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AIBU?

To feel let down by my parents

68 replies

PippedPopped · 16/10/2015 13:31

Background, I do not use my parents ever for childcare. They are late fifties/ early sixties and in good health. Live 15 min away. They will take my children occasionally, but not as a favour, they will ring last min to say they'll have them for x hours at x time. It's often inconvienient but for the sake of the chi,dress relationships I normally rearrange my day. It could be weekly, or not for months.

I'm expecting my third baby, and I'm having a bit of a problem with childcare if it's nighttime. I know the day I'm induced. My friends are great, will drop anything in the day to help with childcare and I have many offers. However nights are harder, I have two under five and it's a bit much to ask friends with their own children to take them.

My parents wouldn't babysit that night if I went into labour, I'd only want dh there for actual birth so unlikely to be a long sit. I could have a friend there by morning so they could go to work, my kids sleep well, the commute is no further for them from mine.

It just feels a bit crap that mums I barely know at school and my new neighbours have all offered to help, mostly in trickier circumstances, but my parents aren't inclined.

Whilst it would be entitled to expect regular childcare I'd have hoped they'd bother for a one off. My last child was prem and so my arranged childcare was unavailable so I ended up giving birth alone as dh had dd (you can actually see the hospital from their house)

OP posts:

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HoggleHoggle · 16/10/2015 13:33

Yes, actually I do feel that's a bit unfair given you're asking for one just night - and only potentially - and that your reason is that you're in labour.

cashewnutty · 16/10/2015 13:33

Have you actually asked them? I can't tell from your post of you are assuming they won't help or know they won't because you have asked. Do they have reasons for not wanting to do this?

expatinscotland · 16/10/2015 13:35

Stop rearranging your time to accommodate them. They're shit for not offering in this sort of situation. A lot of people will come over and say YABU, but I can't imagine leaving my daughter in a situation like that and not offering to help out with my grandchildren.

PippedPopped · 16/10/2015 13:36

I asked directly in the past, this time I just said "I have no one". First mum suggested I pay for childcare (who????) then just changed the topic.

They normally just say they're tired/ working. They would pt, in jobs where a day off is fairly easy ( and taken every now and then for other reasons). No health issues etc

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HaydeeofMonteCristo · 16/10/2015 13:37

Sounds a bit mean for them to refuse even that, yes.

RJnomaaaaaargh · 16/10/2015 13:39

Mn is probably the only place in the world where expecting your parents to do that would be regarded as potentially entitled behaviour. Yanbu op. It's shitty of them.

PippedPopped · 16/10/2015 13:40

Expat, that's exactly what dh and I have been discussing. It's normally a weekend day say 10-2, so knocks out am and pm for family stuff, plus they don't give a drop off time, just fifteen min warning they're on their way back.

I know I sound biased but my kids are easy, really really easy, school and nursery constantly feed this back and friends will have them anytime as they are just no bother. At night they'd just sleep and in the day they'd play together making very little mess, remaining happy as long as they have meals provided.

OP posts:

claraschu · 16/10/2015 13:40

That's terrible. I would travel to the ends of the earth to help my children at a time like that. In fact, I would babysit for anyone while they were in labour, even if it meant being up at night.

PippedPopped · 16/10/2015 13:45

Clarashu, I'd babysit for a mum I barely knew through playgroup as a one off in similar circumstances, that why it gets me. It would be so little impact on my life, I'd just do it.

I thought it was normal for my first, but the more mums I meet the more I realise most people are different. Most mums have regular help from gps I find, which is lovely and I'm a bit jealous of. Not even for childcare, just the regular company even of doing it together

OP posts:

cashewnutty · 16/10/2015 13:45

Seems very weird. Can you just have it out plainly with them. Maybe say that in the event of you going into labour at night you are planning to drop the children off with them on the way to the hospital as they will obviously want to be helpful and look after their grandchildren. Don't give them the chance to say no

mmgirish · 16/10/2015 13:49

I think that is really sad OP. Could your husband's parents help out? You are definitely entitled to feel let down about this.

PippedPopped · 16/10/2015 13:49

I think I'd rather call on my neighbours and give them flowers/ some kind of thank you later on. They seem genuinely up for it, and are themselves grandparents/ ex teachers. I wouldn't then be going into labour negatively.

