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aibu to find motherhood so bloody hard

(22 Posts)
sltorres9 Thu 22-Oct-15 15:15:58

If you've seen my previous threads you'll know I had a huge trauma in giving birth. But why 16 months on is it still so hard? Why am I consider if drinking vodka at 315pm?
I took my son for a walk without the pram, just as we were getting home he wanted to go a certain way and I was coaxing him going no c'mon we have to go home, he took a tantrum, started smacking me and now every time he looks at me he screams and runs to me to hit me sad what am I doing so wrong?
I failed at giving birth now I fail at being a mother sadblush

Babytookacupwoo Thu 22-Oct-15 15:19:51

What is it that you're finding hard?

LisbethSalandersLaptop Thu 22-Oct-15 15:22:10

oh my son was like that at that age...
Listen you have not 'failed' at giving birth nor at being a mother. Just nobody tells you how hard it is. They are all just tied up in the idealistic view of it.
Hang in there OP. Have you thought about a nursery place for him for a couple of mornings perhaps?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Thu 22-Oct-15 15:22:39

Feed him and put him down for a nap.

Sounds like the walk has tired him out.

Everybody has a bad day.

Then creep in and look at him all cute and asleep...

angemorange Thu 22-Oct-15 15:23:22

You aren't doing anything wrong - that's totally normal toddler behaviour!

He wouldn't kick off if he didn't feel safe acting out with you, and he's probably tired after his walk.

My DS never had daytime naps and I remember it was hard work during the toddler years and I often thought of gin smile

If you really feel low set him somewhere safe (playpen/cot) with a few of his toys and take 5 mins outside to clear your head. flowers

DrasticAction Thu 22-Oct-15 15:24:44

Op we all feel like this at times, just remember they change so quickly. When your in the trenches you think it will be like this forever more, it wont be.

each stage comes with its own rewards and problems. You just need to tool up, on distraction techniques ( no 1 weapon) have a toy, chocolate, biscuit whatever will grab his attention in your pocket for these moments...bribary, etc etc.

Op its bloody hard, its grinding!

coffeeisnectar Thu 22-Oct-15 15:26:07

You aren't a failure at all.

Toddlers are, as a rule, like small teenagers. Selfish, self obsessed and prone to wanting to do things their way, on their own and no matter what you say or do, they will remain steadfast. Teens show their anger by slamming doors, stomping off to their room and playing music while snapchatting their mates about their shit parents. Toddlers lash out physically because they can't verbalize their anger or needs. Sometimes they lay down on the floor to do this, most often on pavements or in shops because they didn't get their own way.

All I can suggest is a parenting course which teaches ways to deal with his behaviour and teaches you how to change your own when he kicks off. I learned (after strops galore) that sometimes you should let them do what they want providing you say yes first time and not after you said no. So if you have time then walk the other way, if you think he can't get hurt then let him climb on a wall etc. But consistency in your behaviour should wean him off hitting you and he will learn no matter what he does you mean no.

Sounds like a clever boy, walking all that way, strong mind and I bet he gives lovely cuddles.

My kids are 17 and 10 and I'm still learning. Parenting is not easy, just put the bad days behind you and concentrate on the positives. I bet you're a great mum.

sltorres9 Thu 22-Oct-15 15:35:18

Thanks everybody, aibu was probably not the place for this but I'm literally on my own with nobody to talk to.
I just find it all so hard, I don't know how to deal with him when he takes a tantrum, he's only 16 months should he be doing that at his age?! I feel like I have no patience, he can't talk which I also feel like is my fault Incase I don't spend enough time talk ing to him. I feel guilty for feeling lonely, I feel guilty for having no friends or friends that have babies that he could be around sad

laffymeal Thu 22-Oct-15 15:37:29

Give yourself a break. Everyone feels like this at some point, please don't think you're alone. I found the early years horrible. It does get better.

sodonewithit Thu 22-Oct-15 15:47:30

I don't have any advice but just wanted to offer support. I love being a mum but some days it's bloody hard and I want to pack a bag and run back to my single baby free life. My 16 month DS is going through a terrible stage of tantrums and hitting me. In fact as I type he is bouncing on my back and has just cracked me over the head with bloody iggle piggle. Another failed nap time sad

angemorange Thu 22-Oct-15 15:55:14

If you are feeling isolated could you look at some Mums & Toddlers Groups in your area or ask your Health Visitor for a list?
Most churches will have some sort of groups. I went to two when DS was little and it can help break up your day if nothing else.

MrsBartlettforthewin Thu 22-Oct-15 15:58:03

Op you are not failing at being a mum, toddlers are bloody hard work. With the not talking thing don't stress over it my 18 month old has only really started verbalising things in the last month or so but was walking by the time he was 10 months. Clearly your 16 month old has being focusing on his motor skills and will get to the talking when he's ready but if you are really worried about it talk to your health visitor.

