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to think ds should cough up?

(132 Posts)
snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:13:49

Background single mum with 2 DC at home aged 22 and 15, I'm not working at the moment due to mental health problems (serious stuff but getting better) supported eldest all through college paying travel and lunch money etc then to university where he didn't pay any expenses at home and used his maintenance grant and loans for his own needs.
He's now working in a fantastic job that took months for him to be able to start ,anyway now that he's working my rent paid by the council is (quite rightly) reduced so ds has to make up the difference (about £300) which he pays directly to the landlord, he is supposed to pay the shortfall in council tax too but fell lucky in that I had some money owed to me from the council and so I simply had it knocked off my council tax this year,anyway ds now will not pay anything at all into the house for food heating utilities washing ironing etc etc I even buy his deodorant and toothpaste.
His job is v well paid and I accept its his money he has learnt but he argues that as I'm not working I should be "grateful" and I understand he needed work wear but suits at over 300 a go and silk ties and shirts at nearly 30 each when I'm struggling surely is a kick in the aibu to ask for keep?

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Oct-15 16:16:31

Hang on... what are you meant to be grateful for, exactly? He's costing you money and you should be grateful?

What would your financial situation be like if he moved out? I think they need to do this at that age to make them grow up.

MaidOfStars Tue 20-Oct-15 16:16:49

aibu to ask for keep?

Golly, no. YWNBU to tell him to go rent his own place, feed himself, buy his own fecking toothpaste.

Why is he still living with you? Other than he's getting an easy ride. If he moved out, would your housing benefit increase again?

JeffsanArsehole Tue 20-Oct-15 16:17:10

Of course you need to have him pay for keep

Or he can live elsewhere

It's no good for your mental health allowing him to take advantage. Try showing him a list of all the costs and ask him to pay half.

laffymeal Tue 20-Oct-15 16:17:12

Not U in the least. He needs a metaphorical kick in the nuts if he thinks you should be "grateful", he's got that one seriously arse for tit.

Make a spreadsheet of the cost of everything and tally up his share, I can guarantee it will come to a great deal more than £300.

Also, if he was to live independently he'd struggle to buy expensive clothes as his rent, food and utilities would have to come first.

Get him told.

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 20-Oct-15 16:17:25

Tell him to give you the money or he goes. With his great salary he could tent somewhere, then he'll be shocked at how much it actually costs to live.

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:17:53

My financial situation still wouldn't be grill but it'd just be me and youngest ds to feed and look after,I don't want him to feel he has to leave but I feel like he's taking the piss

abigamarone Tue 20-Oct-15 16:18:07

Not unreasonable at all, but why are you buying his deodorant, that's not helping matters. Are you prepared to kick him out of he refuses?

Arfarfanarf Tue 20-Oct-15 16:18:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laffymeal Tue 20-Oct-15 16:18:26

That's cause he IS taking the piss. Don't let him.

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:20:28

He is saying he's trying to do everything save up for somewhere to go (he wants me and his brother to go with him,we won't) whilst paying for our home and yes way behind where he should be in the fact he's had no financial help with driving or a house deposit as we are a single parent family

dementedpixie Tue 20-Oct-15 16:20:45

Don't buy food or do his washing or provide anything then

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:22:38

I wouldn't want to kick him out,but realisically this can't carry on he asked me when I intended looking for work but having just had an assessment and being found unfit despite me needing to be in work its not going to be soon,I feel like a failure as a mum now too

maybebabybee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:23:04

yes way behind where he should be in the fact he's had no financial help with driving or a house deposit as we are a single parent family

So? I didn't get financial help with these things either. Also a single parent family but I think that's completely beside the point - why should my mum have to give me these things? They're my responsibility.

Absolutely do not buy his toiletries etc. You are making things worse for yourself by doing that. flowers

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:23:44

I thought about not doing his washing but hed just go to the dry cleaners and that's more wasted money

hesterton Tue 20-Oct-15 16:24:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maybebabybee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:25:07

snetter does he not know how to use a washing machine?!

you need to ask him for rent. if he won't give it to you then he goes.

I lived at home for 5 years after uni and I paid my mum rent all through that time. I increased it when I started earning more, too. I wouldn't dream of living somewhere rent-free while I was earning.

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:25:16

The toiletry thing is how its always been and he'd just use his brothers or but really expensive stuff then the other ds would want to use that

PacificMouse Tue 20-Oct-15 16:25:42

It's a very nice thought to want you and his db to move in with him BUT I gather you haven't agreed to that?
So yes it's nice if you can't help him save but if you can't financially do it, then you can't.
I would tell him that he is asking you to help him by you and his db getting cold in the evening and having less food to eat. How is that right or fair?

Did he explain exactly why you should be grateful?

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:26:25

No he doesn't know how to use the washer I've offered to show him but he just doesn't want to know.

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Oct-15 16:26:33

He wants you to move with him? I bet he does, if that means you're going to pay for food, bills and toiletries!

I can understand if he's comparing himself with others whose families provided more, but if he looks more closely there will be families who provided less, too. It sounds as though he's ignoring those.

It would be better if he stopped buying suits for a couple of months, got some money together and went in for a houseshare. He'll get a rude awakening when nobody buys his toiletries and when he has to share the bills, but that's going to happen to him as soon as he lives anywhere else.

PacificMouse Tue 20-Oct-15 16:27:27


Errr... Does he know and realise how unwell you are?? If you haven't deemed fit to work then you can't work.
That doesn't sound very compassionate from him tbh

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:28:30

I should be grateful that he pays the shortfall as legally he doesn't have to (he's v good at arguing that was a big part of his training) when I say that if he wasn't here is have full rent entitlement he virtually calls me a drain on society

PacificMouse Tue 20-Oct-15 16:28:54

Oh fgs. He has a nice job, well paid but he can't be bothered to learn how to use a washing machine?!?
Stop doing his washing and tell him to grow up.

Not surprised he wants you to come and live with him. He needs his cleaner.

snetterdee Tue 20-Oct-15 16:30:09

It was one of the assessments the DWP send you for, my cpn says I've a long way to go before I can work

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