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My DMs avoidance of my DSS, so sod her birthday

(140 Posts)
LeafyLafae Tue 27-Oct-15 18:30:13

It's my DMs birthday soon, I thought I'd do something nice for her & her DH (who has recently had stressful health issues) so offered to take them both and my DH out for a lovely meal at a nice restaurant (pay for them), I'd be chauffeur for the evening too.
They were up for it, but a comment came up about how it was mine & DHs weekend to have his DS with us, so would be joining us for the meal too. Suddenly, my DM said she'd prefer it if it was just us 4 and not my DSS.
He's a nice lad, polite (enough, winds his dad up something rotten but doesn't wind up my DM or her DH), college age & is capable of adult conversation.
I feel hurt by my mums attitude towards him. I feel as though she has somewhat thought of him as a drain on us and a nuisance for my relationship with my DH (family holidays to be suitable for everyone instead of the fab romantic island holiday I had hoped for, for example - but I understand what it means to be stepmum and compromises have to be made - thought I had made that clear to her).

I have told DM to make her own birthday arrangements, withdrawing my offer, but feel guilty as hell. It was also partly a gesture for her DH.
AIBU to do this?

MimiSunshine Tue 27-Oct-15 18:35:54

I can see both sides. Forget that he's a step child and just think of him as a teenager.

She's within her rights to say "actually I'd prefer adults only at the meal for my birthday" and would your SS actually want to go?

There's just an ever so slight difference between "lets celebrate your birthday, how about meal out, I'll pay" and "come out for dinner with me and DH (oh and now DSS) and we'll celebrate your birthday"

PotteringAlong Tue 27-Oct-15 18:39:09

A lovely family meal becomes a completely different thing with a teenager in tow. You clearly know this as you've made reference to your lovely romantic holiday becoming family friendly. The thing is that you may have to make those compromises but your mum doesn't. She's raised her children, she's entitled to have an adults only birthday now. I don't think that's a stepchild thing. That's just her right now.

gleam Tue 27-Oct-15 18:40:00

Maybe she doesn't fancy a meal with dss winding up your dh?

WorraLiberty Tue 27-Oct-15 18:41:10

Perhaps there's a reason why she doesn't particularly like him, and she's too polite to say?

Backforthis Tue 27-Oct-15 18:41:33

How old is he? I can totally understand her preferring an adults only meal.

Scarletforya Tue 27-Oct-15 18:44:29

Well, yabu I think.

He's your stepson not hers. It's not like he can't entertain himself, he's a teenager.

Lauren15 Tue 27-Oct-15 18:44:38

I'm with you Op. You sound like a loving step mum. Your dss is part of your family and your mum has to accept that.

SideOrderofChips Tue 27-Oct-15 18:45:35

First off i want to say what a lovely attitude you have as a step mum. Its refreshing to see someone who sees her DSS as part of the family and not to be left out. It is up to your DM depending on how old DSS is, maybe she does just want adults only

MascaraAndConverse Tue 27-Oct-15 18:48:06

She wanted an adults only meal. What's wrong with that?

I think it's a bit harsh to say "sod her birthday" tbh.

AyeAmarok Tue 27-Oct-15 18:48:28

In the same way you'd have preferred a romantic island holiday for two, your mum prefers a birthday dinner with just her own daughter and your husband.

I see what you're saying, and it's nice thatvyou completely accept your DSS. But YABU.

Cockbollocks Tue 27-Oct-15 18:50:26

What aye said

MascaraAndConverse Tue 27-Oct-15 18:53:11

OP just to clarify, are there any other children in your family?

waitingforcalpoltowork Tue 27-Oct-15 18:54:57

do you think she would say the same if they were your children?

i think it's nice you don't want to leave dss out he might feel hurt if on the weekend with his dad everyone fucks off out and leaves him home alone that is not going to make him feel welcome or wanted

op i see your point

Shebangsthedrumsshedoes Tue 27-Oct-15 19:01:37

Yanbu. If he were her grandson she would, I assume, be pleased to have him there. If this would be the case then she is making it clear that she doesn't consider him family. She can not consider him to be her family if she wants but she is IMO making a statement by making this clear. I wouldn't bother going anymore either if I were you, especially if you consider him to be family.

m1nniedriver Tue 27-Oct-15 19:02:07

YABVU in my opinion!! I am in the same situation, my DM and DF have very little to do with my SC. They would most certsinly prefer that I had met someone without children and that I didn't spend my money on someone else's children. They would never be nasty to them obviously but prefer to come round when the children are not there etc. I would never dream of judging them for this and totally respect their feelings, how could you, in all conscience cancel your mothers birthday meal because she would 'prefer it if your SS wasn't there?' She must be gutted!!

jorahmormont Tue 27-Oct-15 19:03:09

If you'd come on here and said "AIBU to leave DSS at home because DM doesn't want him at her birthday dinner", you'd have had people telling you how awful you are.

First rule of AIBU, stepparents are always wrong, OP.

Backforthis Tue 27-Oct-15 19:03:32

I've just noticed the 'college age' bit [bad day] So he's 16+? Would he actually want to have dinner with his SM's parents? I'd have thought most 16 year olds would rather be at home with wifi and a pizza.

Mehitabel6 Tue 27-Oct-15 19:03:57

It looks to me as if she doesn't understand he is your family and sees him as nothing to do with her!

waitingforcalpoltowork Tue 27-Oct-15 19:05:58

he should at least be given the opportunity to decline himself ie dss its mil birthday we are all going out for a meal you're invited ds might say no thanks to that but to say we are going out see you later its a bit sad really isn't it

Hurr1cane Tue 27-Oct-15 19:08:31

I'd say YANBU. My DM is on her fourth marriage! And her H has a son from another marriage and me and DP go out of our way to include him. I have a DS and her DH goes on days out occasionally with him as well.

My half sisters are my sisters, my half brother is my brother, my step brother is my brother. DP treats DS like his own (although takes a back step when his dad is there obviously) and his DM and DF always include DS.

If someone didn't include my DS I would not want to spend time with them (adults only stuff exempt of course)

When you blend families you accept everything. And a college age person is not a small child or young teenager so it's totally different.

As a step child myself my SM has always included me.

Whereyourtreasureis Tue 27-Oct-15 19:15:38

m1nniedriver. my DM and DF have very little to do with my SC. They would most certsinly prefer that I had met someone without children and that I didn't spend my money on someone else's children

shock your parents sound delightful.

SecretNutellaFix Tue 27-Oct-15 19:22:07

I notice that you say your DM DH. So your stepfather? How would she feel if he chose to exclude you from family gathering becasue you were a stepchild?


Osolea Tue 27-Oct-15 19:22:42

I think you're being a bit harsh on your mum. Having a teenager there could easily change the dynamic and there's no reason for your mum to want to spend her birthday with someone else's teenager if she has no real relationship with him.

The stepson has to come first so if course you still need to have him that weekend, but why can't you take your mum out another weekend?

Enjolrass Tue 27-Oct-15 19:27:03

I think it's nice you want to include him.

I think your mum is not bu, though. A teenager who winds his dad up changes the dynamic completely.

It's up to her since it's her birthday. It's kind of seems a bit shitty to tell her that you get to decide who is coming and she doesn't get a say.

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