Are there any local toddler groups you could go to so he gets a run around with kids his age and you get some time to sit down and meet some rl mums? A lot of the churches round by me run baby/toddler groups, might be a place to start. It'll all be okay flowers for you and tonight when he's in bed have wine and remember this will pass.

guajiraguantanamera Thu 22-Oct-15 16:19:27

Please don't feel that you failed at giving birth. I know it really doesn't help when people say that "as long as he's healthy that's all that matters", and I know not having the birth you always pictured feels like you are in someway a failure, but you DID give birth to him, you are the reason he is here.
Nothing prepared me for how hard it would be- labour, the feelings of guilt that it didn't go to plan, and then the sleepiness nights that follow. I think everybody just muddles through the early years in their own way (I haven't experienced it yet, but from what I have read on here!) and I have yet to come across anybody that says that it doesn't get easier..
You sound knackered and stressed, just remember that he DOES love you and you are a good mum.

Justmyluck1 Thu 22-Oct-15 16:30:22

Op I think on balance 16 months is the worst possible age in the whole world.

Yes we all feel like a failure and we all get to the end of out tethers with toddlers.

It gets better love. Honestly. Be kind to yourself and don't set yourself ridiculously high standards.

If he's fed/clean/and full of beans he's fine.

Keep posting. You are amongst friends here. wink

Gottagetmoving Thu 22-Oct-15 16:30:29

You are not a failure, you are just a Mum finding things overwhelming sometimes.
Toddlers can be really challenging but sometimes you need to be firm. Don't be coaxing him, be firm and don't accept him hitting you in temper. You have to get down to his level and tell him firmly 'No, you do not hit mummy!' Of course he will cry but it won't damage him.
They kick off more if they don't feel you are in control of a situation.
You are probably doing a lot better than you realise.

HackerFucker22 Thu 22-Oct-15 16:38:07

It could well be frustration as he can't express himself.

My DS was a "late" talker. I think he was 22 months before he was actually talking. He is almost 3 now and has an outstanding vocabulary..Please don't worry about his speech yet. That said maybe a speech group (It's called Chatterpillars here) may be an idea for the social aspect.

I had a very long labour first time, albeit a good delivery considering and some days I felt as though I'd been hit by a bus with the enormity of it all. In fact since about 18m I've struggled a lot more than I ever did when DS was a baby. He was a good baby though.

It's overwhelming and can be incredibly lonely. I was never a fan of groups but if you are quite isolated they may help? Also getting our every day is important..We had 3 days in recently and I was ready to hit the vodka at 9am!!

HackerFucker22 Thu 22-Oct-15 16:38:46

Getting out everyday.

PastaPrincess Thu 22-Oct-15 16:39:38

Oh I could have written this 11 months ago. I had a horrible birth experience which in retrospect really tainted my enjoyment of the first 18 or so months. Is counselling an option for you? I found that really helpful.

I'm finding myself bonding with DS now that he's nearly 2 and we can have a (limited) conversation and really play together. 13 months is rough, they want to do lots but don't have the attention span to see anything through so it can be exhausting.

wine for you OP

Mummamayhem Thu 22-Oct-15 16:43:08

Definitely escape the house every day, groups are good because it's a change of scenery for your LO (and they'll be ready for lunch and nap after) and you'll see you're really not the only one with a toddler who likes a tantrum. Promise.

ledgeoffseason Thu 22-Oct-15 16:44:06

I found 16 months - about 21 months the hardest! I would stand in lovely parks as the beautiful winter sun went down and feel so sick at not feeling grateful and have tears in my eyes at how hard and boring and isolating I found it! And yet the other day someone was saying 'god you do it all so WELL, i find it so HARD' - haha I had always been thinking the same about her. My sister and I always laugh because we think people walking past are saying 'oh how LOVELY, what lucky privileged mums to be spending so much time with their delightful children' while up close we are really going 'NO! NO! Stop it! Don't do that/touch that/hit me/ hit yourself/bite them' and in our heads going 'AARGH I can't TAKE this any more'. Today my really very adorable pfb shamed me by lying on the floor in a cafe howling, everyone gave me tutting looks, not one said a kind word. It is hard! But it gets better! Fed and not dead is sometimes the best ambition to have for them. Be kind to yourself!

ILiveAtTheBeach Thu 22-Oct-15 16:51:47

What do you do when he hits you? I think you have to nip that in the bud asap. Be very stern with him. You are in charge, not him.

Aside from that, parenthood is really really hard. And the thing is, no one ever tells you this up front! A lot of women don't like to say they're struggling, even though they are feeling just like you. It's bloody exhausting. Just hang on in there. It does get much easier (I promise). Mine are 18 and 17 now, and it's bliss.

There are some good blogs you could follow. Try this one I sent to my sister, who has a toddler:

Chin up. I;m sure you're doing great flowers

ShebaShimmyShake Thu 22-Oct-15 17:07:00

If memory serves, you haven't got any support...correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall your child's father is useless and your mother isn't much help either. Everyone finds motherhood hard but the women who are doing it all by themselves (and that can certainly include married or partnered ones) unsurprisingly struggle the most.

I think I saw you in another thread telling a woman she was being unreasonable because she was angry that, while on maternity leave, her partner was doing slightly less than sod all to help her, thinking that because he was going to work he was the only one allowed to be tired at the end of the day. That was pretty illuminating of the kind of standards you seem to have imbibed.

You need some practical help. I'd suggest seeing your doctor to start with.

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