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mil @ xmas

(111 Posts)
selina1925 Tue 27-Oct-15 11:22:18

I have never got on with my mil, she thinks I am needy greedy and lazy.
Earlier this year she was widowed and I was so supportive helping her find a home for my fil who had Alzheimers, getting finances sorted, then organising funeral, probate etc. I did this because I am a nice person and genuinely wanted to help - but I dont want her to come here for xmas! we dont have a spare bed so either we would have to give up our bed or our home from uni son would have to give up his bed - and she is not a joining in sort of person, criticises how much we spend, what we eat what we drink etc etc. She has never bought us presents but makes a bank transfer xmas week! I can see that it would be very stressful. She only wants to do what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. We would have to pick her up and take her home as travelling by train is too expensive!
My OH is torn between being here with us but wanting to support his mum - he suggests having xmas brunch with us then driving 2 hours to hers for xmas dinner and staying over returning boxing day. i think she should either have us over to stay boxing day (my suggestion) or go to stay with her sister. She has remarkable neighbours who would be delighted to have her spend xmas day with them but she announced that she will be coming to ours...

32ndfloorandabitdizzy Tue 27-Oct-15 11:27:22

How many years of a bank transfer- sounds perfect. I would have loved that.

Looking after someone with alzheimers is really crap-it can destroy your sole- maybe she has now had a chance to be her own person - you might like her more.

You have at least 3 adults in your home- I am sure that you can support her after she has lost her OH. Pay for the train as your gift to her- or use some of the bank transfer!

momb Tue 27-Oct-15 11:27:32

YANBU for not wanting the upheaval.
YABU to consider leaving her alone for her first Christmas after losing FIL. Christmas is a family time and it isn't the neighbours' responsibility.

How many siblings does your DH have? Is there any way to set a rota so this year doesn't become a default?

As you are a nice person you are going to have her fro Christmas: it's just a matter of finding ways to simplify the logistics at this point.

Chattymummyhere Tue 27-Oct-15 11:30:03

I wouldn't be doing this half day stuff.

If she comes she can have an air bed, sorry but my bed is my bed and my children's beds are theirs. If she doesn't come and dh spends it at hers so be it have a lovely day with your ds.

WorraLiberty Tue 27-Oct-15 11:35:20

It's her first Christmas as a widow.

Surely your son could give up his bed for his gran for one night?

momb Tue 27-Oct-15 11:35:27

Why not have MIL AND her sister? Book them into nearest Travelodge for Christmas eve/Christmas night and host them in the daytime while they have the nights together but in proper beds?

We do similar with my family (DM and extended group) no spare beds here so they book out the nearest B+B and travelodge, book taxis in advance and we have Christmas together but not the full 24 hours a day commitment.

LetGoOrBeDragged Tue 27-Oct-15 11:38:20

I'm with you OP. I don't see why the OP should have someone in her home who doesn't like her. If mil is an inflexible pita, she has given up any right to automatically be included in the OP's plans.

If you do invite her over, then don't allow her to dictate how Christmas is spent. It's your home - you can spend what you like and cook what you like.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe Tue 27-Oct-15 11:38:23

Agree with Worra.

clam Tue 27-Oct-15 11:38:55

I sympathise, but I think you might have to suck this one up! I hate giving up my bed, but I do so for my parents, because they're in their 80s and I can't expect them to sleep on the floor or dd's rollaway bed. In your shoes, I'm afraid I'd do a deal with University son who, let's face it, has probably slept on a fair few floors since he went away.
I would NOT want dh to bugger off after breakfast there for the rest of the day. Nor, if she comes to you, do you "have" to go along with what she wants to do. Your house, your rules, so you nod and smile and carry on with your plans; she can join in or not as she wishes.


pigsDOfly Tue 27-Oct-15 11:39:12

As far as the bed goes, surely it's only for a short time and if you're son is at uni hopefully he's young and healthy. Sleeping on a put you up bed or even a sleeping bag for a few nights won't do him any harm. I slept in a sleeping bag when I was moving house after I put my stuff into storage and I'm in my 60s.

