, however we have bills to pay, a child of our own to look after etc, and we will need some money." Her reply was basically well I "should be able to pay you £10 or £20 next week when my benefits are paid in, but I need to buy new baby clothes/nappies/new fridge/new buggy/new washing machine /credit card bill....blah blah, there's ALWAYS an excuse.

Arfarfanarf Fri 30-Oct-15 19:36:48

Your friendship is not important to her though is it? Because she IS willing to jeopardise it for £240. she's happy to show you all the stuff she's buying while at the same time effectively telling you she is not going to pay you back. She's happy to screw you over.

Do you think that that demonstrates the same or similar level of commitment to or love of the friendship that you give it?

Chebs Fri 30-Oct-15 19:43:17

I agree, this is something that needs to be done in person. A text or an email can be fobbed off very easily.

I would ask for a set amount, by direct debit, every month. If she says she cannot commit to that I would look completely gobsmacking (I would even practice the facial expression in the mirror) and gasp, well.... I must have imagined all of the shopping sprees and nights out you have been enjoying whilst I sit at home and catch up on social media. Since I don't have the funds to go out.

emotionsecho Fri 30-Oct-15 19:48:26

As she has paid you nothing since your text a few months ago try a different tack and either phone her or see her face to face and say outright "You don't have and never have had any intention of repaying the money we lent you have you?".

I think the friendship is already over, you feel (rightly) used and taken advantage of and will never see her in the same light again. She has used and taken advantage of you which is not what a friend would do.

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