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AIBU? What to do?

(13 Posts)
KKCupCake Fri 16-Oct-15 20:34:54

Hi all. Just need some advice. My MIL died a couple of weeks ago, due to hospital negligence issues the body has only just been released for burial. We had a great relationship and she has left a very large hole in DP's family, not least as the person who keeps the family harpees in check. There is a lot of history between my DP and their Siblings also with DP's ExW who has thoroughly poisoned DP's grown up daughter who wants nothing to do with DP or myself because we were deemed 'no longer useful' by DP's ExW when we refused to lend a large amount of money we couldn't afford to DP's Daughter for her boyfriends rent (who she left 2 weeks later) DP's siblings and ExW have remained close, DP and siblings have never been close and so was fine with that, especially as they are very different. DP is a modern softy, a left wing green hippy, and DP's siblings all agree that 'migrants attempting to find refuge in Europe should be left to die in the oceans so they don't drain the continents valuable resources.' Blinks I'll be honest I don't know how DP managed to come from the same genetic pool. Anyway, We have DC's of our own who are really struggling with losing their GM and want to go to the funeral. However I am certain DP's ExW and estranged daughter will be very unpleasant especially as DP's ExW and daughter told the family DP was an appalling parent who 'didn't love or care about their DD' which is why they had ostracised DP, yet DP has since raised happy, healthy loving kind DC with me and is a very hands on loving parent. I don't want to expose our DC's to that kind of hatred frankly. DP is utterly frustrated with the whole thing as every time DP explains to siblings how hurtful the whole thing is DP is told to 'grow up, it's not about you'. We know this is for Mum and it's her day, but quite honestly my concern is our DC and how to let them grieve without having to be exposed to the ExW. So finally (sorry about the rant) AIBU if I rather than DP say to DP's siblings these are my concerns, the DC want to be there but I'm worried about ExW's behaviour, will you help me by seating them far away from us and accepting that we'll be leaving straight after the funeral, not get funny about it or be difficult about it? You know DP has just had a massive bereavement and that seems to be totally forgotten in a mass of politicking. Arrghhh Sorry. any help would be appreciated.

3littlebadgers Fri 16-Oct-15 20:44:08

I think it would ease your mind and DH's mind if you at least had the conversation. Even if it doesn't go the way you would like better knowing that prior to the funeral. I'm sorry for you loss flowers

zzzzz Fri 16-Oct-15 20:48:27

I would just go and wing it. Focus on MIL and her children and ignore everything else.

KKCupCake Fri 16-Oct-15 21:14:12

TY smile called DP's older sibling earlier and voiced my concerns. Was told to 'change the record love' and 'It's not like you and the DC are family really is it? Only 1st marriages count don't they, aye chick.' Which is not what MIL thought as she has left the DC ££ in trust between them DP an equal share and a ££ legacy to me in my own right as 'a beloved DIL and friend' as well as asking for me to read her fav poem at her funeral. Ahhh fuck em. I think hair, nails, new outfits all round and to turn up in the fun wagon (our teal VW minivan) will do nicely thank you. Cheers ladies x

Maudofallhopefulness Fri 16-Oct-15 21:20:02

Good luck! They sound awful.

I'm sorry you have you have to put up with this crap at such a sad time. flowers

MrsBB1982 Fri 16-Oct-15 21:25:46

Sorry for your loss. You can choose your friends but not your family as they say.

Depending on how old your DCs are I'd have a chat and explain that people can say silly things when they're grieving (I appreciate in these circumstances it may not be quite...accurate) but we're going to the funeral for Grandma and to focus on that

redexpat Fri 16-Oct-15 21:58:25

They sound awful. Your late MIL sounds fabulous.

Go to the funeral. If anything is said you say this is neither the time nor place for this discussion. Then never have anything to do with them ever again. flowers

nilbyname Fri 16-Oct-15 22:01:33

Well, I'd its going to be a shit storm, could you leave your kids with a friend. You ca always visit the burial aite with them at a later date and protect them from the drama?

