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Aibu to be pissed that she asked dh for my contact details but hasn't contacted me

(32 Posts)
Madbythesea Wed 28-Oct-15 21:54:43

Talk _Chat
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WWYD BC talk at church1
Today 21:25 Madbythesea

I had breast cancer 4 years ago chemo and a mastectomy. I'm only 36 with 2 young children.
My dh came home from church on Sunday and while he was there another member asked about a tattoo he's got.

Its the breast cancer awareness ribbon with some text around it. He got it done shortly after I was diagnosed. She asked him about it and he told her my story.

Anyway, she then told him that she was a ranging a "talk" about it. While they were chatting DH discovered that she knows of no congregants who have had BC, dh went on to list a few that he knew, mainly because of his very visible tattoo, which causes people to talk to him about it.

So this woman asks him for my contact details as she would like me to come along. She's not contacted me and has sent out an email to all of us about her little talk.

Also, dh had discovered when chatting to her about bc and the wider ranging effects (the trauma that it caused my children, the PTSD I now suffer from having it), that she has no close personal experiences of it.

I'm sort of annoyed, and as most of the congregants are elderly, I'm also annoyed on their behalfs. I'm not sure if I should go or not.WWYD?

PollyGone Wed 28-Oct-15 22:12:21

I'd be annoyed at being used so insensitively. Going along with it would not be an option.

Madbythesea Wed 28-Oct-15 22:31:59

I know but I'm torn between letting her go ahead and misinformation or standing up and telling the truth

Tangfastics Wed 28-Oct-15 22:36:23

I'm not sure I understand.

Is she just involved in the logistics of arranging this talk or giving it herself? Is it to be held at the church or elsewhere?

Bloomsberry Wed 28-Oct-15 22:37:49

What is the 'talk' for - is it something vaguely 'inspirational'/religious/God-bother-y, or actually a factual health information session given by a HCP? Why is she doing it at church? Either way, it sounds as if, for whatever reason, she doesn't want someone who has actually had breast cancer there, which is very strange, and makes me wonder what the nature of this talk is...!

Madbythesea Wed 28-Oct-15 22:44:44

In the church hall. To the congregants about BC on a sun evening. Giving the talk herself. No close family member with BC.
I know 3 people at church who have had it and 2 going through it now.
Its insensitive I'm angry but either want to stop it or stand up during and explain the realities!!!
The vicar doesn't know any of this

Tangfastics Wed 28-Oct-15 22:50:49

I'd have a word with the vicar then. Not sure you can stop someone from hiring the church hall but you could raise your concerns about how she appears to be trying to publicise it.

Tangfastics Wed 28-Oct-15 22:55:47

And what's the content of the talk?

eastwest Wed 28-Oct-15 22:55:57

yanbu - that is weird of her. What are you supposed to be, exhibit A?!

Booyaka Wed 28-Oct-15 22:56:55

I think you might be being a bit over sensitive about this. So it's some sort of information evening right? It sounds like she's trying to be helpful. It's not like she is claiming to be a survivor or a sufferer, which might be worth getting worked up about. It's also possible that as she's aware you have PTSD she might have felt it would be tactless or distressing for you to be asked to talk about it. She might also feel that as the other congregants have not volunteered the information to her themselves that they have BC it would be inappropriate for her to approach them and say 'Oh xxxx tells me you have cancer, will you take part in my talk'.

It doesn't sound like her motives for doing this are not noble. I think perhaps if it's bothering you maybe you should tell her you'd like to take part. She might feel she isn't really in a position to ask anyone to take part.

DoreenLethal Wed 28-Oct-15 22:59:24

Perhaps friday is her admin day.

StickyProblem Wed 28-Oct-15 23:01:14

She's not trying to sell something is she, like some aloe-based cure-all? Like PPs I'm wondering what she's going to talk about.

YANBU to be annoyed. Think about how you feel - do you want to stand up and talk about it, or not? Don't feel that you have to join in and sort this mess out for her.

chillycurtains Wed 28-Oct-15 23:01:25

I would probably talk to the vicar. But you said you have her email address so you could email her and ask what content of the talk will be and what her sources are. You could also offer your help rather than waiting to be asked. You could also say perhaps that there is a load of misinformation out there and having the treatment has made you realise this and want to get her avoid common mistakes.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 28-Oct-15 23:03:49

So - who is she then? Is she a nurse, what is her motivation?

I'm a bit cross with your DH for telling her other people's sensitive information, tbh - I get that they talk to him freely, but he shouldn't then tell all and sundry about their private information, they might not want it widely known that they've had BC.