As pp said there will be three adults in your house apart from MIL, can you between you not jolly her along and ignore her carping. You can't leave her alone and the idea of your poor DH having to drive for 2 hours to her house after brunch just sounds miserable for him.

MizK Tue 27-Oct-15 11:40:07

YANBU not to really want her there, but you should suck it up and have her to stay.
She is your DHs mother. Unless she was actually evil/hateful, there is no way she should be left with neighbours when she has said she wants to be with you.
Maybe you will get on better with her than you expect, maybe she will get on your nerves, but if you are genuinely a nice person, which it seems like you are since you've helped her out a lot, if you don't let her stay your Christmas may be spoiled because you will feel guilty for leaving her out.
Hope it all works out. Let DH do the majority of entertaining/ looking after her, it's really for him to worry about not you. Good luck!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 27-Oct-15 11:42:22

Oo. I was going to say "are you sure she wants to come to you?" when I read that she has announced she IS coming to yours.
Well, I suggest that, since it's her first Christmas on her own, that you do somehow work out a way to accommodate her physically, but as far as everything else is concerned, you do what you've always done, just including her in everything too. Then she has no option on what to do, because you're already doing it your way - she either joins in or misses out.

You'd have to be quite hard about it though - "this is what we normally do on a normal Christmas Day" type thing - and she can choose how to react to it.

What you don't do is allow her to dictate any of it and then seethe in resentment over it. Just do it your way and then it's up to her to join in when she wants to.

MumOnTheRunAgain Tue 27-Oct-15 11:42:37

It's not all about you op..... Her son and grandchildren happen to live there too.

msrisotto Tue 27-Oct-15 11:44:24

YANBU. But also, you don't have to bend to her every whim - being her taxi, doing what she wants, when she wants etc. I personally, wouldn't consider doing long journeys and spoiling xmas day.

zzzzz Tue 27-Oct-15 11:50:39

I'm not sure what the issue is with her grandson giving up his bed for the night for Christmas???? Surely huge numbers of children will be doing the same thing all over the country?
Cash is a nice present and the giver gets to choose. My Granny always gave me £5 and I LOVED IT. As for her gripes about how much you spend just mumble something. Some people are just naturally tactless.

It's Christmas, her first alone after a draining year, be kind.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 27-Oct-15 11:56:14

It wouldn't kill you to have her but would make you the nice person you profess to be.

Your dh clearly wants here there and it's one night.

Get over it and stop snarking about the bank transfer. A gift is a gift you ungrateful thing! And your son will have been happily enduring much worse things than sleeping on the sofa/floor for one night at uni.

I really don't get why you would not do this if your family want her there? confused

Imogenlasting Tue 27-Oct-15 11:56:35

I would really love to hear your MIL's side of this story.

You say you are a 'nice person', but don't want to ask your son to give up his bed for his grandmother who is facing her first Christmas as a widow?

Imogenlasting Tue 27-Oct-15 11:58:49

Also, if she's so difficult and moany how come lots of the neighbours would be 'delighted' to have her for Christmas day?

Axekick Tue 27-Oct-15 12:00:40


Axekick Tue 27-Oct-15 12:01:20

And I would love a bank transfer!!! That's amazing!!

AutumnLeavesArePretty Tue 27-Oct-15 12:02:42

A nice person doesn't over ride their husbands wishes and leave a widow alone for christmas.

Maybe she's right, you do seem to want everything your way.

MythicalKings Tue 27-Oct-15 12:02:46

YABU. Poor woman.

spondulix Tue 27-Oct-15 12:08:22

YABU. Why can't a young man give up his bed for his gran for a night?

ILs and parents can be annoying. But it's Christmas, good will to all, even annoying relatives. I think the bank transfer is a grand idea.otherwise I bet you'd be complaining she gave you socks or mothballs or laundry soap.

waitingforcalpoltowork Tue 27-Oct-15 12:09:13

i think everyone is caught up in the christmas spirit of the thing and are forgetting its the OPs christmas too

Axekick Tue 27-Oct-15 12:11:37

waiting because it's the first Christmas since her husband died, maybe?

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