Sorry for your loss flowers

Morganly Fri 16-Oct-15 23:43:24

How old are the children? I agree with PP. It might not be best for them to attend the funeral. You can commemorate their GM with them in other ways.

The nails, hair, outfits thing might not be the best approach. Maybe go for low key, respectful, non confrontational? Let your H attend his mum's funeral without any showdowns. He can sit where he likes, no need for requests to be seated away from his siblings, just go in and sit where he wants. Then leave. Do they know she asked you to read the poem? Has this been written into the service? Are you going to insist if they don't want you to do it?

You and your own family can honour your MIL in your own way. A friend of ours died young. He was from Devon and had this thing about cream teas. So we commemorated him by having a cream tea. That's the sort of thing which would mean far more to children than sitting in a church singing hymns and listening to dreary poems and eulogies.

KKCupCake Sat 17-Oct-15 13:11:00

I hadn't even considered not going TBH, which is odd really as I certainly don't want to go, but just feel we should if you know what I mean. It is something I'll broach with DP for certain. Commemorating MIL in our own way would be awesome. She LOVED her garden so maybe plant a tree ... Hmmm ... food for thought there thank you! MIL knew exactly what her family was like which is why she's given exact instructions as to her funeral service. DP's oldest sibling told me this morning there had been a blip in the running order and it was going to over run so certain things would have to be cut. I'm thinking that will be my poem and the slide show Mum wanted to show which has ALL of her family in it not just the 'acceptable' family (to DP's other siblings). So the poem reading will not be an issue anyway I think. One of the plus points is that DP's siblings are very unlikely to do anything which would make them look bad in front of MIL Vicar as they are very churchy people and go every week, so ... anyway still confused :/ loving all the options though thanks so much and yes MIL was an amazing woman. She broke up the family wedding where I first met DP's family because DP's siblings were giving us the 'Mixed race children is cruel' speech very loudly and drunkenly. Yeah um, DP is White Irish and I'm White European, Catalan to be exact, just very olive skinned. The DP's siblings still refer to our DC as 'brown babies' Wayne and Waynetta style because it's funny apparently.

ImperialBlether Sat 17-Oct-15 13:16:17

If you don't go, you are giving them a stick to beat you with. I would have a word with the vicar, given they will behave in front of him and explain things to him. I'd go to the church, sit through the ceremony and leave.

meercat23 Sat 17-Oct-15 13:22:44

A friend of mine has just had a close family bereavement. Her family situation does not involve people as awful as you describe but there were lots of conflicting ideas about what kind of service/commemoration/no service there should be. They managed it by holding a series of small and different events so that everyone could grieve in their own way. I think your idea of planting a tree for your lovely MIL is perfect. If your DP's siblings want to use the occasion to be unpleasant just leave them to it and hold a farewell ceremony of your own to express your love and grief in a way meaningful to you.

KKCupCake Sun 18-Oct-15 00:53:48

I've spoken to DP about not going to the funeral but we were agreed it would be more of an issue to not go. However then DP's siblings told DP they'd arranged a slap up meal instead of a wake after the funeral at a stupidly priced restaurant (I couldn't find a main meal for less than £40 and that was a basic chicken dish) and have 'explained' to DP that it will be paid for out of MIL's 'just so' fund which is the named sibling account MIL kept for DP and siblings whilst probate was being sorted. They've offered to pay for everyone who is attending the funeral (have added that to the obit too), I mean that could be 100+ people! The nearest MIL got to a posh restaurant was her favourite greasy spoon. Sooo anyway, DP has taken out their share of the cash, told siblings that whilst DP will be there, the DC and I won't be going to the funeral and as we can't go DP will use their share of the money in the account in a different way to celebrate Mum. DP's siblings have so far tried FB, text, twitter and home phone over and over trying to get DP to reconsider about the money as they're now looking at having to cough up 1/3 of the cash for 'looking the part'. Feeling not all that sad TBH ...

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