Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

To have lost my shit with dd2?

(99 Posts)
Littlefluffyclouds81 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:33:21

Ok I think I probably was. But I'm exhausted.

Dd2 has zero contact with her father (through a court order). She is 5. I don't have much in the way of support from family or friends. I love the bones of her but find her completely fucking exhausting. Because I'm all she has our relationship is very intense and I find it hard to cope with sometimes.

She can't bear it if I talk to other people, for example if I'm sitting talking to a friend she will physically stand in between us and block the conversation, having to tell me something super urgent about shopkins or something, that apparently can't wait. She does this whenever I try to talk to anyone. Same goes for conversations on the phone, she'll go from not wanting to speak to me to all of a sudden having 1001 urgent things to tell me.

Tonight's particular episode - we have been out all day together doing stuff, she's had my full attention. I start talking about bedtime and she tells me she wants to sleep in my bed. I told her no (because she is a complete pain in the arse to sleep next to), I'm tired and just want a night in my own bed without being kicked etc every thirty seconds. So she goes nuclear at this, which started the next power struggle of trying to get her up the stairs. I went upstairs and asked her to come up, after various threats etc she made it, but after cleaning her teeth she claimed to be incapable of walking the last 2 metres to her room. She wanted me to carry her and I said no because I had a bad back. Cue 5 minutes of her screaming at me, so I told her if she wasn't in her room by the time I counted to 3 she wasn't getting a story. She gave me a defiant look, I counted to three, then put her in bed and turned the light off and left her screaming. She's asleep now but I feel like a shitbag.

It's like this a lot of the time. Endless power games and her trying to dictate what happens. Probably quite normal 5 year old stuff but what's hard is the endlessness of it. She goes to school and I miss her, then I pick her up and within half an hour she's driving me nuts. I am studying so even when she's at school I don't get time to myself. I can't think about having a relationship, partly because I'm depressed and not in the right place, and partly because I hardly ever get any time away from her so it's not logistically possible. I've accepted that's just how it is but bloody hell its hard work doing this 365 days a year.

Leavingsosoon Sun 25-Oct-15 21:36:40

Honestly, it doesn't sound like normal 5 year old stuff to me?

Sounds like she could do with some support.

TeamBacon Sun 25-Oct-15 21:37:32

Doesn't sound like you lost your shit at all, sounds like you handled a tantrum really well. X

mommy2ash Sun 25-Oct-15 21:38:45

My dd is eight and I have always raised her on my own. I would never have described our relationship as intense. She does like to sleep with me but understands I need me time. I think before it gets to the point where you are overwhelmed you need to set boundaries and get her to understand it's ok for you to have a conversation with another person or have some quiet time. I think a lot of this is regular kid stuff though and no reflection on you being a single parent

Littlefluffyclouds81 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:40:34

What do you mean by support, leavingsosoon?

DragonsCanHop Sun 25-Oct-15 21:40:44

cake and brew time for you!

You didn't lose your shit with her, she pushed your buttons that's all. It's been a long day with that extra hour today hasn't it?

I can't read that you have done anything that I don't do all the time here wrong. You warned her and then carried it out. Doesn't make it any easier though smile

wibblypig1 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:41:29

No advice really, just to say that I have a 4yr old and she is very intense - I can't leave the room without her following me and it drives me nuts! I am married with a younger DD and I find it OTT at times, with family close and inlaws very keen to help out, so I'm impressed you're generally keeping your cool. flowers
Good luck, hope someone is along with better advice soon. You're not on your own

lavent Sun 25-Oct-15 21:42:05

I am also a single parent and kids have zero contact with their father. I have no family and friends not close-by.
I have a volunteer from HomeStart come once a week for 2 hours to help me with the kids. She is fab!
Could this be something to look in to in your area?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:42:13

Don't sound like a shit bag at all.

You implemented some firm boundaries, which kids need.

She sounds like she is really tired to me.

ouryve Sun 25-Oct-15 21:42:46

She wanted me to carry her and I said no because I had a bad back. Cue 5 minutes of her screaming at me, so I told her if she wasn't in her room by the time I counted to 3 she wasn't getting a story. She gave me a defiant look, I counted to three, then put her in bed and turned the light off and left her screaming.

You've done nothing wrong here. You were both exhausted. It probably couldn't have panned out any other way.

I am reading between the lines, here, but I get the impression you find it hard to be firm with her when she's interrupting or being otherwise difficult. So maybe you putting your foot down about her acting out at bedtime came as a shock to her because you feel guilty when you do put your foot down when she's being demanding, so you're not as consistent as you could be.

