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AIBU?

How to tell a child his dad is gone?

85 replies

couldusesomeadvice · 17/10/2015 10:06

DS is 6. His dad has today contacted me and told me he no longer wishes to see him.

Aibu to ask for some advice on how best to tell him?

I have no idea what to say or how to say it. My heart is breaking for him.

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DiscoDiva70 · 17/10/2015 10:11

Wow, what a complete bastard this so called father is.
Sorry I've no real advice other than to not rush into telling your ds anything at the moment.

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abbieanders · 17/10/2015 10:11

Oh that's very tough.

Was this as sudden and abrupt as it sounds?

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RJnomaaaaaargh · 17/10/2015 10:11

How often did he see him before this? Do you have to say anything?

What a cunt.

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Francescal88 · 17/10/2015 10:11

This is so difficult. I will never understand why a parent would choose not to see their child again.

I would sit him down and explain to him that some people are just not cut out to be parents, but that you love him very much, and it's absolutely nothing he has done wrong.

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Leavingsosoon · 17/10/2015 10:12

I think you just have to be totally honest and explain some people are not very nice and this isn't a reflection on him Flowers

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Georgethesecond · 17/10/2015 10:14

I wouldn't make any big announcement, just let things drift. What if he changes his mind again?

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couldusesomeadvice · 17/10/2015 10:15

Not as sudden and abrupt as it seems no, I was expecting it but was hoping I was wrong. They saw each other around once a month (I had offered many times to increase contact so it could be more than this but he didn't want anything more than once a month) but there have been no visits for 3 months. DS keeps asking when he will see his dad, so I do need to tell him soon. I just don't know what to say. I hate his dad so much for doing this to him.

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KitKat1985 · 17/10/2015 10:16

Gosh what a horrible situation. How much did your DS see of his dad normally?

I'm not sure I have any advice, but Flowers to you and your DS.

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KitKat1985 · 17/10/2015 10:17

Sorry x-post.

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MarshaBrady · 17/10/2015 10:17

Is he expecting to see him on a certain day?

I'd do it as gently as possible in stages. Up the love and distraction and when some time has passed talk about it.

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MarshaBrady · 17/10/2015 10:18

X post oh poor little boy. What an awful thing to do to him.

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couldusesomeadvice · 17/10/2015 10:20

Not expecting to see him on a certain day no but he has noticed something isn't right. He has been asking when he can see him again and asking why he hasn't visited. Asking what he (DS) did wrong and asking if his dad doesn't love him any more.
So unfortunately allowing it to drift isn't an option, I'm going to need to have the conversation

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MarshaBrady · 17/10/2015 10:23

Yes you're right. God how hard.

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BarbarianMum · 17/10/2015 10:24

I wouldn't tell him those exact words, I can't think of anything more hurtful. Sad Do think he means it, or is he trying to get a reaction from you? (Clearly he's a shit who doesn't care about his son either way).
Does your ds see his dad regularly? If he doesn't I wouldn't say anything right now but when he asks go for Frances explanation - basically his dad is a bit broken and that's sad but not his fault. If he does see him regularly, maybe start by explaining that his dad's not going to be seeing him for a while, and that you don't know when he'll be seeing him again.
The problem with telling him what his dad said (other than the deep hurt of such a terrible remark) is there is the slim possibility that this turdwipe may reappear in 6 months demanding access and claiming that you made it all up.
Flowers so sorry you are having to deal with this.

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diddl · 17/10/2015 10:27

No answer to your question, but what a shit!

WTF should you have to tell him?

Can you phone the spineless git back & tell him to tell his son himself?

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mintbiscuit · 17/10/2015 10:28

I had to do this with ds1 around the same age when his @rsehole father hadn't seen him for months.

I told him that his daddy loved him very much but found it really hard to be a daddy at the moment. I discussed that sometimes grown ups struggle with relationships and that it wasn't anything to do with him. Not sure if I handled it the right way but he seemed to understand although it did break his heart.

People can change though and you never know how your X will feel in the future. My X came round to be a dad a few years later and has been working at relationship with ds1 since.

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Georgethesecond · 17/10/2015 10:42

Oh I'm sorry. What a twat.

I have no idea what to say. Poor lad.

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abbieanders · 17/10/2015 10:43

Your poor little boy. I suppose you could just take him out for a treat and tell him over the biggest ice cream sundae in the world that Daddy is having a hard time right now and isn't able to see him for a bit, but that you both love him, he's done nothing to deserve this, it isn't fair but adults can be completed and some people don't cope very well when they're unhappy and unfortunately they can hurt others without intending to.

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Seeyounearertime · 17/10/2015 10:50

The worst thing is him expecting you to tell the poor lad. If he was any kind of 'man' he'd be fronting it out and telling him himself.

I'd try to tell DS ery carefully and honestly but trying not to badmouth the assclown daddy. Poor little one.

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70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/10/2015 10:51

Very Sad

I go with diddl
Why should you be The Messenger?

Tell you 'D'H to MantheFuckUp and explain to his 6yo .
If you do it yourself, it sounds like you'll soften the blow as much as you can to save your son's feelings and not make him think too harshly of his dad. But you'll be the bearer of the news,so he might 'blame' you in the logic of a hurt little boy.

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flippinada · 17/10/2015 10:52

This is awful, your poor DS. I will never in a million years understand how people can just walk away from their own children. Tosser.

While I completely understand where diddl is coming from, this wouldn't be a good idea as either he will simply refuse, but if he doesn't it he is likely to do it in a way that will make the situation even worse than it already is for your DS.

I think mints advice is really good. Best of luck.

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MrsJorahMormont · 17/10/2015 10:53

I'm so sorry Sad I wish there was a website where these complete bastards were named and shamed for all the world to see.

All you can do is tell your DS that you love him very much, that he's a wonderful boy and yes, that sometimes adults make bad decisions and at the minute his dad doesn't want to see either of you.

I hope your ex gets cock worms, I really do.

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Muckogy · 17/10/2015 11:00

that's dreadful. fucking tosser.

at least you now know where you stand. there can be no more disappointment or expectation because this prick has told you where he stands.
it is heartbreaking but things can only get better because you now have the truth and you can move forward from here.
i would tell DS in the manner which biscuit and jorah outline. its probably the best way.

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Bakeoffcake · 17/10/2015 11:02

I agree with others- it is not a good idea to get your ex to explain to your DS as you don't know what he might say.

MintBuiscuits advice is very good. I'd also add to your DS that he will probably feel sad about what is happening and that is ok also that he can talk to you about it at any time and ask any questions.

Flowers to you both.

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couldusesomeadvice · 17/10/2015 11:03

Thank you for the advice everyone.
I've always tried to protect and soften things, so I think I'm going to go with mint said and go with the some grown ups aren't good at being grown ups.

I have to tell him that there wont be any more visits rather than I'm not sure when because it isn't fair to keep him holding on. It is awful to see him looking out the window every time he hears a car and hoping it is his dad. It isn't fair to leave him wondering and hoping when there isn't any hope left.

As hard as it will be, I have to tell him, because while it will be awful, dragging it out will be more harmful long term.

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