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To want to TTC even though I'm not 100% sure?

(33 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Thu 29-Oct-15 17:23:30

Me and DH are 32/33 and have a 20 month old DS.

Our opinions on the thought of having a second DC change all the time (especially my thoughts) in that some days I ache for another child but then the next day I think about all the ways it would make life harder.

Out of the two of us I want a second DC more than my DH does (he would be happy with just DS) but a few weeks ago he said he was prepared to sit down and discuss us having another but we never got round to having the conversation. Maybe I'm putting it off because I know I still have some doubts and I don't want him to pick up on them.

There are lots of practical reasons why we perhaps shouldn't have another but there are also lots of reasons as to why I do want one.

My friend told me that unless I'm 100% sure about having another then I shouldn't do it, but that sounds a bit like a Fairy Tale to me as surely it's normal to have some worries about the momentous life changing event of having a child? Is any child conceived in a 100% worry-free, doubt-free scenario?

Me and DH had worries about trying for DC1 but we still went ahead with TTC because we wanted a baby.

I guess my point is there's never a perfect time to have a baby is there so sometimes you have to just go for it? I was once told that if people waited for the 'perfect time' then nobody would have babies.

Me and DH have spoken about it a few times but I think I need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about it rather than the light hearted chats we usually have about it during dinner.

I don't think I will ever be 100% worry-free about the idea of TTC again because of my worries about the practicalities of having two, but I don't think that just because we have some concerns it means we should never have another baby?

I don't want DS to be an only child and I don't want us to put off having another because of some anxieties and then wake up 5 years later and regret not having done it.

I guess I need to know that even in families where DC1/2/3 came along and it caused worry and difficulties it all turned out right in the end.

AIBU to want to TTC even though I have worries about being pregnant again and worries about how having a second child would impact on our life?

Runningoutofnamesagain Thu 29-Oct-15 18:07:21

YANBU

I'm sure there are a lot of people who are not 100% and like you said there's rarely a point in life where absolutely everything is perfect

As long as you are nearly 100% that's good enough !

Regarding worries over another pregnancy could you see your gp and discuss it ?

DoJo Thu 29-Oct-15 21:39:55

Even if you are 100% at the time of TTC, there are a whole heap of things that make you question your decision even once you are pregnant - I know that was the case for me! I don't think having slight doubts, concerns about how you will parent two, worries about age gaps/sibling rivalry/being able to devote enough attention to each child is anything serious enough to put you off having another, it just shows that you are thinking seriously about it, not that you're making a mistake.

Purplepoodle Thu 29-Oct-15 21:45:16

if you can afford another child (childcare if needed) then everything else is small biscuits. Honestly I think it's easier to have a second if the first is in part time daycare or nursery as it lets you rest a bit in those sleepless baby days

Dogsmom Thu 29-Oct-15 22:26:39

I was uncertain about having a 2nd but a friend who has got 2 dd's said you'll never regret having them once they're here but you may well regret not having them.

I think she was bang on, I now have an 8 month old dd and can't imagine life without her, it's been bloody hard though much harder than I expected but seeing her and my 2.5 year old dd together is priceless and it can only get easier.

Runningoutofnamesagain Thu 29-Oct-15 22:43:26

Absolutely agree with the youll never regret having them once they're here but you may well regret not having them

PoundingTheStreets Fri 30-Oct-15 02:30:22

Absolutely agree with the youll never regret having them once they're here but you may well regret not having them

I'd disagree with that. While I have no regrets personally, I have come across a lot of women for whom having children was a huge mistake, compounded by the feelings of guilt they have in admitting that because we still live in a world in which it is unpalatable for women to say so.

However, I'd also agree that if you waited until it was 100% right and certain, humanity would probably be extinct. A strong longing and a realistic conviction you can cope with a plan to do just that, is good enough IMO.

I think you need to talk to your DH about it.

Good luck. smile

Enjolrass Fri 30-Oct-15 06:59:34

I really don't know the answer.

I was positive I wanted another when we started ttc our second. I wouldn't have, if I was unsure. It took a fairly long time. After a over year, I started thinking that I wasn't sure. I planned to have a chat with dh and see what he thought, with a view to stop. 3 days later I realised my period was late and I was pg.

My first feeling was 'well that's that' but I did worry a bit through the pg.

That said, I don't regret having him. At all. Dd was 7 when I got pg. my main reason for stopping was that I dd was becoming so much easier, I didn't know if I wanted to go back to the early years. But the choice was taken out of my hands. Ds is five now and the hard (for me) years are behind us.

The first couple of years were very difficult. Mainly because I knew deep down that if I hadn't been pregnant that month, I would have stopped ttc.

My personal opinion is that it's better to not have a child, rather than have one you will regret.

