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How annoyed should I be about this?

(39 Posts)
tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 19:32:39

My DS started school this year. Was loving it, all was good. One day we dropped him off and one particular child (who I had witnessed being "spirited" in the playground and at settling in sessions before and who DS had said was in trouble quite a bit) started pushing him and tickling him to the point where my DS started to get upset. The mother made no attempt to stop him so I asked him to stop. He then stole my DS's hat and the Mum got it back after a fight but no telling off at all. We moved away and I've not stood with her since.

DS then told me he had done this in school with his bag. I wrote the teacher a letter (as I was at work so couldn't see her in person for a week) asking that they just keep an eye on the two of them so my DS doesn't have his things taken off him anymore.

Cut to today, they warn my Mum when she picked up that my DS has a huge chunk of hair missing and they don't know how. He refuses to say to anyone who did it. I initially laughed it off but he seemed apprehensive so I said in a jokey way "Did Bob do it?" (made up name of a nice boy that plays a lot with DS but with the other child too). DS said Yes, Bill (spirited boy) told him to.

It's parents evening tomorrow. I understand that kids do this stuff all the time. I cut my brothers hair. It's only hair and will grow back, but this is at school where they should be supervised with scissors because of eyes etc, esp given that I'd specifically highlighted issues with this child and DS. I don't want to be over protective or "that parent" but my DS is scalped! How could they not have noticed while he was doing it? I am new to this, how do I broach it?

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 19:36:47

I should stress that DS came home a few times upset because this boy had taken his things in school. It wasn't that one incident that provoked the letter.

queenoftheworld93 Wed 21-Oct-15 19:37:25

How bad is the hair? Poor kid.

It doesn't sound like it was Bills fault though... telling your child's friend to do it was wrong but he didn't force Bob to cut your child's hair! As for the teachers, the children can't all be watched 24/7 at the same time.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever Wed 21-Oct-15 19:38:07

I'd be fuming. Why weren't they watching them with scissors!

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 19:42:12

Bill is normally a really good boy and we know him quite well so I am shocked it was him, but he is quite easily lead.

DS is ok, he just looks like a punk. Its quite funny really but I am a bit hmm that they had absolutely no idea who did it or how it happened.

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 19:43:31

Sorry... Bob. So many fake names!

goddessofsmallthings Wed 21-Oct-15 19:43:37

Your poor ds! This has to be nipped in the bud before he becomes reluctant to go to school as he doesn't feel safe when he's there.

I regard this matter as too serious to broach at a parents evening and suggest that you make an appointment with the Headteacher.

I also suggest you take photos of your ds's hair and write out an account of your conversation with him using his exact words when relating what he's told you.

Is it possible that Bill cut your ds's hair and told him to say that Bob did it?

TSSDNCOP Wed 21-Oct-15 19:43:50

The hair episode aside it boils down to two incidents where Bob has wound up your DS in 6 weeks. Not really too bad.

On the hair, well no it's not good. I'd start by asking what supervision was in place that allowed such an event to go unnoticed. Since it has happened what are they going to do about it.

But, I wouldn't go in all guns blazing without getting all the facts. Ask questions and discuss, you've a lot of school days to get through yet.

Jellytot321 Wed 21-Oct-15 19:44:30

I would perhaps take pictures of your son's head, just for future reference, and I would definitely bring this up with the teacher. The tickling etc. could just be seen as over-spirited playing hmm but what he has done now is horrible, and really is bullying. Kids need to be taught not to invade other people's personal space, and definitely not to do something such as cut or pull out hair- its all about teaching them to respect others, and this is definitely not playing. I would really stress how concerned you are to the teacher when you see them- they should be keeping a much closer eye on them if this is allowed to happen!

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 19:53:34

Ok, I think pictures will definitely need to be taken.

The tickling upset DS so much though, and then the bag & hat stealing followed, so that's why I wrote the letter. DS was crying as he went in to school a few times, despite being happy before. He started refusing to wear his hat. I see tickling as an invasion of personal space too (I had an uncle that would tickle me till I soiled myself, until I was about 10, it was awful. sad)

Jellytot321 Wed 21-Oct-15 19:59:41

Yes, I agree with you OP. It is an invasion of personal space, definitely, and I think thats clearly what this kid has a problem with. Your son really should not have to deal with someone invading his privacy and personal space, and his stuff is his. This definitely sounds like bullying, but probably has a lot to do with his parents not telling him its wrong, so its probably down to the school to try and teach him about this, then maybe get parents on board. Honestly, I remember at school (although being a bit older) having stuff stolen, being jabbed with pens- all sorts. And its always passed off as just a bit of fun, but I strongly believe that it isn't, and if your son doesn't feel comfortable with it then it needs to stop. Poor little thing flowers

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 20:06:12

The other thing is that he has played happily with Bob, everyday at preschool for 2 years without issue. Yet now that Bill is in the equation, my son is without hair. Luckily hair grows back, eyes do not.

