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To tell my friend her daughter is a bully

(23 Posts)
CarolPeletier Tue 27-Oct-15 16:46:09

My daughter is in class at school with my friends daughter. I really like my friend, she is sweet and funny and I value our friendship.

Initially it was awkward because our daughters seemed to ignore each other at school but its up to them if they are friends. They now seem to swing from being friends to disliking each other.
The issue is, other children and their parents have told me my friends daughter is a bully and given examples of her hitting and being nasty. I asked my daughter and she said it is true, that this girl is horrible to her, kicks her and pinches her and that the only reason they are sometimes friends is because she tries to be nice and 'do what this girl wants' so that she stops hurting her.

My friend has no idea, and has even told me it is her daughter that gets bullied. She has asked to come round with her child, my daughter has said no. Wibu to tell my friend what my daughter, and the other children and their parents say? Not in a we've all been talking about you way, but in a, I'm concerned for our daughters and their friendships... I obviously can't just ignore what my child has told me.
The girls are 8.

laffymeal Tue 27-Oct-15 16:49:00

You would need concrete examples, not just a vague "she's a bully". If she's as bad as you seem to think she is, it's surprising the school or other parents haven't approached your friend to resolve some of the problem.

I think you should probably leave it for the moment. Discussing it all behind her back is a bit crap though.

madmotherof2 Tue 27-Oct-15 16:51:56

I think you need to say something.

I've been in a similar situation, I've made a really good friend with a mum since my youngest started school 2 years ago, we're both at home every day so most weeks we have a trip into town, coffee etc. Our boys unfortunately though don't have the same friendship! Some times they are ok together, other times it's bloody hard work! My friend is under the impression though that her Son is an angel who can do no wrong. He's a nice boy, but he does seem to have problems with the way he is with other children confused. After so long of listening to my friend talking all about poor son who has no friends etc, I had to have a little word. It was horrid but I think things have moved on now

CarolPeletier Tue 27-Oct-15 16:53:48

I know, it came up because I had several girls over and one of them bought it up in front of all the mothers, showing a bruise where she had been kicked. The other children and parents all contributed. My daughter and I were in and out the kitchen getting lunch but I expressed surprise and then asked my daughter about it after they had gone.

CarolPeletier Tue 27-Oct-15 16:55:18

What did you say mad?? I wouldn't know how to bring it up?

Chattymummyhere Tue 27-Oct-15 16:56:58

Something like this happened like this at our school. It wasn't as simple as child X was a bully however X was being bullied by three other children and then lashing out on those not bullying him so although he was being horrible he was not the bully but in fact being bullied. X answer to being upset was to lash out by hitting/kicking (had an older sibling so used to fighting) once the other three children where delt with X stopped hurting the other children. It was very stressful for his mum and me as my child got hit by X but it took awhile for the school to do anything about the 3 children causing the issue in the first place. It's been all good for 2 years now but it seems the one of the three are starting to bully X again and his sadly still not any better at controlling his emotions. His poor mum is struggling as to her his being bullied and to the other parents yet again his being the bully.

littledrummergirl Tue 27-Oct-15 16:58:26

My ds1 was badly bullied in primary for a while. It turned out that a friends Ds was involved, something I discovered when I happened to see evidence.
I showed it to my friend and said that I didn't want to lose her friendship but I needed it to stop and I was sorry that it had happened but my ds1 was entitled to be left alone.
She had a long chat with her Ds, the school did a lot of work 're bullying with the year group and both of our dc gained a very positive outcome from a negative period of time.

My friend and I are still good friends.

Mintyy Tue 27-Oct-15 16:58:59

Your daughter and others who are being bullied need to report it at school! School will then contact your friend, and then she will know.

(I find it very hard to be friends with people when I can't stand their children, just as an aside. I have ditched friends of mine when their kids are 'orrible to mine. I am Tiger!)

catfordbetty Tue 27-Oct-15 17:01:00

Something like this happened like this at our school. It wasn't as simple as child X was a bully however ...

I cannot think of a bullying case I've dealt with that was simple. Have an open mind, OP and tread carefully.

SnookyWookyWooWoo Tue 27-Oct-15 17:02:04

How awful, maybe put yourself in your friends' shoes.

I think Id rather know so I could discuss it and hopefully resolve daughters behaviour. Better that than everyone keep quiet because it may hurt her feelings.

I have no idea how you approach this though - so awkward

good luck op hope it gets sorted soon flowers

BerylCreep Tue 27-Oct-15 17:03:07

Well I've recently lost / stopped a friendship with another Mum because her DD was bullying mine having previously been BFFs.

Having ignored me for months, the Mum invited me out for coffee, did some utterly bizarre things (for example, amongst others, her mobile rang - she asked me to answer it and say I was her secretary hmm, then proceeded to make lengthy unnecessary calls to people when we were having coffee). At the end she launched a complete character assassination of my DD and said mine had been bullying hers. It was clear that she has been encouraging her DD's behaviour towards mine.

