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am I U for being so pissed off at this attitude?!?

(27 Posts)
Unreasonablebetty Wed 14-Oct-15 17:57:11

I struggle with personal relationships, I generally push people away because they act twattish at times, I fully accept Its a problem with me.
I'm very black and white in my thinking. And am VERY flawed myself so I'm not saying I'm perfect.
But currently I have a lot of mental health issues going on, I work part time from home, and I do a lot of market researches and am studying two years of my degree at home (I don't want my anxiety and general avoidance of people to derail everything whilst I'm working on myself)
So she thinks because I'm always at home I'm doing fuck all, when the truth is I am at home with my head stuck in paperwork either for husbands business, or doing my studying or generally doing one of the chores that's a part of being a mum or wife. So I get, what you up to today mate? I reply and say I'm doing something, ok no worries mate. So I think of for fucks sake. What does she want? If she wants something, just ask!! So I ask what do you need? Oh no worries, no worries mate. Or there's the joyful call me as soon as you can. And it's always something stupid that she needs, like she wants a net to clean her pool, and knows we have one for our hottub (never to be seen again!!) or a shoebox that she wants, or me to take her 3 year old over night, or me to buy her fags, or to babysit for her children, or help her clean her house. I shit you not. I've known this woman less than a year and she calls me for all manner of things.
I drop my daughter at a before morning school club (from when I was working out of the house- I got sacked and my daughter wanted to carry on going) and after school club (generally this is helpful with the work I currently do and daughter loves it) but I was getting these phone calls to take care of her youngest once I'd taken my daughter to school every day for about two weeks. And I would always get no worries mate.
It's all the time. I gathered she just wanted company, so I've done my best to be accomodating, I have her round for a few coffees a week cod she really seems to enjoy it. But she then wants to push for me coming round for dinner all the time. And every time I see her she's on about bloody utility warehouse and that I need to get all my friends signed up for her.
So we went to the cinema and it was all a kerfuffle about why her children needed car seats instead of the booster seats the cinema offered, and she needed to borrow money for cinema tickets and that was on top of the cigarette money she borrowed the day before. Then I mentioned it and she acted like I was conning her and ended up with£10 back.
So moving on, she wants my daughter to have dinner, this plan moves on to a pizza night.
The day of said night she calls me FIVE times to go over plans. Then she decides that she's gonna buy some bits, and calls like she's doing me a favour, like what can I pick up for dinner for you? Pick up some coke please I say.
That evening she's forgotten to get coke. So I say I'm going to pick up pizzas anyway. And she tells me she picked up her sons pizza without gluten so I don't have to,,, I think we'll to pick it up isn't a problem, we're going halves on pizza anyway aren't we?
So by this point she's moaning pizza isn't there when she's decided it needs to be. And does nothing but keep moaning that dinners late (6pm!!) she knew me and H were picking up pizzas. She knows what time he gets in.
Whilst we're there her 16yo son spoke to me like I was complete shit and she just stood there smiling.
I still haven't had the money for the pizzas (as a side note, the pizzas were for 9 people, 3 of which were in my family)
So I think ah I'll keep away from her for a few days,
Then she applied for a market research that is applied for (within a minute!) and has hounded me since. She's asked and asked when I've got it so she can book hers with mine. I told her tonight when I got a time etc, and she tells me she can't do it until the evening, so I say, as far as I'm aware they only have daytime slots, but check if they have slots in the evening I'll change mine and we can hop on a train together.

I get a message back saying ok mate, no worries.

I text back and say, no problem, I don't mind changing my plans for you x (I knew she was pissed off cod she doesn't want to pay for her own travel, she wants a lift from my husband- and it's not happening, not even for me!)

She texts back and says she's cooking her kids dinner.

I'm just having a bit of a moan but how can I stop this woman from seeming so utterly peeved with me when she comes with the expectation that I drop everything for her, and do so bloody much for her but if I can't meet this expectation she gets pissed off?
She seems to want all my time, she wants us to run around after her and her kids,
It's just tiring, I constantly feel like I'm being U but I'm trying to be her friend. Ahh, someone please tell me that I'm not just being a cow?! I'm really trying, this woman is quite lovely, but she just wants so much of me.

