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In wanting to distance myself from friend based on situations that have nothing to do with me?

(11 Posts)
BlueBananas Mon 19-Oct-15 21:11:18

I have a friend who I haven't known for very long; 2 years-ish
She is in a long term committed relationship with children but not married

Recently every time I speak to her it seems to be about one guy or another that's tried it on with her or flirting with her or professing his love for her
That's fine if she has these men falling at her feet then good for her!

However I was recently around her with one of these men who she's apparently baffled as to why he thinks it's ok to say these things and I can see very clearly why - she was all giggly and hair flicky and playing dumb, turning the conversation to her and I swear at one point she referred to herself as 'a bad girl'
It was a little bit embarrassing
She also texts these men and a few have been to her house but she apparently thinks she's just being friendly (?!)

Now my point is her partner is lovely and does a lot for her and to see her taking the piss out of him like this is making me not like her as much anymore, DP thinks that her love life is nothing to do with me and I can't stop being her friend because of this, when in fact she is a very good friend to me

I'm a bit torn really, she is a very good friend and I'm just so shocked to see this side of her

HortonWho Mon 19-Oct-15 21:15:37

Assholes have a charming side to them too. Just because she's nice to you, doesn't make her a good person. She's treating someone who supposedly matters to her a lot more than you like crap, so imagine how awful she might be to a casual friend like you.

Notimefortossers Mon 19-Oct-15 21:16:16

I don't think YABU. Your DP is right that her love life is nothing to do with you, but the way she is behaving speaks for the kind of person she is and if that's not the kind of person you want to be friends with, you are not obligated to be. I wouldn't cut her out - just distance yourself as you say

Cornettoninja Mon 19-Oct-15 21:19:54

I don't think yabu. You've seen a side of her character you don't like and struggle to put to one side. That's fair reason to decide not to be around someone.

It's like finding out someone had a particular political affiliation that goes against something you find fundamentally reprehensible. It's about what you think is important.

BlueBananas Mon 19-Oct-15 21:27:40

Yes you're right it's not so much about the specific behaviour, just that it's a new side to her that I just can't respect, so it is obviously going to have a knock on effect to how I feel about her in general

Our kids are friends so I can't ever really not be friends with her but I can be much less involved

Horton I hadn't even thought of that bit you're right, if she can shit on him like this then she'd think nothing of being horrid to me would she

Anitadobson Mon 19-Oct-15 21:45:03

I'd also wonder if she has been flirty around your DP if he is jumping to her defence. It's probably just that men compartmentalise more than women and can mentally separate the two sides of her.

Personally I would distance myself purely because she is acting so badly towards her partner.

HPsauciness Mon 19-Oct-15 21:47:12

I completely disagree, I had a great friend for many years who was always an amazing friend to me, but she did have this one weak spot and that was the same as in the OP, always seeking attention/hair flicking/finding herself out for dinner with men confessing their attraction to her. She was massively insecure. I don't think the fact she was a flirt means I shouldn't be friends with her, but then I have friends who have done all kinds of things that on MN apparently means you should immediately dump them as being immoral.

ChilliAndMint Mon 19-Oct-15 21:48:13

I had a childhood friend like her, I severed all ties at 25 after being surrogate mum to her kids and being used as a scapegoat for all her shenanigans with " other" men.

It's one thing being flattered by male attention, but taking it to another level by texting them is not on.

She has zero respect for her dp and probably likewise for anyone else for that matter.

annandale Mon 19-Oct-15 21:51:30

I don't know. I have a lovely long-term friend who I didn't see much while she was in the throes of a relationship with a married man. I have to say this isn't an invariable rule of mine sad but somehow this one grated with me - she used to say 'it's not just sex, we love to sit and do the crossword together' and I used to say yes I bet he does while his WIFE deals with the 18-month old at home. She was unhappy and deluded at that time and thank God she saw sense and ended it quite quickly. But I felt differently about her at the time and a little thread of that feeling has remained with me.

If her behaviour is making you feel different about your friend, there isn't much you can do about that. I would just refuse to take part in these conversations, just shut them down and talk about something else. She might change.

annandale Mon 19-Oct-15 21:52:15

sorry - it sounds as if I actually said something to my deluded friend - I was never brave enough, I only thought it.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 19-Oct-15 22:54:10

"Recently every time I speak to her it seems to be about one guy or another ..."
So she hasn't always behaved this way? I wonder why she's started?

"I'm a bit torn really, she is a very good friend and I'm just so shocked to see this side of her"
"I was recently around her with one of these men who she's apparently baffled as to why he thinks it's ok to say these things and I can see very clearly why"
If she really is a very good friend, I would consider raising the matter with her. Maybe along the lines of, next time she talks about being 'baffled', 'Well, your blatant flirting might have something to do with it, don't you think?'

If this is 'new' behaviour on her part, it might be worth probing a bit. Something has to have prompted the change.

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