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AIBU?

to think that DP should contribute a greater part of his salary to our joint/family finances?

152 replies

ScandiCinnamon · 14/10/2015 16:26

Excuse the rambling and the exact numbers but wanted to give as full a picture as possible.

Backstory. Been together with OH (not married) for just over 9 years. Two DC's (one 5 and one 7) both in school. We live in co-owned property. He is working full time in a fairly stressful job and earn (I think) about £4k/month after tax. £2.3k of that goes into joint account for mortgage bills etc. When we met I had a decent job with a good salary, but now I work PT so I can collect the DC's after school. I earn a pittance, but still contribute. So, pretty much at the end of the month I am left with £70 'pocket money' for myself and I don't manage to save money/put anything aside for a pension. He has after commuting costs etc £1.3k to play with. Our joint account regularly goes overdrawn due to car trouble/emergency house stuff boiler/roof etc and so on.

I am starting to feel increasing resent and almost feel trapped. And that I am simply filling a function in the family. AIBU to think he should share more of his money and that it is astounding that our joint account goes overdrawn but he still has his little money pot for himself?

OP posts:

Report

laffymeal · 14/10/2015 16:29

Lots of similar threads atm. I've never understood separate finances in family life, all resources should be pooled Imo.

MythicalKings · 14/10/2015 16:30

YANBU.

I don't understand his attitude. All our money is joint, that's how it should be if you love and trust each other.

knickernicker · 14/10/2015 16:31

We pool it and get half each. Ivan a fraction of what do does. Others will say you need a joint account. I don't think that's necessary but you do need more than you have now. Otherwise he's not acknowledging the unpaid work you do for the family.
If you discuss it and he wont budge, then you'll know it's time to think about whether or not you're with the right person.

squoosh · 14/10/2015 16:32

So he has £1300 for personal spending money and you have £70?

Something very wrong with this picture OP.

RandomMess · 14/10/2015 16:34

Start charging him for your childcare services!

RummidgeGeneral · 14/10/2015 16:34

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Have you raised this at all with him? Is he generally a generous person (but not thinking through the fairness of this situation) or is he quite tight with money? What are both your attitudes to marriage? Is it both your decisions not to be married or is it something you want but he doesn't. (Just thinking through your financial security if anything was to go wrong in future).

rageagainsttheBIL · 14/10/2015 16:34

You don't needs joint account but should have equal spends.

Who pays for food, socialising etc?

Chilledmonkeybrains · 14/10/2015 16:36

You pool the lot and take equal amounts back. Who earns what is irrelevant. That's normal.

What you have is not normal.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 14/10/2015 16:37

And if he's paying into a pension, you should've paying an equal amount into yours. Very important.

mummy92 · 14/10/2015 16:41

I feel exactly same as you my DH has more money than me. I tried talking about it and got nowhere hope you can talk about it and resolve it.

Troubletutmill · 14/10/2015 16:48

I do not have a joint account with DH and he does have more disposable income but the disparity is not as great and we have plenty each at the end of the month. We both have similarish amounts of savings.

Plus both have decent enough pensions.

As you are not married I think you have zero chance of any of the savings he has amassed should you break up while you took the career hit to suit family needs.

ScandiCinnamon · 14/10/2015 16:49

Thanks all.

Rummidge; I'd love to get married (we have both been married in the past. FYI no children in either of those relationships) but my OH is a massive commitment phobe. The marriage thing has been quite an issue in our relationship but it is currently not being spoken of. Main thing for me is to be with him, not the ring. He is not overly tight, but has this idea that we should put a dinner out for the family 'on the joint account' but there is no budget in the joint account for meals out.

Rege; Food is paid for out of the joint account. All our bills go out of there; mortgage, council tax, dielsel, etc etc. But as I mentioned in the first post, what is put in there does not cover all that needs to go out.

Squoosh; yup! Not very balanced is it?!

OP posts:

CPtart · 14/10/2015 16:50

DH earns six times what I do. We each pay a % of our salary into joint account for all bills, and keep the rest separate respectively. I work pt, and generally have a much less stressful life than he does, despite two (older) DC. We have very different attitudes to money. He is a spender and I a saver, so I actually have much more in savings than he does and am happy with this.

HedgehogAtHome · 14/10/2015 16:54

my OH is a massive commitment phobe.

Not phobic enough not to have you reduce your hours and earning potential to raise the two children you had together though?

He isn't commitment phobic, he loves the commitment YOU have given to him and has no need to risk himself by doing the same.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 14/10/2015 16:55

Did he agree with you dropping to part time? Perhaps he feels you sacrificed money for time.

£2.3k plus your contribution when there's no childcare is some huge expenses to not be covered.

Pre marriage we had separate accounts and I wouldn't have a joint one without being married.

PurpleWithRed · 14/10/2015 17:01

It's completely unfair - effectively he's sponging off you. And he doesn't want to marry you. Doesn't look good.

happyjustobeme · 14/10/2015 17:01

DH earns five times what I do. He works full time and I work part time. We pool all money, and dont have separate accounts, or separate pocket money. We discuss what we are going to buy (beyond the normal household expenses) and we use the joint account for all spending.

ScandiCinnamon · 14/10/2015 17:02

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet; I was 'forced' to go PT. I tried to have it all. Full time Career job, travelling across the world, and the DC's were 4 & 2. In the end I had a breakdown. Just burned out. After that I started to work PT instead as I felt I really wanted to be there for the children. I asked OH once that if her could 'decide' what should I do. And his response was to have a well paid PT job.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 14/10/2015 17:07

So he wants you to be part time but well paid. This is because he doesnt want to contribute any more financially but also doesnt want to give up any of his time to do more parenting himself to enable you to work more hours or have to stump up for more childcare. Im not liking the sound of him at all.

He sees childcare as womans work.

Wolpertinger · 14/10/2015 17:07

He sounds overly tight to me. With that amount of money you should be covering household expenses including fixing broken stuff and preventing overdrafts first and only after that having equal spends. I suspect the main reason he doesn't want to marry you is financial. Which makes him a shit.

Axekick · 14/10/2015 17:11

Hmm you asked him to decide what you should do after you had a breakdown?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 14/10/2015 17:13

£2300 should be enough to cover all of your bills, I would have thought?! So, does he perhaps think that he is covering it all, and doesn't know the nitty gritty? Men often don't do the books and are generally unaware.

If your joint account is normally empty at the end of the month, then the joint account is not funding summer holidays or Christmas - who pays for that?

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EskSmith · 14/10/2015 17:15

I agree with hedgehog this is really unfair. You need a frank discussion with him to show that the poorly paid part time job you have enables him to have his job. Either he is wiling to support this way of life or he can pay you at childcare rates..

ScandiCinnamon · 14/10/2015 17:17

Axekick; I realise now how that sounded. It was in a context of a conversation and not as in me 'allowing him' to decide for me.

ILiveAtTheBeach; Sadly it doesn't cover mortgage, bills, food (I shop at Aldi btw) etc. I have told him this repeatedly. This year was the first year we went away on a a proper holiday and for years and he paid for a lot of that cost.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 17:18

Charge him for what you do. Top dollar. Live in nannying, cleaning, cooking, admin. All top rates because you do a better job than a nanny would.

Someone who wants to hoard money while you worry and have less than a tenth of their disposable income is a wanker. He doesn't want to marry because he would have to financially commit to you.

I couldn't eat steak while DH ate bread and water. Your DP can.

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