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to tell my dad that he can't visit at the same time

(20 Posts)
Effiewhaursmabaffies Wed 21-Oct-15 05:22:52

Been up since 3.30 stewing over this because I am pissed off but still feeling like i have kicked a puppy. I live abroad and my family is coming to visit. When this was arranged I told my df at there would not be room for him to stay at the same time siince all rooms except living room are occupied. I felt a bit bad, but thought it would be best to say upfront. Anyway I had a few words later because I overheard family making arrangements with my df and was annoyed that he didn't say that it wasn't possible because there is not enough space. Also to include df'sgirlfriend in the visit. Also told family that this was not possible. Now df's girlfriend (mil- long story) told my dh that df wants to visit while family is here. I had a row with dh over this last night.
SO AIBU? Df doesnt make the effort to visit family in uk, so why piss me off and basically go behind my back when he can get on the train for free in UK and visit on his own? Also df is an attention hog, therefore I am feeling childish in that I want the attention from my own family for once.
But, its my df, and he is old and I feel like shit for being mean. I have a matrass for the floor but he is old, but i have 2 young dcs and dont want to give up my bed.
WWYD? and am I a purple meanie?

icklekid Wed 21-Oct-15 05:26:03

Df knows there isn't room at yours so if him and gf want to visit I would let them know you presume he will be staying in hotel /b&b elsewhere. As for the attention seeking behaviour thats harder other than to suggest sensitively to your family you would prefer just to see them?

Purplepixiedust Wed 21-Oct-15 05:31:55

I think suggesting they stay in a b&b makes sense.

Senpai Wed 21-Oct-15 05:31:57

You told him upfront there was no room. It's up to him to make arrangements to stay elsewhere.

Effiewhaursmabaffies Wed 21-Oct-15 05:35:28

I did say that but the argument with dh is that we should give up our bed. It might only be for one night but df doesnt ever bother checking before making plans so I dont even know how long he is planning to stay. I just find it difficult to feel comfortable contemplating 9 or 10 people in my house while i am working and have 2 dcs to get up and ready for school.
I just feel that my opinions are disregarded and that what i want doesnt count for anything. Also feeling sorry for myself, in case you cant tell

TheGruffaloFish Wed 21-Oct-15 05:54:01

Ask where they are staying, if you should send them a a list of local hotels/b&b. Don't give up your bed. After juggling 9-10 people in your house, you'll need it!

LineyReborn Wed 21-Oct-15 06:18:44

Sorry to not understand this but -

Your dad's girlfriend is your MIL?

Isn't your dad part of your 'own family'?

It may just be the early waking that's addled my brain, so apologies if I've massively misread your OP.

And sorry you're stressed.

yomellamoHelly Wed 21-Oct-15 06:39:21

Would not be giving up my bed. If your df refuses to arrange accomodation elsewhere as requested give him the blow up on the lounge floor and send the dc in there to cuddle gf / watch the telly at 6 am / whenever they wake (and go back to bed for an hour!).
Natural consequences of him not listening to you / making sure he does listen next time. If you give up your bed he'll do it again.

Youarentkiddingme Wed 21-Oct-15 06:52:05

Your DF knows there is only the living room - do not give up your bed.

I'm wondering if this is further complicated by the fact (if I've understood correctly?) the girlfriend visiting with your dad is your DH mum?

And why do you have to get 2 children ready and to school? Your hosting the family and they are sharing your home I'm sure they can pitch in with this? Especially as you'd DF and his gf will be up anyway as you will have used the lounge!

Purplepoodle Wed 21-Oct-15 07:19:11

I would not be giving up my bed. If he wants to stay then say it has to be a B and B and tell do to butt out

Effiewhaursmabaffies Wed 21-Oct-15 07:36:02

yes df's girlfriend is MIL. Both are widowed so thats not the issue. mThe family in question is from late dm's side, so no real relation, although they are (or were) very close.

Youarentkiddingme Wed 21-Oct-15 07:41:07

Sorry I should have been clearer that the 'issue' I thought further complicating it with it being your dad and DH mum is that DH thinks your BU because it's stopping his mum coming and hence why he thinks give up bed.

I do think if your DM family are visiting however much people are free to love who they like it's not really ideal them coming down to find their SIL asleep on a mattress with your DH mum. There are just some situations where it's not necessary - this being one of them as surely your dad could visit a week later or some other time? Or like you say - see them I. The UK.

Mermaidhair Wed 21-Oct-15 07:46:46

Your husbands mum, and your father got married after being widowed? And it's your late mums family that are coming to visit? And your dad hogs all of the attention from everyone. If so I can understand your annoyance. He has also totally disregarded your chat about there being no room. Your dh would be getting pressure from his mum for them to be included.

ALongTimeComing Wed 21-Oct-15 07:48:47

Your dad is 'going out' with your husbands mum? Really?

Collaborate Wed 21-Oct-15 07:56:49

Have the rest of the visitors told your father there's no room, or are they agitating for him to come? If they are, you could make them sleep on the floor for that one night and five your father their bed.

We had all of DW's family over one Christmas and I was "forced" by DW to give up out bed for BiL and his W. We had the lounge floor. It was clear that it made them feel uncomfortable, and to be honest I didn't like it at all too. Never again. When you're running around like a blue arsed fly waiting on 16 people all day the least you deserve is your own bed at night.

Effiewhaursmabaffies Wed 21-Oct-15 07:59:40

yes they are going out. I have to say that dh and i were first though. I have an updatea. I spoke to dh this morning and made it clear that i had told df that he couldnt stay and this latest push by mil was unfair and dh agreed! Also that mil,shouldnt come, and that df can sleep on the floor if he comes and that its my decision. So happy days! Now to break the news to mil. Joy!

catsrus Wed 21-Oct-15 08:01:30

What's odd about two widowed people who know each other getting together? confused.

Are there any b&bs near you OP, can you send details to your df and tell him he needs to get on and book it?

ghostspirit Wed 21-Oct-15 08:13:51

im a bit confused so might have got it wrong. i can fully understand not wanting your fathers girls friend to stay... if they have not been together that long. but then you refer to her as mum in law so are they married if thats the case then i cant of dnt understand unles there is negitive history.

but then i would have thought your dad would feel very hurt if hes the only one that cant stay. there is room for everyone else but not him.

i might be the only one but i would defo give my bed up for my dad always.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Wed 21-Oct-15 08:24:21

Tell them to stay in a B&B. I think it is pretty unusual for in-laws to get together and I wouldn't want them cuddled up in my lounge.

RB68 Wed 21-Oct-15 08:35:38

Its not that unusual and there is no blood relation so why not - I know a few others where this has happened.

I think the upddate is fine - if they want to come B&B it is and they organise

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