As I said I don't regret Ds at all. But the fact that I wasn't sure at the time I got pg has had an effect. It's difficult to explain. I suppose I just accepted that I was pg and got in with it.

I adore ds but did find baby stage really hard. Missed my 1 on 1 time with dd, missed the more relaxed mornings, hated that I was so knackered I wasn't doing as much with her etc

Pseudo341 Fri 30-Oct-15 07:05:57

I have a couple of friends who's relationships ended because apparently their partner didn't want the child after all. One after the first child and one after the second. Both of them heard the line "well you're the one that wanted the child" a lot. You do need to be pretty sure IMO. Your DS is still pretty young, you've got time to think it over some more and have a proper chat about it. You may decide that a slightly bigger age gap is what will suit you better. I have 2, it's lovely, but it's also much harder than 1 in many ways.

SarahSavesTheDay Fri 30-Oct-15 07:07:10

It's obviously an act of madness to add an infant on top of a toddler, I understand your reservations! I closed my eyes to the reality of what it would mean and went for it (like jumping into a cold pool) because I wanted two kids. You won't regret it in the larger sense.

PussCatTheGoldfish Fri 30-Oct-15 07:20:42

Weigh it all up OP.

For me, a combination of knowing I wanted a sibling for our first, and worries about early menopause outweighed the horrible birth and struggles to adapt to being a mum. Personally, I found 1- 2 a much easier transition than 0 -1. It was the right choice for us.

Darkbehindthecurtain Fri 30-Oct-15 07:26:29

This is 'said' nicely Writer and you haven't name changed but I am fairly sure you've left some salient information out of your OP.

Might it not be better to include this so people can advise properly?

LeiaOrgana Fri 30-Oct-15 08:02:20

Weren't you quite poorly during pregnancy with your first? I think I remember you posting that your dh was against having more because the last one was risky. You said it would be fine but he wasn't convinced. Maybe I'm getting you mixed up with someone else, if so sorry!

On the face of it I think not being 100% is ok, as you say it's a MASSIVE thing (going from one to two for me was possibly harder than 0-1, due to various circumstances), and things can always happen to change the situation. However, I think you need to be more sure that your husband's reasoning (either for or against) is sound before going ahead. For example if he's just going along with it because he knows you really want another but he doesn't especially want another one himself, that's not great.

Enjolrass Fri 30-Oct-15 08:17:17

Hmm honestly given your medical history and risks during pregnancy, I can see why sticking at one seems preferable.

In your position I would be think about the impact the risks for another pg could have on the child you already have.

tobysmum77 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:20:26

Why not just chill out, enjoy your lo and see how you feel in 6 months?

Writerwannabe83 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:37:52

darkbehind - what salient points? My health do you mean? I was torn between giving lots of info in my post (which is already long enough) or whether to just collect people's opinions not on whether I personally should have a second child, but hurt that it's ok to TTC when there are some doubts.

I wasn't poorly as such during my pregnancy, I just had to have my medication doses increased but I remained well in myself.

Me and DH were happy to take the risks with my health for DS1 and the risks are no different for any subsequent DC we choose to have.

Me and DH used to say that if we did have a 2nd we would wait until DS was in school but now as I see him growing up so quickly I don't want to wait that long before giving him a sibling.

I know we aren't old but DH is already saying one of the reasons he doesn't want another is because he doesn't want to be an old dad, and so obviously with each year we leave it the older he will get and the more strongly he will feel about being an old dad.

Like I said, I know we aren't old but if we leave it another three years I will be coming up 36 and I know that the older I get the more likelihood there is of problems conceiving and problems during pregnancy.

I genuinely just feel confused about it all. I have my doubts and worries but nor do I want to keep putting it off until it's too late.

At the same time though I don't want to cause any strains on mine and DH's relationship and like a previous poster highlighted, nor do I want him to turn round in the future and say, "Well you wanted another one...." if we ever hit a rough patch.

tobysmum77 Fri 30-Oct-15 08:50:48

You don't need to leave it 3 years though do you? I also think 36 is hardly ancient anyway even if you did.

Darkbehindthecurtain Fri 30-Oct-15 08:53:19

Yes, it was the risks to the child I was thinking of. That's not to say you shouldn't try for a second, at all, but it is a pretty major factor in the decision, surely?

Runningoutofnamesagain Fri 30-Oct-15 08:53:21

It's probably best OP to try and talk things through again with your dh, think it through some more maybe even seek some counselling if you think it may help your decision or see the gp about any medical problems

I understand why you didn't include some info in your op as sometimes you just want an opinion from others based on the bare bones of a situation not other things but due to advanced search there will always be things brought up from past posts

It's a hard decision but one only you and your dh can come to. The best you can do is what's right for you at that particular time and if anything goes wrong try to deal as best you can with it. Fingers crossed though all goes well

Writerwannabe83 Fri 30-Oct-15 09:16:24

Yes there are risks to the baby (cleft lip being the main one) but I'm doing what needs to be done to reduce that risk (5mg of folic acid daily for three months prior to TTC) and lots of women get pregnant knowing their personal situation can cause higher risk of something being wrong with the baby: for example older women having babies knowing their age means their is an increased risk their baby will have Down's Syndrome. There are also lots of couples having babies where either parent has a genetic condition that they know could be passed on to their child.