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PippedPopped · 16/10/2015 13:50

Dh parents are at a big distance, older and in poor health. They would if asked but I'd be genuinely worried for the impact on them.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 16/10/2015 13:51

Your parents are strange!

I would help my DD in these circumstances, in fact I would go out of my way to help her all I could any time!

Stop accommodating them, then they may be more keen to help when you needed it, or just stop accommodating them with no expectation anything will change!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/10/2015 14:00

I would call on your neighbours. You are less likely to worry about your older children being looked after by disinterested GPs while in labour.

And yes, stop dropping everything when they demand to see their grandkids. Sod that !

DrasticAction · 16/10/2015 14:04

Op of course you should feel upset.

who wouldn't, one night while you have a baby for goodness sake.

You poor thing I couldn't imagine doing this to my own dc I really couldn't.

I think you need to wake up and smell the roses.

I would however ask out right again, in a firm but casual way " I am looking round at child care, but its not suitable thus far, are you able to look after the dc on this night while I have my baby"

Ask directly op, I know its painful but do it.

If they say no, fuck them.

What sort of people would not help in these circs for one night

lower your expectations down. and forget about them.

bettyberry · 16/10/2015 14:09

OP you aren't the only one. I have called my mother before when I have been very very ill and needed her to pick up DC from school and just drop him home. a 15 min job and she has refused.

Asking her to collect him when I broke my foot in 5 places - no end of bitching and complaining about cars and traffic and parking. A school mum did it for me for the 2 weeks I needed to. I had to walk the 4mile days earlier than planned and it hampered my healing.

I will be in the same situ as you should I have a second.

Ask a neighbour to help should it happen. Don't tell your folks if you go into labour. None of their business now.

Only1scoop · 16/10/2015 14:10

Piper to be honest you have asked by saying you have no one.

Like you I'm sure I don't think my pride would let me even hint again.

Sorry to hear you had no one with you for your 2nd birth. It wouldn't have hurt to offer as a one off.

CaramelCurrant · 16/10/2015 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 16/10/2015 14:12

And to be honest I probably would not go out of my way to accommodate them deciding on a whim they might want them for a couple of hours. If it suited fair enough.

PippedPopped · 16/10/2015 14:15

I hope this isn't a drip feed, but they are well off. When they do take my daughters they treat them, eg cinema, farm, new clothes. An honest reflection is that children do enjoy the outings and treats, I couldn't give them as easily. Hence the rearranging, sometimes it hits a month or two without contact and dd1 misses it. Other times there could be a period of four weeks with it being weekly.

OP posts:

DrasticAction · 16/10/2015 14:15

Like you I'm sure I don't think my pride would let me even hint again.

If she doesnt ask again in a very clear way she has no way of knowing really, they could come back in years and say " we never knew why you cooled on us"

this makes it crystal clear.

I couldnt have a relationship with such cold folks, family should be about support.

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DrasticAction · 16/10/2015 14:17

thats sweet pipped, but all on their terms, you need to simply get tough.

ask them outrgiht, they say no, fuck them.

they ask to see other dc, you say no, then you choose when, you give a date that works for you, end of.

Only1scoop · 16/10/2015 14:20

I'm sure Op was talking about the subject when she said to her parents "we have no one"

Mum suggested we pay for childcare.

Hhhhmmm I don't think I'd ask again.

So your dp wasn't there for birth of 2nd dd? Did they offer in any way that time?

Ripeningapples · 16/10/2015 14:20

I was ill once and asked my mum for help the next day. Admittedly she lives 90 miles away. She couldn't come because .............................she had a hairdressing appointment.

I'm mid 50s now and work full time. My children probably won't be parents until I'm mid/late 60s. I hope I'll be able to help them. I often think to myself that I'll probably be slowing down a bit then but if I can do one day a week for each of them so it cuts down their childcare bills a little bit then that would be fair. I honestly don't think I could do more than that by the time I'm 70. On the other hand, I could probably help them a bit with the costs of childcare.

Your parents are being shitbags. I am sorry. Did you have a good relationship when you were younger?

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