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To tell MIL she can't stay for a week because I will actually kill her?

(55 Posts)
Lasaraleen Mon 26-Oct-15 08:14:40

I apologise in advance for the length, because I fear this might turn a bit ranty.

MIL drives me insane. She is deeply racist and xenophobic, which comes out enough when sober, but she also drinks heavily which leads to slurred rants on immigrants (one memorable quote "Those asylum seekers don't need them food vouchers, because I've seen them in the supermarket, and they're all fat"). She has at least mostly stopped drinking till she throws up now, but I still haven't forgiven her for the times i've had to clean her spattered vomit up from the bathroom, including once when I got up to feed dd I the night and found the sink covered in dried on sick.

She is the messiest, dirtiest adult i've ever met. Making a cup of tea invariably involves scattering tea and milk all over the kithen and leaving all the cupboard doors open. She leaves little bits of used tissue all over the house (including by the toilet). When she leaves her bed is usually full of mud and crumbs and although obviously I wash the bedding I always feel like I want to fumigate the room before ds goes back in.

She has massive social problems, to the point where she can't actually hold a conversation. She just can't take in what the other person is saying and uses the time they are talking to decide what she's going to say next, which is usually unrelated. With more than one person this is worse - she just can't follow the conversation in any way so over most dinners just gets increasingly drunk and loudly talks over the top of everyone (see rants about immigrants above). This also means she can't interact with the dc at all and they both get increasingly frustrated with each other.

She usually comes to stay for 5 days at a time. This is bad enough. She always comes for Christmas as she is a widow and dh is an only child (and she's fallen out with everyone else she's ever known). That's fine. However, yesterday she announced that she's booked her tickets (totally undiscussed with us) and is coming for a week. I genuinely think I might kill her if she's here that long. So after all that, AIBU to think up an excuse and tell her she can't stay that long? Or just fucking tell her?!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 26-Oct-15 08:19:57

First things first - your DH should be cleaning up after his mother, not you!

Second - if he's not prepared to do that he tells her she can't come for that long.

Third - if he can't/won't do that, then I say go for it.

Sadly it sounds like she will ignore you anyway and turn up for the week regardless. For which I have no advice - sorry.

GruntledOne Mon 26-Oct-15 08:28:18

Can you tell her that you've booked to go to Australia for Christmas?

Purplepoodle Mon 26-Oct-15 08:35:22

I'd say no alcohol in the house after those experiences. Suprised your dh tolerates her - dried on sick - grim

Bullshitbingo Mon 26-Oct-15 08:35:40

Totally agree with milk about getting your dh to clean up after her. Is he aware of how grim her personal hygiene standards are? But that won't save you from the hideous drunken dinner table behaviour. I'd insist that he gets her to change her plans, and if he won't is there any family of yours that you can decamp to for part of the week with the dc? Say it was pre-arranged and unfortunately she can't join you. Leave your dh to keep her company on his own if necessary and maybe he won't be so keen to let her stay so long next time?!

Bullshitbingo Mon 26-Oct-15 08:37:05

flowers and cake for you, she sounds like a nightmare!

HSMMaCM Mon 26-Oct-15 08:37:15

If she does end up coming for a week, I suggest you go away (maybe with DS) for the last few days and come back when all the cleaning's been done.

Uptownfuckuup Mon 26-Oct-15 08:38:02

put her in a hotel ?

HeadDreamer Mon 26-Oct-15 08:40:15

She sounds like a nightmare. Totally sympathised. YABU to not want her in your house at all.

But your DH will probably look at it differently. He's her only child. She's a widow. Ofc he would want her in the house.

I don't know what you could do. Other than getting your DH to clean after her. But will he do it?

My MIL is a nightmare and I try to do as little with her as possible. I usually take the children out and leave DH with MIL. She's also a widow and DH an only child.

Floggingmolly Mon 26-Oct-15 08:41:16

Oh God! That's making me feel queasy envy No idea how to tell her, though; other than vacating your own home and going on holiday... sad

MammaTJ Mon 26-Oct-15 08:58:25

I often wonder how on earth someone so appalling managed to bring up someone that managed to find someone to love them enough to marry!


diddl Mon 26-Oct-15 09:03:18

Does your husband have no say over who stays in the house then?

Surely it's up to him as well?

Of course YWNBU to make sure he cleans up after her and sorts out the room when she leaves.

Damselindestress Mon 26-Oct-15 09:04:07

YANBU! Why on earth isn't your DH dealing with her, in terms of cleaning up after her or telling her she can't stay? She's his mother. The real problem here is his lack of support, he needs to put his foot down and stand up for you. If he insists on her visiting I would say that either she books into a local hotel for the duration of her stay or you do. This has gone too far, you shouldn't have been expected to put up with her after the sick in the sink incident. Her behaviour is unacceptable.

