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To say that DH's Aunt cannot come for Christmas.

(102 Posts)
IsabellaofFrance Fri 16-Oct-15 18:53:28

I know its early, but the sooner its all sorted out the better.

We only ever see great aunt at Christmas. She comes on Christmas afternoon with MIL. She stays with PIL over the holidays.

We have an Autistic son. He doesn't particularly like Christmas at the best of times. He hates wrapped presents. She brings wrapped gifts despite the fact he gets really upset and despite us asking several times for her not to. She has a dog which DS hates, she brings it despite us asking her not to, and because we don't have anywhere to put it it has to come in the house. This causes massive upset for DS. She also always brings a stupid bloody Christmas CD which she manages to get on every year, when DH and I are busy (normally calming down an already fractious DS).

I just cant do it again this year. It ruins my Christmas. DH agrees but says its a bit mean, because she is old and set in her ways. FIL is furious and says she wont come without his Dsis.

We have tried dealing with it but every year she always says 'Its my Christmas too, he will be fine if he gets used to it' or something as stupid. Because I don't want to upset DS even more we have never rowed about it (it would turn into a row, however calm we tried to keep it).

Am I being mean to not invite her?

expatinscotland Fri 16-Oct-15 18:55:06


FourShour Fri 16-Oct-15 18:55:49

Tell her to fuck off

LindyHemming Fri 16-Oct-15 18:56:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsabellaofFrance Fri 16-Oct-15 18:57:13

Well that was easy grin

MissMarpleCat Fri 16-Oct-15 18:58:01

Your fil can have her for Xmas at his house and you can have you spend it just the 3 of you. If ds doesn't like it do you really have to celebrate it?

greenfolder Fri 16-Oct-15 18:58:19

Yanbu. It gives your Pil a dilemma. But that is for them, not you. If the best Christmas for you and your son is low key and quiet with a nice roast dinner, have it. You have clearly asked for what you need several times to no avail.

Florriesma Fri 16-Oct-15 18:58:23

No. You aren't being mean.
The wrapped presents maybe could be overlooked if it was just that..But foisting the sodding dog on you? Just no. Along with foisting her no doubt rather awful Christmas cd on. Tbh think the dog would be tolerated in this house but the Xmas cd would be one step too far for dh and we're all my here.
If she wants Christmas her way then she should do an m &s order and invite her brother round leaving yo, dh &ds to enjoy your Xmas.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Fri 16-Oct-15 18:58:49

Could your DH pop in and visit her at the PIL instead, rather than them coming to you. You could either go along with DS too or stay at home with him depending on how he was coping.

Florriesma Fri 16-Oct-15 18:59:04

Nt that was meant to say. Not my

PotteringAlong Fri 16-Oct-15 19:00:33

Don't invite any of them! Much calmer all round

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 16-Oct-15 19:01:16

You are not even being the tiniest sliver of unreasonable. Your DS comes first.

IsabellaofFrance Fri 16-Oct-15 19:01:36

If ds doesn't like it do you really have to celebrate it?

We do, because we have two other DC's who love Christmas, but we do things very much based on what DS can manage - presents are not wrapped (even Santa got the memo!), we dont do lots of decoration apart from an LED tree and instead spend lots of time playing with fun new toys or watching The Gruffalo.

I know that she is older (in her 70's) so does have old fashioned ideas, and she thinks DS isn't as bad as we make out. I have given her the benefit of the doubt for a couple of years but last year was unbearable.

GruntledOne Fri 16-Oct-15 19:03:18

YANBU. There is, quite simply, no reason why your son's and indeed your own Christmas should be ruined when she refuses to comply with perfectly reasonable requests: you've given her more than enough leeway. I would agree the solution is probably for your DH to visit, but maybe you could offer to have her on Boxing Day on strict condition that other arrangements are made for the dog. And hide the CD player!

PuntasticUsername Fri 16-Oct-15 19:03:56

YANBU at all. Does she understand and sympathise at all with your DS's needs, or is autism one of these ridiculous modern made up illnesses they just didn't have in her day?

You don't have to put up with such a general disregard for your family, home and happiness. Not on Christmas!

Muckogy Fri 16-Oct-15 19:04:41

you've done enough over the years.
she's a selfish old bat who needs a good kick up the jacksie.
I'm actually annoyed for you now. <goes to get wine>

70isaLimitNotaTarget Fri 16-Oct-15 19:04:42

You can either not invite her and in turn not have the PIL (which might be a blessing)

Or if she only comes for the afternoon, why does she need to bring the dog? Surely it can manage a while at your PIL house?

Ask PIL to make sure your DS present is just in a gift bag not wrapped.(Still pretty but less faffy)

Hide the bloody CD player or tell her its not orking and her CD might jam in it

Unfortunately alot of people (and I speak as someone who professionaly deals with a lot of older people) don't understand what living day to day with a child with Autism really entails.
Does your son find (apart from The Dog) that his routine being disrupted, more people in the house, the noise, the mess all stress him?

Your G/Aunt probably just thinks he's being 'difficult'.

Either grin and bite your tongue or say "No" and tell them early on. Sounds like you've done your share of Christmas Visits if she comes every year?

PuntasticUsername Fri 16-Oct-15 19:04:55

X post. I suspected as much sad

MissMarpleCat Fri 16-Oct-15 19:07:22

Yes well if you've got other dc's you have to. Hopefully if you have no visitors he may be calmer this year, especially if he has sensory issues with noise. The fewer people the better.

HermioneWeasley Fri 16-Oct-15 19:07:56

You've been a saint to have her all this time. And if FIL won't come without her, so much the better!

Karoleann Fri 16-Oct-15 19:08:27

The presents are easy to sort out - just corner her before she comes in and unwrap the presents.

I don't have an autistic child, but there's no way I would have anyone's dog in my house.

You need to get DH to sort it out rather than you. No dog, No christmas CD, no wrapped presents. Is it worth one last try? He can at least then tell his Dad this and if it is a nightmare you know it will definitely be the last time.

Otherwise, DH could go to his parents with the other two children for an hour or two earlier in the day.

SanityClause Fri 16-Oct-15 19:10:57

This is so hard! I remember when DD2 was little, she was petrified of DH's aunt, and refused to sit at the table with her. This was seen as naughtiness by PIL, who just would not have understood why this lady would be scary to DD.

We have never had Christmas with PIL, because their Christmases all follow the same child-unfriendly pattern. There will always be an argument about politics, and DH's uncle crying about how he never knew his father, who was gassed in the First World War, and then died young.

So YANBU, but don't expect it to be a popular decision.

Friendofsadgirl Fri 16-Oct-15 19:12:49

How are your PIL at dealing with DS? Do they treat him with the sensitivity he needs? I'm wondering how they feel about someone upsetting their DGC and why they aren't tackling her behaviour.

Florriesma Fri 16-Oct-15 19:15:33

My Dm is in her 70s. She wouldn't find it difficult to understand the issues. Mind you she doesn't walk around with her head buried in the sand either.
She is being arrogant. Her age is no excuse.

OhBigHairyBollocks Fri 16-Oct-15 19:17:14

YANBU! Tell them all to bugger off

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