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to feel hurt at my brothers lack of interest and ask WWYD?

(46 Posts)
ilovewelshrarebit123 Fri 30-Oct-15 09:20:02

I had a major operation just over a week ago which had some complications. I had to stay in hospital for three extra days and was very poorly.

During the these six days my brother didn't visit, call or even text to see how I was. He finally called after our mum effectively told him to call me.

I'm now home and have been for five days, he lives literally around the corner from me. No call, text, visit or offer of 'do you need anything'.

His wife has called but she has a lot going on with her own family illnesses so appreciate her contact.

I'm on my own so the brunt of getting stuff done has fallen on my mum who is in her 70's and not in the best of health. We're both close in age, he's fit, healthy and works regular hours.

I feel so hurt that he has no interest in how his own sister is after a serious op. I don't expect much, just a 'how you doing'.

I'm thinking of sending a passive aggressive text to him but he's so hot headed he'll turn it round to make me look like the bad guy!


PotteringAlong Fri 30-Oct-15 09:22:37

But his wife has called; he knows how you're doing. Does it really need both of them to contact you so you can repeat the same thing to two people in the same household?

Wolfiefan Fri 30-Oct-15 09:24:34

Perhaps he's busy supporting his wife with her family illnesses?

CactusAnnie Fri 30-Oct-15 09:25:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovewelshrarebit123 Fri 30-Oct-15 09:32:04

He does nothing to support his wife, she does everything for the kids and in the home.

He is well known for his selfish streak but I thought he might have shown sone interest in his only sister.

I'll stop obsessing then as maybe I'm expecting too much.

Wolfiefan Fri 30-Oct-15 09:33:27

He has kids. You are an adult.

PotteringAlong Fri 30-Oct-15 09:34:55

But he might have shown an interest! His wife called, he asked her, she told him. I think you're building this up into something it isn't.

MicronesiaIsMyHome Fri 30-Oct-15 09:35:55

You can't force people to be something they are not even if they are related by blood. It is sad but you have to accept it because not everyone thinks and feels the same way you do.

ssd Fri 30-Oct-15 09:37:30

I get this only too well op. It hurts. You arent asking the earth, just a 2 minute conversation or a quick text.

have some thanks, I truly get it.

NothingNewUnderTheSun Fri 30-Oct-15 09:37:57

My brother is like this. He hates anything to do with hospitals, illness and the obligation to pointlessly visit people. This is fine with me. I can't think of anything worse than pressuring someone into doing something they can't/don't want to do.
Just concentrate on getting well. People visiting you is not going to expedite that.

SaucyJack Fri 30-Oct-15 09:40:06

If he's always been selfish and lazy, then there's no reason why he'd be any different now is there?

Sorry tho. I can see why you're hurt.

Enjolrass Fri 30-Oct-15 09:40:07

You have answers it yourself.

He gives his wife no support and is selfish. He probably thinks his wife calling is enough. His wife doing everything else seems like enough for him too.

Yanbu to be hurt. But ywbu to expect anything else

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 30-Oct-15 09:40:12

Hi op

Hope your on your way to a full recovery thanks sadly it sounds like your bro is they're of guy who gets written about on here . The adage of he is telling you who he is rings true here, this is him if he rings up he knows he'll have to step up. If he doesn't support his wife it says it all really, he doesn't invest in family and it's all about him probably.

Here's for a swift recovery op

paulapompom Fri 30-Oct-15 09:43:21

If it's ' really making you feel upset then I would text, but not a p. a. text. Why not text him and ask him for help? Ask him to call round after work, specific day and time, and just tell him you felt hurt by his lack of contact.

Otherwise this is going to fester and become a huge deal. But he sounds fairly insular, so you may not get much of a reaction from him.
Hope you're feeling better soon xx

motherofallhangovers Fri 30-Oct-15 09:44:58

Of course YANBU.

But this is AIBU so the usual people are bending over backwards to disagree with you, because they just want to argue.

If a man posted here and said my sister's had a serious op, but I can't be bothered to check she's ok, that's my elderly mum and DW's job - well, he'd be ripped to shreds.

It would hurt me if my family acted like that, and we're not the closest usually.

Don't say anything now, wait till you feel stronger and less angry then explain that you really wpuld have liked him to at least pop in, and you would of course do the same for him if he needed it.

