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to expect a congratulations for giving birth

(47 Posts)
stickytoffeeface Thu 22-Oct-15 09:02:40

My dh sister lives a a fair few miles from us and her family. She got married a couple of years ago but apart from dh, none of her other siblings nor her parents were there as she doesn't speak with them.

For this reason, I understand why she has not travelled up here to see our baby. It is a long drive and we don't have a spare room for them to stay in. However, we received no card on the birth of dd a few months ago and not even a congratulations on facebook (dh texts and her sometimes but I do not have her number). Now, I don't live my life on facebook but was so amazed by the fantastic little life I'd created I wanted everyone to see! So posted a photo of dd when she was a few days old. But I had no message to say congratulations, even though she does sometimes put up holiday pictures etc and annoyingly, I've noticed, occassionally remarks on photos of children she knows. So she has the means of communicating with me if she wants to.

Aibu to just expect something from her? I haven't mentioned it to my dh as I don't want him to know its upset me, although I probably should, not to stir anything up but I just wonder what I've done for this great, happy news to be ignored?

reni2 Thu 22-Oct-15 09:21:56

YABU, it just isn't very important to her. I wouldn't expect it if you don't normally communicate much. You don't need this baby validated by people you aren't close to.

I have no idea who did and who didn't congratulate me back then. Enjoy your baby and congratulations flowers.

PeppasNanna Thu 22-Oct-15 09:22:01

Its a shame the familt dynamics are as you describe. Its a real shame she has no interest in your baby and hwr own relative.

But, you dont have a relationship with her. Why would she suddenly be intetested?

I wouldn't worry too much. Let it go. Enjoy your baby.


Dontunderstand01 Thu 22-Oct-15 09:25:42

I would feel hurt by this too. But she must have her reasons, however spurious or unfair they may be. I am sure there are lots of wonderful people in your life who will dote on your dc. Focus on them and enjoy their genuine affection for your child. I speak with bitter, bitter experience. And yes SIL I mean you! wink

ReallyTired Thu 22-Oct-15 09:29:32

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby.

I don't know you and I doult I we will ever meet. Or if we do meet you won't know me from mumsnet. It is basic manners to congratulate someone on the birth of a new baby. I don't think you are unreasonable.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Thu 22-Oct-15 09:35:25

She probably did say congratulations to your dh.

You aren't close and have no real means of communication with her, so I do think YAB a bit U to expect her to go out of her way to get a personal message to you when she has been messaging your dh.

MackerelOfFact Thu 22-Oct-15 09:46:49

Congratulations! flowers

YABU a little though, sorry. You don't know what's going on in her life, she may be struggling with TTC or MCs, or she may just not have any interest in babies full stop.

Your DD is amazing and exciting to you because she's yours. The fact that SIL is not interested doesn't make her any less so.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 22-Oct-15 09:52:30

My husbands brother didn't send a card/offer congratulations when our baby arrived in June.

Suits me fine, I loathe the bloke and feel no particular need to make nice any longer. My husband is hurt though.

SaucyJack Thu 22-Oct-15 09:55:23

Some people are difficult, childish and self-obsessed. Expecting that sort of person to behave like a member of polite society will often only lead to frustration.

Congrats from me though wine

JugglingFromHereToThere Thu 22-Oct-15 09:59:16

I'm really quite surprised people notice these things especially with a new baby. Just enjoy your baby and be happy for the cards, congrats, and coo-ing over her that you do get! Here are some flowers from me! flowers

VenusRising Thu 22-Oct-15 10:07:38


Maybe your DH's sister did congratulate him.

Maybe she has fertility issues you know nothing about, and can't bear to think you have a baby when she hasn't one?
Sometimes it makes it difficult to see someone you know with a baby if you desperately want one yourself and ate ttcing. It's a thought?

If you're Christian, who are you thinking of being one of the godmothers?
Could she be one? (Have a few more solid ones so your little baby doesn't miss out if SIL's not involved.) Maybe that would bring her closer? And the question is.....
Do you want her closer?

Fb is the work of the devil- my advice is don't try to second guess anyone from some random posts- that way lies madness! grin

Maybe give her a call and ask her how she is? Listen to her and, difficult as it is, don't talk about your baby.
Two way street and all that.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 22-Oct-15 10:12:16


It's hardly as though the op has noticed Jill from Admin hasn't offered congratulations, as so many posters like to insist, it's her SIL, therefore family.

crispytruffle Thu 22-Oct-15 10:12:22

Congratulations! I would say you are being a tad YABU. I wouldn't let it consume you. I got married abroad last year and not one of DHs family sent us a card or message of congratulations. I couldn't give two fucks frankly.

EponasWildDaughter Thu 22-Oct-15 10:21:29

Yeah, i agree i think her non-reaction to the birth is just a continuation of the normal state of things. Virtual non-contact.