SunshineAndShadows Wed 14-Oct-15 18:02:37

Sorry if I'm missing something but it sounds as if she asks you for favours, you decline, she says 'ok mate' you then pester her to find out what she wanted, do it anyway, and thenbecome resentful.
Why not just say you can't do it/are not available and leave it at that?

Why say you can't do something, then after she's said ok, change your mind?

Waltermittythesequel Wed 14-Oct-15 18:05:22

What??

ilovechristmas123 Wed 14-Oct-15 18:06:49

wow,she sound like a loon

seriously she seems very overbearing and thick skinned

people like this you have to be straight and upfront with

sorry your being harrassed sounds draining

chairmeoh Wed 14-Oct-15 18:07:41

Stop responding to her. Or text her to say your busy doing an essay (or whatever) at the moment but will be free to chat at x time.
Don't be at her beck and call. Put a little bit of distance between you and maybe encourage her to work on other friendships.

DoreenLethal Wed 14-Oct-15 18:11:12

Turn your bloody phone off.

Fairenuff Wed 14-Oct-15 18:22:40

how can I stop this woman from seeming so utterly peeved with me when she comes with the expectation that I drop everything for her, and do so bloody much for her but if I can't meet this expectation she gets pissed off?

I think the problem may be in your perception. She is only asking.

When you can't or don't want to help her out/pay for things, she just says 'ok mate', so I can't see where she's getting pissed off.

Say you're busy during working hours (working from home) and don't answer the phone to her.

Unreasonablebetty Wed 14-Oct-15 18:25:45

Sunshineandshadows- she tells me not to worry before she's even asked for anything, which makes me feel like maybe I'm just being unhelpful and it's something she genuinely needs help with.

Ilovechristmas it is draining. I quite literally find myself panicking cos she's asked me to call her, I think oh god, what's happened?? Then it's something completely silly like she wanted a shoebox for her child's paperwork to go in or equally small.... I'm remembering the shoebox as It was only late last week.

I'd love to stay friendly with her, but I just hope to stop her from being so overbearing.

Chairmeo- she then calls my husband or turns up at the house. I've tried to encourage other friendships as quite early on I realised that she had no other real friendships.

It seems very much like the less I reply to her, she falls into situations where she increasingly needs help, If I am unavailable and out of the area, we generally see Facebook uploads where she's very ill.

Doreen lethal- it's not always as simple as that.,

fearandloathinginambridge Wed 14-Oct-15 18:25:48

How can I stop this woman from seeming so utterly peeved with me

You can't stop her doing anything, you have to change the way you respond.

It's OK to say no and it's OK not to explain why you are saying no. Nor do you have to apologise for saying no.

With thus market research thing. If she can't fit in with the timings that suit you best then let her go at a different time, don't inconvenience yourself. She's not more important than you.

Never prioritise someone who only sees you as an option (best bit of MN advice I've ever takensmile)

Unreasonablebetty Wed 14-Oct-15 18:33:27

Fairenuff- you could, and might be very right.
I hope not because that would be an issue with me (I don't need another!)
But surely today's issue, of when I said I could change my time and we could go on the train together, then she says ok mate no worries, to me this seems like I've said I won't help her when I've just said that I will change my days plans For her.. Maybe it is my perception but I'm baffled by the conversation we had

SunshineAndShadows Wed 14-Oct-15 18:34:00

I think you are perhaps over complicating things.
She's drawing you into drama and you're feeding it. If you don't want to do stuff just say no and leave it at that

Waltermittythesequel Wed 14-Oct-15 18:37:22

I actually think you're creating drama!

You say no. She says no worries.

Let that be it! Don't pester her to ask what she wanted!

If she phones your dh, he can ignore it too.

fearandloathinginambridge Wed 14-Oct-15 18:45:47

Yes, you need to keep it simple.