And ignore the argumentative idiots here.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Fri 30-Oct-15 09:46:52

So when he did call it was because your mum told him to. I think it would be safe to assume that if he visits it will be because your mum has told him to.

Do you really want that OP? Someone calling or visiting because they've been told they have to?

Would you really appreciate that visit or would you be left feeling how you felt about the text?

Unfortunately we can't expect others to live their lives with the same ideals that we hold ourselves.

flowers I hope you get better soon.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 30-Oct-15 09:49:56

God I hate this MN attitude that once you have kids you're not supposed to have responsibility to anyone else. The PP who said people just like to disagree on AIBU for the sake of it has it right

OP I would be bloody hurt too. He sounds very self-absorbed

Of course he should have phoned and been to see you. It's what families do

I hope you're feeling better now OP and on the way to recovery thanks

miaowroar Fri 30-Oct-15 09:59:31

I think if it was my brother I would text/contact him in some way and just ask him if he would do something specific for me - something cut and dried, like getting something from the shop or a prescription or something. Then he actually has to do it or say no.

You can say that you don't want to bother your mum further as she is looking tired, after all she is 70, and as he only lives round the corner ...

TPel Fri 30-Oct-15 10:10:20

He sounds like an arse and behaving accordingly. I do think you should try and shrug it off. He doesn't sound worth the emotional pain.

Hope you get better soon.

OllyBJolly Fri 30-Oct-15 10:16:23

My sister is very ill with complex problems and a life limiting condition. My brother will do things if asked i.e. accompany her to appointments (she can't travel without assistance) but would never volunteer. If I tell him about diagnoses he will always play it down e.g. "The tumour has grown significantly" answer "She'll be fine. Lots of people get this and recover" . He knows this isn't true. He'll never call unprompted - and even prompted he'll talk about anything else other than health. But - Dsis does appreciate the contact.

He does care, he's not self absorbed. He just can't deal with illness in those close to him.

he does keep us totally updated on his blood pressure and sports injuries on Facebook

Maybe your brother just doesn't have that "thoughtful gene". Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. Hope you get well soon flowers

MrsJorahMormont Fri 30-Oct-15 10:17:43

My sibling would be like this too OP. I'm so used to it I wouldn't care tbh but thanks and hope you recover swiftly.

TSSDNCOP Fri 30-Oct-15 10:20:13

WWID? Honestly?

Concentrate on resign and getting better rather than invest time and energy getting irritated with someone upon whom my irritation will have precisely zero effect.

Helen1982w Fri 30-Oct-15 10:20:45

OP I could have written your post, I understand exactly how you feel.

I had a life changing surgery, was in hospital for 2 weeks, it was a very upsetting time and I was totally let down by my brother.
He didn't call, he didn't visit. He only got in touch after my parents called him to say they were disgusted with him. Then he came to see me, stayed half an hour and that was that, didn't even ask how I was.

I know I'm not his responsibility at all, but when you put the behaviour in context of the kind of family we are, it stands out as poor. We've had some hard times as a family and we've always been close, I thought we were solid. When his marriage broke down we were there picking up the pieces. When he needed money, we were there helping him making sure his DC never went without, when he needed childcare I stepped in. We're the kind of family that look out for each other, or so I thought.

Turns out that when he needs the help he's happy to receive it but when others need help he isn't interested.

My parents are disappointed with him, he has form for similarly poor behaviour when he should have done more when the family had to pull together in crisis. So maybe we shouldn't have expected any better but it doesn't take much to show you care. A phone call, a card in the post, anything to show that you are thinking of someone.

If I'm honest it's really effected how I feel about him, I really doubt whether he gives a sh*t about me or my family. If that had been him I would have been there, offering practical help and he knows that because I've been there when he's needed me in the past. Every. Bloody. Time.

The only upside is that I now feel relieved of any obligation to offer help next time he has a life crisis, because he has no credit in the bank with me anymore.

TSSDNCOP Fri 30-Oct-15 10:21:05


I'm beginning to think this iPad is very unreasonable.

Haffdonga Fri 30-Oct-15 10:21:16

Sounds like one of those lazy men who let their 'women-folk' do their emotional work for them.

I bet he doesn't choose your Christmas presents or remember your birthday either. His wife does it for him.

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