Bloomsberry Wed 28-Oct-15 23:04:57

But is she a medic of some kind, or holds a job at a BC research charity or something? I mean, if she's a HCP or does publicity for a research charity, she doesn't need to be a survivor of the disease or have a family member with it in order to give a talk. And I suppose it's perfectly possible she doesn't want members of the congregation to feel insensitively produced as 'exhibit A'. I'm still confused as to exactly what the talk's content and intent is, though.

Bloomsberry Wed 28-Oct-15 23:06:45

And yes, I wouldn't be thrilled if my DH was spreading my medical history around total strangers.

Tangfastics Wed 28-Oct-15 23:09:34

OP said the email asked her to the talk, I took that to mean an invite.

Not to be 'exhibit a'.

NoSquirrels Wed 28-Oct-15 23:09:59

Offer to take over the talk? See if any of the other people you know want to get involved too?

Or - ask EXACTLY what the nature of the talk is going to be? And if you don;t appreciate the response, go to the vicar with your concerns. Sounds a bit odd.

Bloomsberry Wed 28-Oct-15 23:15:58

Tang, the OP does say that the woman 'hasn't contacted her' but also that 'she's invited us all to her little talk', which I take to mean that the OP expected something more than a general invitation to be in the audience, like an invitation to speak or something? Which hasn't been forthcoming, which is why she is cross.

Mind you, I am still wondering why someone at a church is giving 'a little talk' on BC, unless she's a medic or medical researcher, in which case I can't imagine they'd call it that...?

Mmmmcake123 Wed 28-Oct-15 23:23:39

BC is your reality and from what you have posted not hers so I understand your annoyance. There could be many reasons why she hasn't contacted you. Did she specifically tell DH she would?
In her inexperience she may have got your number from dh and then as the conversation progressed realised she didn't know enough before speaking with you directly.
Where she is coming from in directing this talk and what she is hoping to achieve by it may help in understanding.
I agree with you all the way in terms of her not even having a clue about who in the congregation may be personally affected.
It almost sounds like she is on an access to health course and has chosen this as a project, without the knowledge, experience or understanding. Either that, or she is trying to be a do-gooder, again without the knowledge, exp, or understanding.
To be fair her motives may be good but her actions misguides. flowers

Mmmmcake123 Wed 28-Oct-15 23:25:01


trollkonor Wed 28-Oct-15 23:25:58

If the vicar doesnt know that would be a good place to voice any concerns.

If its a characteristic type church and she has been given a message from God to share, with dubious theology, there is a weeping sharing section to the end, feel free to share. I am slightly aplogetic for that, I dont like taking the piss of genuine people, who often put themselves out for others. I grew up going to those sort of churches and saw many hideous things from a few. Sometimes genuinly misguided, sometimes up their own arse. I grew up to be an atheist but still retain many christian friends of different persuasions who I respect and love greatly grin

The other option is she is genuinely trying to fundraise and took your details put them in her pocket and lost them. I am so bad about misplacing bits of paper, really I don't know how I coped without smart phones and cloud services. If it's an elderly congregation, could it have anything to do with the free wills week? Or riding on the back of it? I'm not knocking free wills week, so much income for charities is gained through wills. For most people a 2k donation would be a massive donation but a 500 or 1000 out of a total estate is what keeps many charities going.

BackforGood Wed 28-Oct-15 23:48:00

I found your OP a bit confusing, tbh.

'She's not contacted me' / 'she's sent an e-mail out' ??

I'm not sure who she is / what the talk is about / who it is for / what she is talking about confused

Nor am I clear why your dh felt it was OK to gossip about other people in the congregation, who might not want other people told about their cancers. hmm

A lot of Churches have a monthly meeting where people hear speakers on 1001 different subject - often very much based on what anyone is willing to talk to them about, rather than carefully planned in any sort of system. Is it that sort of thing?

I don't understand why you don't speak to her and ask her a little more about it - say you are a bit confused about what she's going to talk about, and does she realise that saying the "wrong" thing could be quite upsetting for any number of people who attend. Or is it more of a 'fund-raising for.....' or 'awareness raising of...' type of evening.

I wouldn't be worked up that someone hasn't contacted you within a couple of days though, no (if that's really the question you want an answer to)

Mmmmcake123 Wed 28-Oct-15 23:57:09

I think it's understandable that op expected a call. OK the person directing the church talk only said she would like op to come along and did send an email. However, the person organising is completely off kilter if she thinks she can get some info from dh, take a number, and then be too busy to make the call. Grrrrr

Mmmmcake123 Wed 28-Oct-15 23:59:37

I think there could be many reasons why she hasn't but if she is in any way promoting Christian values it doesn't show. OP has been told her number has been passed on so a call should be made.

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