Aibu or is dh selfish?(35 Posts)
So we have 5 month old twins, they don't sleep any longer than 3-4 hours in the nights. I'm still on mat leave so obviously imdoing the majority of care. Dh is great on the weekend he encourages me to get some rest etc.
The thing is he works long shifts during the week usually around 12 hours, so for the whole week I get no help, no opportunity to catch up on sleep etc. dh will put washing in the machine and maybe do the dishes.
Ok so aibu to think that even though dh is working he could take over for a few hours once or twice a week?
Definitely yanbu! You. Must be on your knees. Are they in the same routine so you could theoretically nap when they do?
At the minimum he should be picking up lots of hours work when he gets home. Making dinners and lunches, cleaning etc.
So as not to drip feed we don't have any family support as my parents live in oz and dh's parents are the other side of the country so we don't see them much.
Yanbu. And unless his job involved surgery, working on the roof, lots of driving or operating dangerous machinery he should be doing some of the night work during the week too.
Yeah, with twins you need both people pulling over time. He should be helping when he gets home. DH gets home knackered some days and he still takes DD for an hour or two before she has to go to bed.
What time does he leave and return home? Could he stay up til late or get up a couple of hours before he normally does if they wake?
He's obviously got the picture that he needs to step up at the weekend, so he doesn't sound like a hopeless case who won't get it.
Have a word with him about what the weekdays are like for you and how much more than 12 hours per day you are working. Broken nights are so much worse than just slightly shorter nights also.
The problem is that your dh can't limit what he is doing to what he feels he can manage when that leaves so much left over for you to do. There is a total amount to be done and you have to split it fairly. That means the working parent can just say "I'm tired" during the week if it puts an unreasonable burden on the other person.
It must be hard for both of you with twins and no family near. This early phase will pass. That doesn't mean your dh doesn't have to step up but just to say it won't be like this forever!
Surely he's not doing 5 12 hr days a week? Or is he doing lots of overtime or including travel time. But even if working 7x1900 hrs there's time to do a wash/ hoover etc. I did 12hr days this week and still had time to see my kids/ do dinner on my working days
I do not have twins but I imagine that domestic chores are pretty impossible if you are dealing with 2 babies all day, not just one?
He needs to pull his weight at home. Working 12 hours a day? Well you are working 20 hours a day if they only sleep 4 hours. That's not fair is it?
He must have longer rests during the week too, so he should definitely pick up on chores and some time with the babies at least to let you sleep.
How long will you be on ML? Have you discussed how you will split house work and children's duties?
He is good around the house on his days off and brilliant with the babies.
I think I would just really love for him to say I'll stay up until the next feed you go and get a few hours.
They are happy little babies who don't cry much so that makes it easier and I know they'll soon grow out of this, I'll be posting about twin teenagers in the blink of an eye
He needs to be doing more. Loading the washing machine and maybe doing the dishes isn't pulling his weight. Are you cooking too? When DD was a newborn and we'd run through our frozen meals DH would bring dinner home with him so I didn't have to cook, it was a lifesaver.
It was difficult with a newborn and a lively toddler, I can't imagine the exhaustion that comes with having twins.
Sometimes we do need to spell it out and ask specifically for them to take over so we can rest. He may not realise how tired you are if he sleeps through.
If he resists, then it's a different thing.
He needs to give a bit more in the week...what on earth would happen if you were ill and you WILL be if you keep on like this you only have so much to give yourself! He can have sick leave...you can't!!!!
Yanbu - but if you haven't said you'd love him to stay up and cover feeds so you can sleep you are not giving him the steer he needs. If he does dishes, cleans at weekend (believe me that is the only time my house gets cleaned) and mans washing mashine he sounds as though he knows he needs to pull his weight, he judt doesn't realise you need a bit more than he is currently doing.
12 hours is long especially if he is commuting too.
I would just concentrate on getting him to sit with the DCs when he comes in. You cook or clean or eat or take a shower.
is he getting loads of sleep eg 7+ - then at the beginning of the week he could help late evening.
Not sure of your financial situation, but could you get some help in? I know a mother with twins who has someone in who helps her out with the housework, and is also happy to hold a baby for a couple of hours a week. Gives her a chance to shower. Very bespoke role though ...I feel for you, it is rough going. We live nowhere near family too.
I would ask him.
if your OH is anything like my husband you actually have to ask for exactly what you want.
When my last DD was born my husband was up for work at around 5.30 AM and DD used to get up at 5 am for her feed.
Initially I was getting up for that and then waiting for the older DC to wake up to sort them out.
I asked him if he could get up a little earlier then I could sleep until 7AM when the other woke up.
It worked well for us.
He used to leave me a little note every morning too saying how many ounces she had had and it was lovely.
He didn't mind at all, (in fact I think he enjoyed the time with just him and DD) but he never would have thought of it himself.
Just ask your DP what you would like him to do. He might suprise you. He sounds like goodun!
He sounds like he is doing a lot already what with 12 hour shifts. What are his hours?
You don't want to be getting into competitive tiredness conversations or whose tiredness is more important or whose tiredness is justified.
It is pretty simple, you are tired, you need more sleep, tell him that and discuss what you can both do to make that happen.
My DH used to come in after 11-12 hours commuting/work, make me dinner, then take DD until 1 or 2am so I could get some sleep. So it definitely seems like your DH could be doing more.
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.
I have seen how stressful raising twins can be in the early years. Do not play the 'fault' game to gain points over eachother.
You are both working incredibley hard, you need to acknowledge each other's efforts and work out a balance that recognises your mutual contributions
Dh isn't being selfish and ynbu. You just need to have a chat of what you need from him during the week. Sounds like he's already stepping up on weekends even after his busy week so I doubt it'll take much of chat for him to see you need extra support in the week too. Are your twins in the same pattern of waking? If not could you aim to at least get them waking/sleeping at the same time - my friend use to wake the other twin up if one was awake so that they would at least be in the same pattern so when they slept she really could sleep too. iyswim.
He could do more, but he sounds like a reasonable and decent man, so have you tried just asking him?
I had twins when my DS was 3. Twins were in scbu for weeks but once they were both at home we took a baby each overnight so we both got some sleep. Ihad all three dc during the day while DH was at work.
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