I am going to make an appointment. Thanks everyone smile

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 21-Oct-15 20:19:51

I don't think you can blame Bill for Bob's actions. Having a third DC in the mix does change the dyamic of a friendship but it's not Bill's fault.

I'm also guessing that since you asked the school to keep an eye on Bill and your DS, and this incident was actually Bob and your DS, that the school won't see it as part of the same pattern of behaviour.

By all means mention it to the teacher but try not to hold Bill accountable for every naughty incident that occurs when it's clear he wasn't the one yielding the scissors.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 21-Oct-15 20:20:44

wielding not yielding - sorry its been a long day blush

goddessofsmallthings Wed 21-Oct-15 20:29:01

Having seen the way some of these little darlings operate I wouldn't be entirely sure that Bill wasn't wielding the scissors, or holding the hair that he told Bob to cut.

Perhaps further gentle questioning of your ds may reveal more, including what went on immediately prior to his hair being cut, OP.

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 20:46:10

After the letter, teacher called me and assured me that she would be talking with the whole class about personal space and not touching other children's bodies. I think we can see how successful that has been!

I am not going to go in guns blazing and I know its not wholly Bill to blame here but part of me just feels that Bob is so docile, he may have just done it for an easy life. No excuses though. They are kids, just started school, this stuff is going to happen. And that's what supervision is for! Not all the time but with scissors and glue, definitely. In actuality the school should not have allowed this to happen.

DP (secondary school teacher) has gone nuts. I may have to calm him down at parents evening!

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever Wed 21-Oct-15 20:50:04

Thats absolutely right. Its sort of expected with kids and scissors that one of them is going to cut something they shouldnt. Teachers need to risk assess.

What will you do about the hair?

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 21-Oct-15 20:57:23

goddess you could be right. I just hate when one child becomes the go-to-one to blame because x, y, or z couldn't possibly have done it themselves.

We had an example of it last week, DS came home from school and said Spencer was sent to the HT because he hurt Ewan, but, said DS, it was actually Martin who hurt Ewan. When I queried further (ie had DS seen what had happened because it was unlikely the wrong DC was sent to the HT) he admitted he hadn't seen it but all the DCs had agreed that it was so out of character for Spencer to do something like that, that it must have been Martin who did it instead (despite Martin not even being in the same part of the playground) hmm

tywin yy the school definitely sounds like it needs to improve its supervision. Mention 'duty of care' and let your DH rant at them if need be smile

Jellytot321 Wed 21-Oct-15 20:58:06

Yes, no need to go in all guns blazing but yanbu in the slightest to bring this up and pursue it. I think Bill probably needs speaking to as well for sure, but if he is a quiet child it is probable that he felt he had to do what Bob said. I remember a similar incident when my dc started school- 2 girls said they would be her friend if she did 'x' and so she did it. She ended up in huge trouble- it was so incredibly out of character and she was incredibly upset about it. It was important she knew that it was still definitely not okay just because someone else had thought of it.

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 21:09:23

The way DP is phrasing it is that I highlighted an issue and specifically asked them to keep an eye on inappropriate unwanted touching (tickling) and now a child has been assaulted in their care! confused

And that's how his school would deal with it! As an assault.

I will be sure to mention duty of care and I plan to print one of their policies on this and highlight how they have failed. Then inform them that their response to this will determine whether I pursue a formal complaint. I would like to see clear cut evidence that they are ensuring the safety of the children in their care.

Jellytot321 Wed 21-Oct-15 21:20:49

To be honest, I would feel quite assaulted if someone chopped off a lump of my hair...sad

I think you are handling it very well, OP.

tywinlannister Wed 21-Oct-15 21:28:40

Until tmw when I leap across the table and chop the teachers fringe off...

SawdustInMyHair Wed 21-Oct-15 21:36:45

I hate to disappoint everyone, but no one is supervising children that closely when they use scissors. That's why they have the rounded ends - so sticking them in an eye is tricky. Maybe the odd one who we're really worried about! Unless someone happened to see the haircutting, children can be really incoherent and inconsistent so it's really hard to find out for sure what happened.

I'd agree with above about being careful leaping to blame regarding Bill/Bob. In nursery there is one girl who is always in trouble and the result is the children blaming her for things he hasn't done. I don't think they even realise they're doing it, they just assume if something's gone wrong she did it! I've seen them fall over alone, and immediately start crying her name, and accuse her of things when she wasn't even in that day.

queenoftheworld93 Wed 21-Oct-15 21:40:37

Yeah I hate to disappoint everyone but it is literally not possible to hover over every child even when using scissors, I'm afraid. That's why kiddy scissors are such a pain to cut with! They're usually really blunt.

queenoftheworld93 Wed 21-Oct-15 21:42:17

Woops sawdust sorry I stole your wording! Was just trying to agree with you. It's been a long half-term cough sorry, day.

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