Be black and white in your thinking - when she says OK no worries then take it literally and end the conversation there. If she really means the opposite then she should spell it out, it's not your job to analyse her every word for the hidden messages.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 14-Oct-15 18:45:49

Yes - don't pester her, if she phones at an inconvenient time, tell her and explain why, and when you will be available - then leave it, don't engage any further until the time/day you've said you're free. I think you are encouraging the drama, sorry

Unreasonablebetty Wed 14-Oct-15 18:47:48

Even without me saying anything like no she says no worries. Maybe it is me, but I just feel like tell me what I'm saying no to first?
And I've no idea what the no worries was about earlier, cos she didn't even ask for anything? I'd told her I would rearrange my day for her, and she replies with no worries.
I just don't understand.

laughingatweather Wed 14-Oct-15 18:48:30

You sound like hard work just as much as she does. Frequently she says 'no worries' and you blow it up into something else.

Don't be in contact with her if it's causing you so much stress.

DoreenLethal Wed 14-Oct-15 18:50:55

'no worries'
'I hadn't got any worries but ok. See ya'

Unreasonablebetty Wed 14-Oct-15 18:53:01

No that's great. Being crap at personal relationships. I've no idea.

I ask what's up because I worry that maybe she really needs help and I don't want to be uncaring.

I haven't given it a moment to think that maybe I am a part of the problem, telling her when I will be free and not answering the phone until then is a great idea. And if she says no worries I need to really take that at face value

fearandloathinginambridge Wed 14-Oct-15 18:56:52

laughingstweather go easy. The OP mentions anxiety and mental health issues - she's not 'hard work' and feeding the drama she might have patterns of thinking at the moment that make it hard to interpret situations or feel very sensitive when others wouldn't.

Unreasonablebetty Wed 14-Oct-15 18:58:34

I'm not sure why I'm as much hard work? I want to know what she wanted. I don't think it's fair that I'm in a position feeling like I've said no, quite often because I don't know whether she really needs the help?

Who wouldn't get pissed off with every day getting a text like "what are you doing today?"
"Oh I've got this and that to do"
"Oh no worries then mate"

Or as earlier,

I think i was being kind saying I would change my day for if she could get an appointment, so our appointments were together like she had wanted and we will grab the train together

But replies with no worries...

Maybe I am being mental, but what does no worries even mean? I feel like It's her being a bit passive aggressive.

fearandloathinginambridge Wed 14-Oct-15 19:11:37

I think that you need to let go of any worries about the subtext of her communications. Only deal with what is there on print.

I take the view these days that if people can't say to me exactly what they mean or what they need then I am not going to tie myself in knots trying to read between the lines. I have been a terrible worrier and people pleaser in the past. But it gets you nowhere and life is so much easier not trying to pander to people who won't be straightforward.

Snossidge Wed 14-Oct-15 19:17:07

*Who wouldn't get pissed off with every day getting a text like "what are you doing today?"
"Oh I've got this and that to do"
"Oh no worries then mate"*

That wouldn't piss me off. She's asking if you're free, you're not, so it's nothing important - just drop it!

Just like if she asks you to call her when you can - you know it's going to be something trivial, so don't freak out about it!

TitusGibbonicus Wed 14-Oct-15 19:29:01

I think you're overthinking her use of "no worries", and it's just tacked onto the end of her texts without any actual meaning.

laughingatweather Wed 14-Oct-15 19:44:18

'No worries' is a standard response that in 99% of cases literally means that. I receive that text frequently and also send it.

You're blowing it up into some huge covert meaning with no evidence. It usually isn't a cover for something else or a form of passive aggression.

If you suspect that you may view the world differently and struggle with interpersonal communication then that's fine. It's not a bad thing. But you asked if you shouldn't be pissed off with this and most people have said no, you shouldn't.

You are becoming very anxious and reading far too much into innocuous communications.

Don't make other plans when someone has already said 'no worries' and then get angry when they repeat 'no worries'. This woman isn't really causing you any problems - YOU are causing you a problem with your misinterpretation or over - reaction to off - hand comments.

So try to stop it. I know it's hard but either limit your contact with this person or try to take what she says at face value even if you are anxious that she meant something else.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 14-Oct-15 21:19:26

*Who wouldn't get pissed off with every day getting a text like "what are you doing today?"
"Oh I've got this and that to do"
"Oh no worries then mate"*

I wouldn't get pissed off about that at all! You're really, really over thinking.

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