I'm under Specislist Care, already taking steps to reduce the risk and compared to other potential health risks to the baby that other couples may take I don't think I'm being selfish (for want of a better word, I know that isn't what anyone implied I was) by wanting to take the risk.

The good news is that my cardiac condition is far, far better and I haven't been on beta blockers for over two years now. I came off them once DS was born so I could breast feed him and I haven't had any problems at all. In my last pregnancy I was put back on beta blockers (I came off them to TTC) when I was 20 weeks pregnant and the risk with them is that they can affect the baby's growth but he was 8lb 8oz so definitely no problem there.

I know there's a lot to think about but at the base of my desire is the fact that I don't want DS to be an only child. Me and DH originally agreed we'd just have the one, so his reluctance isn't a surprise as its me that moved the goal posts, but my feelings have so strongly changed.

I've been thinking about the prospect of having another for the last 6 months, having a few light hearted chats with DH to see what he felt about the matter but over the last month in particular I have such a strong and genuine urge to have another one.

juliej75 Fri 30-Oct-15 11:20:08

Ah, I think everyone has some doubts over TTC at any point - 1st, 2nd, 3rd.. Having a baby is such a momentous life-time commitment that you'd be a bit stupid not to have some worries, no?

I also think that your thoughts and situation will change so much over the years that it's impossible to be 100% or even to know if you've made the right decision, once made. You only live once and don't get to trial other possible routes to do a compare and contrast.

If it helps, I had huge doubts about having a third. DH wanted more but told me it was my decision (health issues as well as being main carer for existing children). We went ahead and I love DC3 with the same intensity that I do the older DC. Can't imagine life without the gorgeous little cherub.

But I don't know whether - objectively - it was the 'right' decision, and I never will. Sometimes it's felt like the wrong decision, other times I couldn't be happier with the way things are. As time passes, it feels more and more 'right' so I think things will work out well.

I think it's pretty rare for someone either completely to regret having a child or to think it's unadulterated joy and happiness. Equally, even if you regret not having a child there will also be compensations. Good luck with coming to a decision that you and DH are happy with flowers

trulybadlydeeply Fri 30-Oct-15 11:37:07

OP, I went through a long time of trying to conceive DC3, ended up having IVF, and was fortunate enough for it to work. I then went through several weeks where I was thinking to myself "On no, I'm pregnant, this means I'm going to have a baby, I don't know if I want a baby!" Daft I know. Feelings were even worse when DC3 turned out to be DC3 & 4 grin. Anyhow, what I'm trying to illustrate is that I think people are rarely 100% sure about TTC, whether for the first time, or for subsequent DC. if you go ahead and have another there will be times when you wonder why you did, and why you had DC at all! That is life, and it doesn't mean that it wasn't what you wanted.

I do think that if you feelings are this strong you need to sit down with your DH and be honest about how you are feeling. Also listen to how he honestly feels, and take it from there. Good luck.

hairbrushbedhair Fri 30-Oct-15 12:11:20

I was 100% sure I wanted no1 - fertility treatments etc. Then during pregnancy I wasn't sure I actually wanted a baby and contemplated not having one despite having been sure for years. Thankfully I was in love with him when he arrived.

Feelings are so fickle, emotions are so easily swung when you add in hormones

If it happens - find a way to be happy about it
If it doesn't - find a way to make peace with that

Writerwannabe83 Fri 30-Oct-15 12:20:34

I'm so relieved to see I'm not alone in having these feelings.

TTC was very planned for DS1 as I had to get permission (for want of a better word) off my Neurologist and Cardiologist and from deciding to TTC to actually being able to do it was 4 months of careful preparation, counselling and hospital appointments. We spent so much time getting lost in the preparation of TTC that when we got the BFP it was like "Bloody hell, there's actually going to be a baby" - it was as though we'd forgotten about that amongst all the planning. It was all such a whirlwind.

My husband comes from such a small family, he isn't close to or in contact with any of his relatives so he doesn't understand how wonderful it can be to have a big family. He genuinely sees no need to have more children.

Osirus Fri 30-Oct-15 13:57:36

I'm pregnant with my first, through IVF. I was sure, 100%, but I have worries and said to myself at the start when I had my BFP "what have I done?"! - all day sickness isn't helping!

There will always be worries but if you are BOTH on board you will have support.

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