It's hard to get it perfectly right even when you're not alone and exhausted, btw flowers

ouryve Sun 25-Oct-15 21:43:40

She wanted me to carry her and I said no because I had a bad back. Cue 5 minutes of her screaming at me, so I told her if she wasn't in her room by the time I counted to 3 she wasn't getting a story. She gave me a defiant look, I counted to three, then put her in bed and turned the light off and left her screaming.

You've done nothing wrong here. You were both exhausted. It probably couldn't have panned out any other way.

I am reading between the lines, here, but I get the impression you find it hard to be firm with her when she's interrupting or being otherwise difficult. So maybe you putting your foot down about her acting out at bedtime came as a shock to her because you feel guilty when you do put your foot down when she's being demanding, so you're not as consistent as you could be.

It's hard to get it perfectly right even when you're not alone and exhausted, btw flowers

Leavingsosoon Sun 25-Oct-15 21:45:22

I don't know, little, it just sounds to me like she's petrified of you not being there and that's coming from somewhere. I'm not blaming you at all, obviously - just that she seems to be 'telling' you something.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Sun 25-Oct-15 21:46:06

Ffs leaving sounds very standard 5 year old behaviour ive no idea what you are trying to get at?
And OP you sound like you are doing a fantastic job.

Jojay Sun 25-Oct-15 21:46:35

I'm not a single parent but my 4yo DS is so like that, and to a lesser extent his twin sister too.

It's exhausting, you have my sympathies. I have a 8 and 6 yo too who are so laid back in comparison.

I think some kids are just higher maintenance than others. It's so draining though, the endless negotiation, DS hardly ever just do as I ask - if I give him a biscuit he wants two, if I want him to get dressed then he'll want to do something else or the clothes will be wrong etc, and he's so loud when he kicks off!

Sorry, I've got no words of advice but you have my utmost sympathy - kids like that are such hard work!

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Sun 25-Oct-15 21:48:34

Sounds like she is pushing the boundaries as many children this age do.
Hell my DD is 10 and would still be attached to the placenta if she could and tries to demand my attention and gets arsey if I leave her.

DisappointedOne Sun 25-Oct-15 21:48:40

Is she 5 or 5.5?

Littlefluffyclouds81 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:50:25

She was kidnapped by her father at 19 months and at the time that changed her behaviour massively - she went from being fairly independent as far as 19 month olds go to crying if I left the room, and crying when people she didn't know came round. But that was a long time ago and she's actually more than happy to go to school or activities without me, so I'm not sure it's that.

It sounds very like my four year old. Sounds like you handled it as well as any of us could. Relax tonight. Go easy on yourself.

Littlefluffyclouds81 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:51:18

She is 5 and 3 months

AvaCrowder Sun 25-Oct-15 21:51:39

You don't sound like you really lost it to me. Of course it's not ideal to end the day at odds, but tomorrow is a new day.

Do you think it would help to have her friends from school round for tea? Then you could let them get on with playing and chatting, setting an example?

Your dd sounds normal to me, five year olds can be a bit annoying, more than four or six year olds, in my experience.

If she is dd2 where is your other one?

X posts. That must have been horrendous for both of you. Have you had counselling / support over that?

Littlefluffyclouds81 Sun 25-Oct-15 21:52:37

I just felt so shitty listening to her wailing herself to sleep saying 'I want a story!'. I always read her a story.

BrandNewAndImproved Sun 25-Oct-15 21:53:52

You didn't lose it and your not a bad mum. You followed through with the consequences you warned about. That's what your supposed to do.

imwithspud Sun 25-Oct-15 21:54:34

I have a 3 yo dd who can be very similar to yours at times. It honestly sounds like you did nothing wrong. You gave her a consequence for her actions if she continued with her behaviour, and then followed through with it. I would and have done exactly the same and yes, sometimes it involves screaming and tantrums but at the same time they need to learn that there are consequences for their behaviour and that they simply cannot get what they want all the time. I know if my 3yo requested we carry her to bed one night (illness aside of course), then she no doubt would expect that sort of thing every night which would then result in another struggle in itself.

This parenting malarkey can be so hard at times, it's a very guilt-ridden journey I've found. I totally understand how you feelcakethanks

AvaCrowder Sun 25-Oct-15 21:55:58

Massive xp. How awful. How long was she away from you? Is that why her father doesn't get to see her? What sort of person does that.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now