A big thing for you (like giving birth) can throw distant relationships like this into sharp focus when you realise that this person, although a blood relative, hasn't reacted to your news. It's sad, but don't fret.

Re: her comments on FB about children she knows - this could be because, as you say, she knows them/sees them. It could also be that if she's not that into babies they don't 'register' until they're a little older. It sounds as if she hasn't got DCs of her own. I have a relative who isn't that into babies, (no DCs of her own) and makes no effort to see them when they are little, but is a different person with them once they turn 3 or 4 ish.

EponasWildDaughter Thu 22-Oct-15 10:21:54

Oh, and congratulations! grinflowers

diddl Thu 22-Oct-15 10:26:34

Well if husband is the only family she speaks to, then it does seem odd not to be interested in his child, if that is the case.

It could be that she isn't interested-what does your husband think?

lilyb84 Thu 22-Oct-15 10:34:14

I don't think YABU to feel a little confused as to why she hasn't offered any form of congrats or at least acknowledgment of your baby's birth, but YABU to be upset by it.

Perhaps as pp have said she congratulated your DH, or maybe she just plain forgot to say/send anything given your usual non-communicative relationship, and as time passed it became increasingly awkward to do so (I've been there!).

Either way it doesn't matter in the long run and life's too short to worry about it. Congrats on your new baby and enjoy all the well wishes you HAVE been receiving!

PeasinPod1 Thu 22-Oct-15 10:52:28

OP I know exactly how you feel. One of my eldest and closest friends has never once liked any photos I’ve ever put up of my DS, from my DHs pretty standard proud dad announcement and pic that 100s of lovely friends liked/commented on…to any subsequent post/photos 2 years later (I don’t update constantly btw!).

While with friends she barely knows, she makes a huge point of writing long, OTT gushing statements whenever a new baby pic is posted. I know it’s not just coincidence and she must have an issue of sorts, maybe just plain jealousy. But when you are a new mum it’s hard not to be sensitive or notice these things. YANBU.

JugglingFromHereToThere Thu 22-Oct-15 10:53:25

Alis - I just agree with lily - life's too short to worry about not getting a card from a family member you don't really talk to?

snowgirl1 Thu 22-Oct-15 11:02:10

Congratulation on your new baby! However, I do think you're being a bit U. Your baby is the centre of your world, but it's not the centre of other people's world. I think especially if people haven't had children themselves, they may not appreciate what a big deal it is for the new parents. I don't think I got congratulations from my SIL. I assume she congratulated DH. I don't communicate with SIL directly - it's through DH as she lives a long long way away so I don't know her that well. It didn't bother me. Don't let this damage your relationship with your SIL - I doubt it's intentional, at worst it's a little bit thoughtless.

molyholy Thu 22-Oct-15 11:06:36

I wouldn't waste any headspace on this. Maybe she didn't comment as she doesn't want any of dh's family knowing she is in contact with him. It may have put her off commenting if any of dh's family had commented on facebook.

A lot of people don't send cards and see it as outdated. Maybe she has congratulated and dh never mentioned it. If you're not close and you don't see her that often, I wouldn't give it a second thought. If your dh was upset by it, it is up to him to mention it to her really.

stickytoffeeface Thu 22-Oct-15 12:12:54

Thanks everyone! You know when something just bugs you. I thought I did have a vague relationship with her, she asked how I was during pregnancy, dh told her when I was in labour as he'd let his mum know (who might have been taking me to an appointment, I didnt want everyone to know!) and then his other sister as we thought may as well. I should just let it go, she's so far away that its never going to be issue. Occassionally his parents ask whether she's visited and I have to answer "um... no."

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 22-Oct-15 12:29:19

Clutching at straws here but could it be jealousy. Is she perhaps going through fertility problems that you don't know about.

Tutt Thu 22-Oct-15 12:39:14

Could be she feels so apart from the family and maybe hurt that she is now univested in any of you?
I can only go by my experience which is of the sister.
My DB had a baby in May and I think I was one of the last to know a) he was having a baby b) when the child was born.
I was excluded from all of it... My only 'crime' was that he is my half-brother and his wife doesn't except me as his only sibling! She has also caused my family to break and I've been pushed out.
Maybe your SIL feels the same, maybe she feels excluded and maybe the back story is massively to do with why she hasn't contacted you.
I know I desperatly want to see my DN but feel so unwelcome I haven't bothered.

Congratulations on your little one.

Havalina1 Thu 22-Oct-15 12:45:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. But perhaps she did congratulate your husband so she feels it's done ... but in all honesty I think she should have taken the chance on FB to say something to you.

My DPs mother didn't congratulate me after having a baby just under 4 weeks ago! She never phoned when I went 2 weeks overdue, nothing. I'm sure she congratulated him, but he didn't HAVE the baby, I did. I too am miffed at her behaviour. I'll not be forgetting it in a hurry - she is clearly in a snot and this is how she's exhibiting it.

As for your SIL, are you friendly with each other? Has she children?

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