The only advice I have is to tread very carefully, and I would be inclined to put some distance in your friendship, as I can guarantee the info will not be gratefully received. Personally I wouldn't say anything.

If anything happens at school, speak to them, they should be dealing with it.

lifesalongsong Tue 27-Oct-15 17:12:34

If it was me I would want to know but I would also want to keep an open mind until I'd spoken to my child and got more evidence, as someone said above these things are often complicated.

madmotherof2 Tue 27-Oct-15 17:13:26

I just had to be honest, we were in the car and my friend said something ( that wasn't nice about my son) so I had to give her some home truths confused, it upset her a little, and I think she's now more likely to look at both sides of the story, as her DS is obviously likely to tell her just his side.

I wasn't mean about it at all, just told her what my Son had said to me or what I'd witnessed. I found it very hard as I hate confrontation ( and she's quite a confrontational person!) but I felt it definitely did us all a favour

zzzzz Tue 27-Oct-15 17:35:39

amongst others, her mobile rang - she asked me to answer it and say I was her secretary hmm, then proceeded to make lengthy unnecessary calls to people when we were having coffee



CarolPeletier Tue 27-Oct-15 17:45:46

Zzzzz that is ridiculous! No wonder her child was behaving as she was. My friend is absolutely lovely, not confrontational, a brilliant mum, truely a beautiful person.

The thing is, my friend has said a few times that she knows her daughter can be mean and not to be afraid to tell her if her child has done something, so on some level there is a knowledge of this side of her daughter.

Of course it's not straightforward, it never is. At the moment I think it stems from jealousy - my daughter is good friends with these other children, they have known each other longer. I wonder if the girl sometimes feels left out - she seems to move from intense friendship to friendship and then be nasty to the girl she has moved on from.

catfordbetty Tue 27-Oct-15 17:51:35

My friend has no idea, and has even told me it is her daughter that gets bullied

The thing is, my friend has said a few times that she knows her daughter can be mean and not to be afraid to tell her if her child has done something


CarolPeletier Tue 27-Oct-15 17:59:48

I don't think she thinks her daughter is a bully, but she does know with my child she can be a bit nasty occasionally and has said to tell her. We had that conversation back when they used to ignore each other and she was concerned.

Enjolrass Tue 27-Oct-15 18:15:22

But her mum acknowledges that she behaves like a bully.

Honestly I would have told the mothers gossiping that they needed to speak to the school.

If I was concerned for my dd I would speak to school and let them deal with it.

Then consider confronting her.

IguanaTail Tue 27-Oct-15 20:23:20

Don't tell her what other parents have been saying - that's hearsay and gossipy.

Two options - either say to her that it's a bit delicate but your daughter has been complaining that hers has been unkind to yours and that you'd rather meet up when they are back at school. Or option 2, make an excuse not to meet up and say nothing. Either way, get the school to deal with it.

gandalf456 Tue 27-Oct-15 22:09:28

I think it's easier to approach the school if it's happening there. This is what I did

MistressDeeCee Wed 28-Oct-15 02:16:41

Id tell the school. Thats what the other mums should be doing also

& I wouldnt force friendship on my DD - its rotten being bullied, so harmful with sometimes lasting horrid memories. Id rather my child wasn't made miserable by having to put up with bullying plus be friends with a bully. It may sound harsh but my child comes 1st and thats that

Senpai Wed 28-Oct-15 02:43:51

I would just tell her what she's doing to your DD. Something like "Unfortunately I can't bring DD, because your DD hits/kicks her and she doesn't like it". Or just discuss it as a problem between you two. The other parents can be adults and complain to the school themselves. Nothing good ever comes of spreading gossip.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions Wed 28-Oct-15 02:52:28

I'm glad that the fact actually your friend may well be right and her daughter is been bullied has been brought up. Just from my own child hood I was bullied mercesly through out my whole school life, and at primary school yes I hit and kicked sometimes pre about 10 I couldn't see much more of a solution, the days I was kept in for punishment were quite honestly a relief. Now I do realise that that may well colouring my view but there must be a reason your friend thinks it's her daughter that's being bullied maybe she's told her mum these children (excluding your daughter) are being mean to her. And actually thinking about it maybe it's mummy so and so was being mean to me so I was mean back. Which is why she's acknowledged that her daughter can be mean.

The thing is bullies are unlikely to tell their parents that actually maybe they were mean to the child that hit/kicked them, so it's hard to go on other parents say so.
"so and so hit me mummy?" No parent is going to go oh why did they do that, and if they do the answer is likely to be nothing. The only one you can really say something about is your daughter. Do they have play dates what are they like together out of school?! Because that was the way my mum and the school knew I was the victim, I didn't want to play with the children that were making my life hell outside school. If your daughter doesn't want to play outside school then yes there's an issue. If she does I'd wonder why she was so willing to play with someone who hit and pinched her.

How old are these children? Your comment about fluctuarating friendships and being nasty to past friends is very common in girls between about 9 and 12. Personalities start to really clash.

Maybe talk to your friend and the school about keeping hands and feet to yourself, meaning no touching of other children.

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