MeridianB Mon 26-Oct-15 09:08:41

OP, that's awful. YADNBU.

What does your husband do to help? What does he say to you or her about her behaviour? Are her racist comments silenced?

How would she react if there was no alcohol in the house? Would she go and buy it?

BinToHellAndBack Mon 26-Oct-15 09:16:54

The low level things like mess making a cup of tea etc you just need to suck up - the annoyingness of it has been magnified against a background of all the other horrible rubbish.

What about you or your DH (whoever she'll listen the most to perhaps!) explaining to her that the drinking has a big impact on you all, especially cleaning up puke, being unable to hold a conversation, and the racist rants. Tell her she is very welcome to stay with you but there will be a one-hit policy with regard to getting totally off her face, and that she will have to book into a local B&B and do daytime visits if she can't stick to it.

She sounds very unwell and in need of support, but providing your home as a place to vomit over doesn't help her in the slightest and is very unfair on you and your family.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 26-Oct-15 09:19:05

Get DH to tell her no. Arrange some alternative plans to soften the blow if you must.

NotTodaySatan Mon 26-Oct-15 09:19:45

Is your MIL Mrs Twit?? shock

YANBU. I wouldn't let her across my threshold. B+B or don't bother coming.

Unreasonablebetty Mon 26-Oct-15 09:25:26

Wow, she sounds rough. MIL or not she would not be staying in my house after spewing in the sink and leaving it there.
Can she stay in a hotel?

DinosaursRoar Mon 26-Oct-15 09:29:17

YANBU - but I can't see that she's going to respond to you talking to her about it, if she's one of those who doesn't listen to what people says.

I would talk to your DH and say no to her staying a week - no more than 2 nights, and how does he want to fix this - he could tell her you are going away, so she can't stay - but you risk that she'll say no problem, she'll stay at your house alone, a better idea might be that someone else is coming to stay so she can't stay that long (can you arrange your parents to visit?), and needs to book into a B&B or change her ticket. (can you afford to pay for either the B&B or a new ticket? It might be hte best solution if your DH doesn't want to upset his mum).

The problem with saying the DH has to do all the cleaning and deal with the mess, is if he was brought up by his Mum, he probably doesn't see her behaviour or dirtiness as that big a deal - you keep higher standards, but that doesn't mean his mother's are terrible - if it's his 'normal' it therefore less likely to be an issue for him.

MadGrumblyGnome Mon 26-Oct-15 09:30:03

God, poor you. Am I right that she's coming for two extra days than normal? I'm with previous posters, you are totally within your rights to say that's too long, but your DH should be stepping up to tell her or find a better solution.

She sounds awful! I have a pretty racist elderly relative and have started just loudly and blatantly disagreeing or questioning everything racist she says. Cue pursed lips and fewer comments. But then my relative doesn't drink like your MIL confused

CruCru Mon 26-Oct-15 09:30:27

That sounds absolutely awful. Can you not go to your parents for Christmas?

Fairenuff Mon 26-Oct-15 09:32:01

I wouldn't have her at all OP. But that's me. I expect you will do nothing and she will come for a week because no-one will tell her othewise sad

CheesyNachos Mon 26-Oct-15 09:34:00

Oh Lord. Nightmare.

What does DH think? Does he see any issues as well with her behaviour. You could team up and have a strict no alcohol policy fora start. But he ought to address her behaviour with her - is he able to do that? (It's easier said than done!).

OnlyLovers Mon 26-Oct-15 09:44:02

Tell your DH to tell her she can't come. If he objects, say that his other option is to look after her himself while you and the kids go elsewhere.

Zero tolerance.

ifonly4 Mon 26-Oct-15 09:45:45

My DM isn't easy (not as bad as your MIL though), so I know where you're coming from. It's a very tricky one, you have to be careful not to upset and have an uncomfortable row on your hands.

DH needs to help you tidy up after MIL. Xmas is stressful without having extra work to do.

Do you have any friends or anything you'd like to do together near Christmas, so you could plan to go out even if MIL is staying and she has to be left at home? At least you get a few hours break.

As you have DCs, that a fantastic excuse to tell her you're limiting alcohol the comsumption of alcohol around them as you want to set a good example. Decide now on what suits you and tell her what you're thinking before she comes. ie, maximum of one bottle of wine a day or if you drink more Xmas Day you'll have days where you don't drink. If you yourselves like a tipple in the evening, tell her you'll be having this but the limit will be one. If she breaks this, then you can tell her it's not acceptable if she wants to come in the future.

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